It has been awhile since I checked in and I was in a pretty ordinary place my last post so I figured I better do an update. The words have been swimming around in my head for awhile but I haven’t had the impetus to get them out. It’s been a bit of tough times over in my corner.
The last I wrote I was day 1 of a funk that lasted about 5 days and was the most debilitating round of depression I have had. It got me with the old one two and I was on the floor unable to get up and get on with it, barely able to parent. It was awful. Eric chose that time to have a go at me: about my weight, about BEING depressed and suffering from depression and anxiety. I kid you not, he totally had a go at me about these things. I fought back because I fight a good fight but FUCK that I had to. Just fuck. Anyway he has since pulled his head in and apologised profusely and just got his act together but damn that guy drives me crazy sometimes.
We really suffer up here for our lack of support. Having no family in the region is hard and while Eric is totally the type to say “just get a babysitter” I’m just not that person. His mum is back from Europe in 6 weeks (they do half a year abroad every year) so Eric is enthused about that but truth be told it is more a help to him (who only has monkey for 25 hours a week) than it is for me who is the full time parent. I can access her but it isn’t super easy and straightforward. We live 45mins from her and she doesn’t like to drive at night but her husband doesn’t like her to stay away over night. And to be honest I guess I feel like Monkey is away from me enough already with daycare days and visiting his dad that I should be able to handle the rest of the time we have together. How will I hand a second baby if I can’t handle THIS?
Normally it all goes smoothly if Eric is doing his normal 25 hours per weekend but that hasn’t been how that has worked out lately and it all just went to shit right around the miscarriage. The miscarriage week I worked extra time, then Eric was away on a pre-booked weekend so I had to man up and parent during one of the toughest weeks of my recent life. Then the next week I hit the debilitating depression and while Eric did take Monkey that weekend for his 25 hours it was barely enough for me to recover. My mood did lift but I have been waking tired and with a headache every day since which is about 10 days now.
Then this last week was Monkey’s 4th birthday. It was awesome fun but also a lot of work of course. Eric has been busy organising his house for holiday let so while he attended all the birthday events he didn’t do any of his 25 hours this weekend so no break for me. Thankfully all Monkey wanted to do Sunday was stay home and have a PJ day and play with his new toys. I think he was as tired as I was.
Now for a braggy mum photo:
And that leads us to today. It is 6:40am and I have woken tired and with a headache for what feels like the zillionth day in a row. Yesterday Monkey was sent home from daycare with head lice (which is where he caught it I think – they were sending a bunch of kids home) so I had to stop working and treat us both – less work, less money and the pain in the arse fucking mission of a job to treat us and then do the conditioner comb thing – I do both. Can’t be too careful of those fuckers. And all I can think is AS IF I NEED THIS.
This weekend we are toying with the idea of Monkey going to Eric for 2 nights but I am so torn about it. Monkey loves the time with his dad but usually wants to get back to me after a day and I am normally hanging for him to be back after the day!. He is in a real mum phase right now so I want to give him the time if that’s what he needs. But at the same time I am exhausted and not catching up at all. I think I need the 2 days to just get my energy levels back to normal. Anyway, I’ll figure that one out as the time approaches I guess.
As for all the TTC baby making stuff we did decide to try naturally again this month but I’m not hanging all my hopes on that at all. In fact, I would be exceptionally surprised if we fell pregnant naturally two months in a row. It just seems very unlikely to me. The good thing about this month is that I have no expectations on when this cycle will end so I’m not calendar watching as much. I just know in my head that if it get towards the end of the month and I don’t have a period then I am will need to do a pregnancy test but that’s about it. If I do get my period I am not bothered by it at all as I’m priming (starting to wonder if that is contributing to the headaches and tiredness actually) and will be ready to do my IVF cycle. And to be honest, there are some positives to that outcome too.
I just want a baby so whichever path we need to take to get that result I’m good with.
And that’s it. Life isn’t great but it’s also not BAD. I’ve got my little fins flapping and my tail swishing and I’m going to just keep swimming until this hard part gets to the end and I can swim with the current again.