Fertility Fatigue

Fertility fatigue. Fertility fatigue. Fertility fatigue.

Those words have been rolling around in my brain all afternoon ever since I had the realisation that for once, despite having a super hectic few weeks, I am not completely fatigued. The reality of this just amazes me. I mean, I’m in my 24th week of pregnancy and I have a four year old and I solo parent most of the time. Eric does usually take Monkey for 24 hours on the weekend but last weekend he stayed here instead and I got a 4 hour break in the afternoon on Saturday and the weekend before that he was in Singapore so I was full-time mummy after a busy week of solo mummying.

Usually if Eric misses a weekend of taking our little dude I am toast by the next week so the fact that we are now two weeks after that and I am feeling motivated and energetic, well, it just blows me away.

Monkey does go to pre-school 3 days a week (1 long day and 2 short) but I do work and run around doing my appointments across those days so they aren’t a rest per se, just a rest from parenting. And yet I’m not really that fatigued. Yes yes, I have the second trimester bump to thank for some of it I’m sure but the reality is that I also no longer have the stress of infertility and the related fatigue weighing me down.

I think when we are in the thick of this journey that we underestimate the toll it takes us. So often I am reading blogs by beautiful women in the midst of their fertility

That thing I said I wasn’t going to do this month

This might as well be me.

Obsess. That’s the thing I wasn’t going to do.

I wasn’t going to obsess over when my new cycle might start as I knew it would be weird with the miscarriage last month. And I was just going to be a chilled out little monkey in a Just call me Yoda kind of way. But guess what? I’m actually not a Just call me Yoda kinda girl. I’d like to be. But I’m not. And I should know this by now.

Just keep swimming

It has been awhile since I checked in and I was in a pretty ordinary place my last post so I figured I better do an update. The words have been swimming around in my head for awhile but I haven’t had the impetus to get them out. It’s been a bit of tough times over in my corner.

The last I wrote I was day 1 of a funk that lasted about 5 days and was the most debilitating round of depression I have had. It got me with the old one two and I was on the floor unable to get up and get on with it, barely able to parent. It was awful. Eric chose that time to have a go at me: about my weight, about BEING depressed and suffering from depression and anxiety. I kid you not, he totally had a go at me about these things. I fought back because I fight a good fight but FUCK that I had to. Just fuck. Anyway he has since pulled his head in and apologised profusely and just got his act together but damn that guy drives me crazy sometimes.

A funky little headspace

Ugh. I simply cannot figure out how to write this post and that’s a bit of a strange experience for me. Suddenly it’s like I don’t know how to convey my feelings.

As you know, things have mostly been going along OK since the miscarriage. Looking at it now I should have expected there would be a crash at some point. I was doing far too well, even I thought it was strange. In fact, I thought it was kind of wrong that I wasn’t more outwardly devastated. I had a couch day last Wednesday and got up Thursday all perky and normal, feeling fine. I had my moments but really, I was bumbling along alright.

21 days of good health

Ugh. You guys. I think I have maxed out on caffeine and sugar and chocolate and ugh. I feel gross. I have hit my limit. I’m grumpy mcgrumperson more and more and it is because I am fueling my body with shit a good portion of time. I need a reboot.

Words from the Doc

I had my meeting with Dr O today who honestly, didn’t have THAT much more to tell me than I already knew. Here are the bullet points:

1 boy and 2 girls

You know when you commence on this IVF journey that you are in the business of making babies – teeny tiny little humans – so I’m not sure why it came as a surprise to me when I recently learnt the gender of our “abnormal” embryos.  Well the 3 tested in the first round of testing we had done anyway.

IUI#3 – 12dpIUI – It’s all over red rover

Well I don’t  know what that faint line was that I thought I saw. Wishful thinking?

Anyway woke this morning with a full bleed so the fairies didn’t  bless us with a baby this month but we will keep asking.

We at least have so many plans for the future with this new clinic that I feel less disappointed than I would have if all my hopes were hanging on this outcome. Onwards and upwards eh?

Thanks for all the support last night with my crazy line post. You guys ROCK.

The land of indecision

What is it about this fucking infertility journey that it feels the need to keep knocking me for a six. I’m am so sick of it.

When you try to control the uncontrollable

Ugh. Today sucked. There’s no other word for it. I spent the entire day like a lovestruck teenager staring at my phone willing it to ring. I even had the phantom handbag ring on a number of occasions. You know the one. It sees an otherwise sane person frantically remove everything from her bag in search for said phone so sure that it is ring ring ringing, only to find that no one has tried to call at all. Then you press a few buttons, makes sure it works and put it back within easy reach where it promptly decides to bury itself in the bag cave.