Just keep swimming

It has been awhile since I checked in and I was in a pretty ordinary place my last post so I figured I better do an update. The words have been swimming around in my head for awhile but I haven’t had the impetus to get them out. It’s been a bit of tough times over in my corner.

The last I wrote I was day 1 of a funk that lasted about 5 days and was the most debilitating round of depression I have had. It got me with the old one two and I was on the floor unable to get up and get on with it, barely able to parent. It was awful. Eric chose that time to have a go at me: about my weight, about BEING depressed and suffering from depression and anxiety. I kid you not, he totally had a go at me about these things. I fought back because I fight a good fight but FUCK that I had to. Just fuck. Anyway he has since pulled his head in and apologised profusely and just got his act together but damn that guy drives me crazy sometimes.

We really suffer up here for our lack of support. Having no family in the region is hard and while Eric is totally the type to say “just get a babysitter” I’m just not that person. His mum is back from Europe in 6 weeks (they do half a year abroad every year) so Eric is enthused about that but truth be told it is more a help to him (who only has monkey for 25 hours a week) than it is for me who is the full time parent. I can access her but it isn’t super easy and straightforward. We live 45mins from her and she doesn’t like to drive at night but her husband doesn’t like her to stay away over night. And to be honest I guess I feel like Monkey is away from me enough already with daycare days and visiting his dad that I should be able to handle the rest of the time we have together. How will I hand a second baby if I can’t handle THIS?

Normally it all goes smoothly if Eric is doing his normal 25 hours per weekend but that hasn’t been how that has worked out lately and it all just went to shit right around the miscarriage. The miscarriage week I worked extra time, then Eric was away on a pre-booked weekend so I had to man up and parent during one of the toughest weeks of my recent life. Then the next week I hit the debilitating depression and while Eric did take Monkey that weekend for his 25 hours it was barely enough for me to recover. My mood did lift but I have been waking tired and with a headache every day since which is about 10 days now.

Then this last week was Monkey’s 4th birthday. It was awesome fun but also a lot of work of course. Eric has been busy organising his house for holiday let so while he attended all the birthday events he didn’t do any of his 25 hours this weekend so no break for me. Thankfully all Monkey wanted to do Sunday was stay home and have a PJ day and play with his new toys. I think he was as tired as I was.

Now for a braggy mum photo:

2015-09-05 11.54.53-2

Happy Birthday to me! This kid loves his moment in the limelight.

And that leads us to today. It is 6:40am and I have woken tired and with a headache for what feels like the zillionth day in a row. Yesterday Monkey was sent home from daycare with head lice (which is where he caught it I think – they were sending a bunch of kids home) so I had to stop working and treat us both – less work, less money and the pain in the arse fucking mission of a job to treat us and then do the conditioner comb thing – I do both. Can’t be too careful of those fuckers. And all I can think is AS IF I NEED THIS.

This weekend we are toying with the idea of Monkey going to Eric for 2 nights but I am so torn about it. Monkey loves the time with his dad but usually wants to get back to me after a day and I am normally hanging for him to be back after the day!. He is in a real mum phase right now so I want to give him the time if that’s what he needs. But at the same time I am exhausted and not catching up at all. I think I need the 2 days to just get my energy levels back to normal. Anyway, I’ll figure that one out as the time approaches I guess.

As for all the TTC baby making stuff we did decide to try naturally again this month but I’m not hanging all my hopes on that at all. In fact, I would be exceptionally surprised if we fell pregnant naturally two months in a row. It just seems very unlikely to me. The good thing about this month is that I have no expectations on when this cycle will end so I’m not calendar watching as much. I just know in my head that if it get towards the end of the month and I don’t have a period then I am will need to do a pregnancy test but that’s about it. If I do get my period I am not bothered by it at all as I’m priming (starting to wonder if that is contributing to the headaches and tiredness actually) and will be ready to do my IVF cycle. And to be honest, there are some positives to that outcome too.

I just want a baby so whichever path we need to take to get that result I’m good with.

And that’s it. Life isn’t great but it’s also not BAD. I’ve got my little fins flapping and my tail swishing and I’m going to just keep swimming until this hard part gets to the end and I can swim with the current again.


40 thoughts on “Just keep swimming

  1. Oh that would make my blood boil! I think is have a hard time containing my urge to become physically violent on his ass!! Ugh. A little empathy please. Goes a LONG way. I’m glad to hear you’ve made it through your really rough spot and things are starting to look up again. Happy birthday monkey! He’s so beautiful. Xx


  2. That is one super cute little man you have there! Happy birthday to him!
    Make sure you look after yourself – I’m glad you’re not taking any shit from anyone but it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on & it all takes its toll, so be good to yourself and I hope your cheerleaders get back on song and help you get through this difficult patch xx


  3. Aw hon. I wish I could give you the biggest of all big hugs right now. I’m so sorry you’re having a rough go of it. I want to start swinging when I read about Eric going on about your weight. Fuck that. After all you’ve put your body through to try and have another baby for him (and you), and thats what he starts harping on? Ooooooh, I just wanna bust him one good. On another note, I’m sure the priming is contributing to your stress, anxiety and depression. But you also have a lot going on. Miscarriage is draining on so many levels, and so if parenting with little to no help, and so are fights with your partner (I know he’s not your partner, but can’t think of a better word). For what it’s worth, I think you should take your two days off from Monkey. Happy mama equals happy Monkey. Let’s set up that Skype soon. Maybe this weekend?

    Liked by 1 person

    • haha all good, I call him my partner. It’s the easiest way for us to refer to each other! I think I will take the two days off. I need to reboot. The weight stuff gets me the worst because I already feel bad about it. I feel so tubby and frumpy and I hate all the photos of me with Monkey on his birthday which is just a shit feeling. Ugh. I miss vigorous exercise so bad. It keeps me slim and keeps my head easier to manage. Anyway SKYPE. Yes, let’s do it this weekend. Do you have plans Saturday afternoon/night? That will be my Sunday morning and I could do then. We can email all about it if you like. x


  4. I never understand why men do crap like that…as if we don’t have enough going on in our heads during all of this!! I know that you may miss him a bit, but maybe 2 nights without the little will help you get back to a good place mentally and emotionally, and maybe help you get some rest. I’ve been waking up with headaches too, but mine are from my allergies, since all the fall stuff is starting to bloom around here. Either way, I hope you start feeling better and more like yourself!


    • I think mine is a bit influenced by the seasonal change too. We are in the full bloom of spring and I do get a bit sensitive to it. I think that with the priming plus the stress does not a good combo make! How are you doing????

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s all true! It’s a lot on your body at once, be kind to yourself! I realized after I wrote my comment that your weekend is probably over already…did you get some rest?
        I’m doing ok. Had a nice relaxing weekend away! The bed was pretty hard though, so it will be nice to be able to sleep in my nice squishy one tonight!


  5. First, I’m sorry you have had such a horrible time lately! Honestly, with all you’ve been through, and the lack of thinking on Eric’s behalf, I’m not surprised that you’re having a rough time. I do hope things start to go your way and you start to feel better. Also, If you ever want to chat offline, feel free to email – myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com.
    Second, your Monkey is adorable! 🙂


  6. Hugs mama! Yep, we just keep swimming and look at photos of like that of your little boy with a big smile and things will seem better! Missed you! Been a long time since I logged on to wp reader. 😦


    • Jhanis!!! Long tiiiiiiiime I don’t know how I lost track of that blog of yours but I did. I went over tonight and read a hilarious post about your daughter and her fake birthday. lol I will have to do something about that follow. I think perhaps cause I followed with my old blog and I no longer use that email at all. Hope you are well and loving life. I see you are still blogging so yay!


  7. Monkey is so big and sweet! Cut-ie! On another note, NEVER underestimate the power of hormones on our bodies and brains. NEVER! They take so long to equilibrate, and yours are all over the place for without a scientific doubt! (But doesn’t make it feel any more pleasant.) You tell Eric to shush. You “shush” him.


  8. Let me just say first of all that I am very jealous of monkey’s B-day cake. I was a big fan of the turtles as a kid! Did you make it?
    I am so sorry you have had a rough time of things, I’m not sure it is ever possible to avoid these crappy feelings, they just get delayed when we busy ourselves. Be good to yourself! And tell Eric he better be good to you too otherwise he will end up with a whole bunch of hormonal IF bloggers knocking his door down!!! Now THAT would make a scary movie…


  9. Monkey is a cutie!

    So glad to hear you’re hanging in there and have a plan for the next go. Ugh I hear you about the weight gain. I always found it was impossible to keep to a schedule with all the in and off cycling. My he racist calls it the if 20 and said that its really, really common. So at least you’re in good company 😝


    • haha totally. I think if you do IVF once and get your baby first or second transfer then it is probably no big deal. But when it goes on and on and on like it has for some of us the fluctuating hormones, the inability to do vigorous exercise for long stints and the stress all amount to gradual weight gain. It sucks!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Monkey is just adorable! And is that a TMNT cake? I swear I just saw a pic of a homemade one, with the cutest little caption about how the mom made it… okay, I had to go back and look, now I am positive I saw your cake! I just don’t know where… but I love it and hope thing are better!


  11. Pingback: Badass Baking | The Secret Life of Emily Maine

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