Waiting to feel good

depression

This is me right now. Dammit you guys,I am struggling. The world feels so foggy and I cannot be bothered doing anything. It’s depression, I know this. This disease is no stranger to me but I don’t normally get it too badly these days and kicking into my health program would normally be enough to transform me.

But it hasn’t worked this time. I feel like I am going through the motions and waiting to feel good. Where is it? The healthy feeling? The happy feeling? The ‘I’m doing all the right things” feeling?  Continue reading

30 days of Optimum Health

Last night when I was wide awake between the hours of 3:30am and 5am I composed an entire post in my head on how young children and infertility are the reason for sexless marriages as opposed to marriage itself. Poor marriage gets a bad rap when it is really the adorable little offspring (or lack thereof!) that is ruining it all. You see, at some point I loved sex and I’m not really sure where that person has gone now. Continue reading

IVF #2 – Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be.

As I was pulling out of the supermarket carpark today my phone rang.

Hi Emily, it is Dr Dr, can you talk?

Yes Dr D. I am just pulling out of the carpark. Let me pull over.

Dr D is never the one to call. When everything is going smoothly I hear from the nurses or I don’t hear at all. Appointments go along as planned. We have an appointment for Friday with Dr D. It is for a scan for our frozen embryo transfer.

Emily, the results have come back from genetic testing and I’m afraid that the news isn’t good. All 3 embryos show significant abnormalities. This is very unexpected.

No shit, Sherlock.

I knew this was a possibility of course but I didn’t expect it at all. I honestly felt like we might get our baby this time. That this time, even if only one was good that it would be the one. I was not prepared for this outcome at all.

They don’t know why. It just happens. But it does at least explain my difficulty falling pregnant and my difficulty maintaining the pregnancies when I do fall.

Some may ask if I am sorry that we went ahead with the genetic testing. I mean, we had what looked like 3 good quality embryos at blast stage. Let me tell you this, I am relieved. That’s 3 months worth of fruitless transfers that we no longer have to experience. Three months of maybe this is the month, this feels right, hope, expectation, endless acupuncture appointments and pills and potions in an effort to try to implant embryos that could not have possible become healthy babies. So I am grateful we had the testing. And if you are constantly getting embryos and not having them implant then I urge you to go down this path as well. It at least provides some answers.

What will we do from here? Well we are keeping our appointment on Friday however instead of being for a scan it will be to discuss what to do moving forward. We maybe attempt one more round, including the genetic testing again, but if we get a zero transfer rate yet again then I will pull the pin.

It is interesting as when we fell pregnant with our son it was all so quick and speedy and felt something like divine intervention. It was a weird situation and we didn’t even live in the same city and yet it happened. Now it is starting to feel like maybe, this quest for no 2, isn’t the path we should be on.

If we try again it will be with months of clean living and hippy treatments under our belt and truly our last shot.

We are both sad. And shocked. And reeling quite a bit. And a little part of me feels it is all insurmountable.

But….que sera. It is what it is. There is nothing that can be done about it now.

~Ems~

PS There are quite a few of journeys that I have been following lately that have slipped by the wayside. I am behind on my reading. I am thinking of you all. Will catch up when I can. x