Some days.

Some days I’m a super mum. 

But not today.

Some days I bounce out of bed and feed two children and myself, dress us all, wash the dishes and bounce out of the house by 9am and I don’t feel stressed at all. 

But not today. Or yesterday for that matter. 

Today we got up at 6am and I was struggling to get us out of the house by 1130. 1130! What the fuck was I doing? Not the dishes. I tried three times to do those and still there are some that I didn’t get to.

Not the Christmas wrapping or packing for our trip on Thursday.

Not any housework…although I did get the clothes hung out and now realise at almost 730pm I didn’t manage to bring them in. Better get on that. 

I had plans for today but I didn’t get most of that done either. Turns out today had plans for me. 

I had a coffee at 5pm to get a boost to see me through the evening. Didn’t work. Yesterday I made time for a 20 min meditation instead (yes I know! 20 mins!) and I felt so much better for it. Need to make that part of every day. But it wasn’t a part of today.

I love my kids but…no not BUT. I love my kids. That is a statement that should stand in its own. I love them and their itty bitty smiley whiny faces. 

The truth is though that some days it is more relentless than I can handle. I am so tired of not being able to achieve anything. I feel like that little mouse spinning on its wheel. Spin spin spin. All that effort and going fucking nowhere.

Maybe tomorrow will be better but I’m not holding my breathe. Tomorrow I WILL meditate. Give the day a freaking chance at least.

Today, however, today I drink wine. And put my feet up. And forget the shit that surrounds me and do what I can do while repeatedly settling my non sleeper of a baby. 

I’d forgotten how relentless parenting littlies is. BeeGee is on the move now. That little punk started commando crawling at 5.5 months!! Most babies sit first and then crawl. My babies give the middle finger to what most babies do and jam to the beat of their own drum which usually I love. Just not today.

Lucky they are delicious and cute and I know it gets easier or I might just gouge my eyes out with a fork. 

Young baby time is such a survival time of life. Some mums have it all together but I’m just not one of those mums it turns out. Oh well. My kids don’t know the difference. I complained I looked haggered and tired in a photo recently and Monkey said “I don’t see that, Mum. I think you look beautiful.”

And even on my worst days, like today, that’s what they see. Beautiful gorgeous mum. Their everything. 

They wear me down to the bone and bring me joy all in the same moment some times. Especially today.


Go high

I am having one of those weirdly auspicious days today, like the universe is conspiring to make me see a message and everything relates. Well the two main things that happened related anyway.

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Tummy Trouble in Baby Paradise – Part 2

You guys, we have turned a corner. I am beside myself with happiness with BeeGee’s progress lately.

  • We have YELLOW poop. No more green yukky stuff. It is still mucus-y which I guess is still something about her tummy but I will take mucus-y yellow over green any day. I am happy to call this baseline poo.

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“Sleep when the baby sleeps”, they said

THEY. Bunch of freaking know it alls if you ask me. 

My baby catnaps for 20 mins only. Sometimes she will resettle to make the full 40 min sleep cycle but that’s usually about it, regardless of whether I wear her or drive her or hold her. Holding her has the most success though. Sometimes she will then allow herself to cross into another cycle. And I mean maybe once every three days when I need to go to the bathroom and it is either put her down and have her wake or hold her and maybe pee my pants a little as my pelvic floor has not yet recovered enough to allow an ongoing busting situation. 

So there’s not much baby sleeping time for me to sleep.

At night we don’t do that much better but it is better so feel I should be grateful. We were getting a 2.5-3 hour cycle overnight (so that is from the beginning of one feed until the start of the next one – it is not all sleeping time) and I could deal with that. The last two nights we have regressed to a 2 hourly cycle and it is killing me. I am hoping it is just a growth spurt and it doesn’t become a habit. PLEASE GOD. 

Sometimes she wakes after only 1.5 hours. When that happened last night I did manage to resettle her but had to have her next to me in bed so I could hold her dummy in forever. Co-sleeping doesn’t seem to make a lick of difference unless she is actually ON me and well, that isn’t good for MY sleep. 

This morning I tried swaddling her again (she hates it) and still only a 20 min nap except this time we started it with a few minute scream-a-thon in protest of the swaddle. I am now holding her and sitting in the rocking chair to extend the nap. Ugh. She is actually pretty happy during the day despite all this but if she doesn’t get enough day sleep it is a witching hour scream-a-thon and that sucks. Plus sleep is supposed to be restorative and I feel like she isn’t getting enough of the good juice for her brain. I want her to have a healthy brain! Just one good sleep a day would be so good. I can handle cat naps after that. And decent night sleeps of course. 

So at 6 weeks in I am feeling so weary. I am starting to say things like “I want to give up breastfeeding” which I won’t do but damn, I find it tough to be the only one that can soothe her or sort her out with what she needs when she seems to need it so frequently. And she seems to have gone off Eric for now so it really is only me who can hold her/feed her/soothe her at this point.

My last one was a tricky sleeper. I thought I was supposed to get a cruisy version this time???? Lies. It’s all lies. I feel so guilty too as to spend time with the baby trying to get her to sleep more I am spending less time with my big boy who is missing me and needs me. 

 I don’t think I would ever get a cruisy baby. Both my babies have been the reflux/colic types and I think a lot of it has been down to the dairy thing. I’ve cut it out now and she is a lot more settled for it – doesn’t grunt and groan as much when trying to sleep – so we will keep on with that. But with two parents who are dairy intolerant there is now way I am going to get a baby who isn’t bothered by it and when they are bothered by it you get bad sleeping/reflux/colic. I think that’s why the idea of a third is so stressful for me. It is truly a season of tough sleeplessness. 

All this is impacted by the fact that I am still trying to work from home a little. There really isn’t that much to do but when it is stop/start/stop/start it gets hard to get it done. If she’d just have ONE 1.5/2hr sleep per day I could squish it in probably no more than one, maybe sometimes two days per week in the sleep time. But nooooooooo. 

Anyway I’m an old pro at this baby thing as I’ve been there before so I know that things change all the time. It may get inexplicably better soon and it may get inexplicably worse. We just have to ride it out. Eventually you get through to the other side. But today I just felt like having a vent.

My new favourite saying is For Fucks Sake and I seem to be using it a lot as sleep deprivation makes me clumsy. Have you noticed that? When you are tired everything seems a zillion times more difficult and life in general just seems so easy to fuck up. 

So here’s my vent.

Tricky sleepers suck! And I just pulled a hair out of my boob. For fucks sake.