Just keep swimming

It has been awhile since I checked in and I was in a pretty ordinary place my last post so I figured I better do an update. The words have been swimming around in my head for awhile but I haven’t had the impetus to get them out. It’s been a bit of tough times over in my corner.

The last I wrote I was day 1 of a funk that lasted about 5 days and was the most debilitating round of depression I have had. It got me with the old one two and I was on the floor unable to get up and get on with it, barely able to parent. It was awful. Eric chose that time to have a go at me: about my weight, about BEING depressed and suffering from depression and anxiety. I kid you not, he totally had a go at me about these things. I fought back because I fight a good fight but FUCK that I had to. Just fuck. Anyway he has since pulled his head in and apologised profusely and just got his act together but damn that guy drives me crazy sometimes.

A funky little headspace

Ugh. I simply cannot figure out how to write this post and that’s a bit of a strange experience for me. Suddenly it’s like I don’t know how to convey my feelings.

As you know, things have mostly been going along OK since the miscarriage. Looking at it now I should have expected there would be a crash at some point. I was doing far too well, even I thought it was strange. In fact, I thought it was kind of wrong that I wasn’t more outwardly devastated. I had a couch day last Wednesday and got up Thursday all perky and normal, feeling fine. I had my moments but really, I was bumbling along alright.

Things I have learnt from this miscarriage

While I have had what can only be described as a really shit week, there have been a few diamonds that have come out of the carnage.  Here is what I learnt this week and it’s all because I had the misfortune of experiencing a miscarriage.

I’m doing OK

I just thought I should report in and let you know that I’m doing OK. I had my final beta yesterday and it had dropped from 2700 on Friday to 1300 so there are no miracles in this womb today.

Mostly I am doing fine. I’ve been busy because I work and I have a 3 year old and that’s just life. There is no peace to experience a miscarriage here. Of course this week I happen to have the busiest week ever – I’m working 3 full days which I don’t normally do PLUS Eric is away for the weekend so I’m on full time parenting duty with no break in sight. Fucking Murphy and his stupid law.