The land of indecision

What is it about this fucking infertility journey that it feels the need to keep knocking me for a six. I’m am so sick of it.

We got our CGH (PGD) test results back.

Embryo 1: abnormal

Embryo 2: inconclusive

The inconclusive one is the one they sent of to London for further analysis. Obviously they couldn’t help either.

When you receive an inconclusive result you still have the option to transfer (unlike the abnormals which are on the discard pile only) and man oh man I really do not know what to do.

I have pretty much had a headache ever since I got the news. It was like an instant *whack* and if I close my eyes I just see myself banging my head against a brick wall over and over and over again. That’s what this journey is starting to feel like.

I have chatted with Eric and he says his gut feeling is to just keep the embryo frozen in case we decide to transfer later but not do it now. Basically the thought process is that I have a propensity for abnormal embryos so why take the risk?

But as I explained to Eric, we take this risk every month that we try naturally and if we are willing to try naturally then why wouldn’t we transfer this embryo? He argued that on a natural cycle you are getting only one egg that is supposed to be the BEST egg so the risk is lower. There is some logic to that.

I know that Eric would want us to test for abnormalities as soon as possible if we did transfer and he would also want me to terminate if there were any. I don’t have the energy to get into a philosophical argument about the rights and wrongs of that thought process so I’m not going to do it here in this post. I just know that I couldn’t survive a pregnancy and termination. I think that would break me.

I am so exhausted by infertility right now. It is killing me.

I have an appointment with Dr D tomorrow and Eric is going to come so we will decide then how we are going to proceed with Embie No 2. Meanwhile Dr D is going to try and get more info from the lab about WHY the result is inconclusive. I’m not really sure if they can tell us anything else but it is worth asking.

I hate today. I have a bit of a poor me attitude about it all going on right now. There’s too much fog and I’m so heavy and I really wish we could get a fucking break on this journey. The whole thing right now feels exceptionally unfair.

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42 thoughts on “The land of indecision

  1. Arghh! This is so tough. Sometimes this journey just continues to kick you when you are down. Inconclusive is a shitty result to deal with. Let’s hope your doctor has a little more clarity to offer you tomorrow. Perhaps he might know what the success rate is for using ‘inconclusive’ embryos??? That might help?

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  2. Inconclusive? What an annoying label. I mean really, what does that even mean? Basically it means they don’t know right? How frustrating. I completely understand your feeling right now. I would be the same!

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  3. Far out, this is so shitty. I don’t understand inconclusive, that’s just weird… i thought this was very cut throat as in either normal or not. So strange. Make sure you do an update after your follow up appointment, i am so curious to hear what he has to say and his suggestions for your next steps. I just want to say I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. It is such a draining process. My heart is broken for you and I wish there were something that I could do to change this! Thinking of you, Eric & monkey! Stay strong guys, you will get there xo

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    • To be fair we did know that there is always the opportunity of an inconclusive result. I just didn’t think that would happen when they called to say they had amplified the DNA sample and it was good to test. I thought that was the roadblock and that we’d already passed it. I guess I will bring that point up with Dr D tomorrow. Thx for your thoughts. You stay strong too xx

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  4. Inconclusive??? Oh man, what is that supposed to mean? I’d be climbing the walls with an answer like that. Is it that they can’t even explain what’s happened either? It’s a huge decision to try and make, although as you say, the result isn’t abnormal, so the chances in theory should be better. Oh gosh, I just don’t know what I’d do. I am so sorry you’re going through this – I was holding out hope that this would return a great result for you. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling, but you really do deserve some sunshine and light after all this crap you’ve been through. I hope tomorrow is a better day, with some more valuable information that will help you both make a decision you are happy with xxx

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    • Faye, I am really struggling today. I am, as you say, climbing the walls. I feel like I want to vomit while curled up into the fetal position somewhere but of course, I can’t do that because I have to be a mum too. *sigh* The child is getting frozen fish portions and raw carrot for dinner. That is the best I can do today. Yeah so as far as I know they can’t see all the information. It is a risk of the procedure. It happens just thankfully not often. I am hoping to hear more tomorrow. I go between wanting to transfer and wanting to leave it. I just don’t know what to do. Hope you are having a good day xxx

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      • Oh Em, of course you’ll be feeling all over the place with this bombshell. It’s the end of our day now so you might be feeling better having slept on it (hopefully you got some rest). I just don’t know what to suggest, or even to make of it to be honest. I am totally stumped as to why you aren’t getting better results. It literally doesn’t make any sense (and god knows I know how torturous that is to deal with). And yes – being a mum when you really want to drop out of life for a few hours, or days even, means you never have the chance to really grieve in your own time, on your own terms. I wish there was a way I could change it, or that I could suddenly think of a magical answer. I want this for you so much – for you and your sweet monkey, and Eric too. I truly believe you will get there – you are a strong, capable woman, and you have plenty of fight left in you, even if today all you want to do is curl up and shut out the world and you think you can’t take another step. Go easy on yourself, do as little as you can, and don’t do anything before you are ready xxxxx

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  5. I’m so frustrated for you Em. Biggest hugs ever, to you. I wish we could take ask this away for you and leave you with some clarity. I wish you didn’t have to face this issue. I think I would be feeling and thinking all the exact things that you are. I how they can give you shine sort of an explanation for these results. Good luck with your follow up. Thinking of you lots. Xx

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  6. I remember that feeling clearly. I once called my brother sobbing so hard I couldn’t speak. My brother and his wife had their share of ups and downs as well so he understood. Hugs from Colorado!

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  7. Ugh…beyond frustrating for you!! I hope they give him some more info as to why they couldn’t give you any answers…I mean you paid enough for those answers, I’m sure! Good luck at your appointment tomorrow. In the mean time, go do something fun for yourself, try to smile a bit. I know it’s hard, but it might make you feel a bit better. *hugs*

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  8. That really sucks. Also I have never heard of getting an inconclusive result. Seriously wtf? I can’t even begin to imagine how frustrated you must be. Hopefully this embryo is ok and you will be able to proceed with a transfer. It’s time for things to start working like they should.

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    • Yeah I know, it sucks! To be fair they did warn us about the possibility and I have googled it (of course) and there are plenty of others out there going through the same thing. Some choose to transfer and get healthy babies! But what % of the whole are they? Who knows. I wish I knew what the F happened to our eggs that we struggle so hard to get healthy babies when we had one such beautiful healthy one already.

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    • I wish I knew what my gut said. I said to Eric I’d always felt we’d get our baby on cycle #3 so does that mean we should transfer? But then when the Dr told me the result yesterday I immediately felt it was probably abnormal as my embies usually are it seems and if that’s the case, I shouldn’t transfer. I don’t know. Argh. My gut has gone AWOL while my brain calculates and recalculates it seems.

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  9. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is the ultimate bull-shittery. Give this girl a break — YOU HEAR ME, UNIVERSE!? I’m sorry, Em. I hope you get some answers from your doctor today. Knowing what exactly makes it inconclusive will likely help with a the decision a little. Like, for me, a possibility of trisomy 21, I’d be ok with, but, say, a possibility of trisomy 13, I wouldn’t be. It’s such a personal decision, but I think having more facts with help you and Eric decide on the best course of action. I’m sorry, girl. I just can’t believe this. I really hope you get some answers and further guidance from your doctor. Sending massive hugs to you.

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    • Thanks lovely. Yeah, it certainly totally blows. I don’t know what is going on with my freaking eggs/embryos. I think at the moment we are leaning towards no transfer but will see what the appt brings. I hate this. Just sayin’. xx

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