A funky little headspace

Ugh. I simply cannot figure out how to write this post and that’s a bit of a strange experience for me. Suddenly it’s like I don’t know how to convey my feelings.

As you know, things have mostly been going along OK since the miscarriage. Looking at it now I should have expected there would be a crash at some point. I was doing far too well, even I thought it was strange. In fact, I thought it was kind of wrong that I wasn’t more outwardly devastated. I had a couch day last Wednesday and got up Thursday all perky and normal, feeling fine. I had my moments but really, I was bumbling along alright. Continue reading

I’m doing OK

I just thought I should report in and let you know that I’m doing OK. I had my final beta yesterday and it had dropped from 2700 on Friday to 1300 so there are no miracles in this womb today.

Mostly I am doing fine. I’ve been busy because I work and I have a 3 year old and that’s just life. There is no peace to experience a miscarriage here. Of course this week I happen to have the busiest week ever – I’m working 3 full days which I don’t normally do PLUS Eric is away for the weekend so I’m on full time parenting duty with no break in sight. Fucking Murphy and his stupid law. Continue reading

I’m calling it

I know you guys want me to stay positive and hope for the miracle but I just know that this isn’t going to be the case for us this time.

Yesterday around lunchtime or so I passed a blood clot. After this consistent bleeding began and it has been a series of blood and clots ever since. I have woken this morning with cramping. I think this, along with all the signs which I’m going to list below, indicates a definite miscarriage. Continue reading

Email to the clinic

I have been sitting here mulling over everything tonight and how my clinic won’t book me for a scan for 2.5 weeks because they think based on Friday’s beta that I’m only 5 weeks pregnant, rather than 6 weeks pregnant. It is impossible for me to be only 5 weeks pregnant. It just doesn’t work. So I’ve sent my nurse an email explaining this and played a bit of hard ball about it. I’m with a clinic and I expect their help so I have firmly put the ball in their court. Don’t fuck with me when I’m on a mission!  Here it is:

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Sorry to be a pain about this but I can’t possibly be only 5 weeks pregnant. So I’m either starting to have a loss or I don’t know what is going on. If I am 5 weeks pregnant than that means I ovulated about 3 weeks ago – which was somewhere between days 28 and 32 of my cycle depending how far along in the 5th week you think I am. I last had sex on day 18 of my cycle. I know sperm can live awhile but not THAT long. It just isn’t possible.

I don’t know what is going on right now – I am assuming that a miscarriage is starting if my numbers are low enough that you think I’m 5 weeks. What can be done to get some clarity round this because I’m not comfortable with doing nothing and waiting for a scan in 2 and a half weeks to then potentially see an embryo that stopped growing. It isn’t fair that I should have to wait that long for clarity when I’m with a fertility clinic that has options to help me seek it.

What do you suggest?

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Too far? Too bad. I can’t live in this state for the new couple of weeks. I need more answers.

I don’t feel pregnant anymore

I have just woken. It is early Saturday morning here. The first thing I have noticed is that I don’t feel pregnant anymore. I haven’t had any further bleeding overnight but I just feel like the HCG has stopped causing a decline of my symptoms.

My boobs aren’t sore. I didn’t wake at 4am with insomnia. I wasn’t busting for the loo when I woke. I can’t feel this baby with me anymore.

I know you guys are going to tell me to stay positive and of course I will hope I am wrong but I am just reporting in and being honest about what I feel. This doesn’t feel good.

Today I was so brave!

Before the whole blood saga began I was actually having a really great day. I did something that I am normally so afraid of and kicked its arse. I did it with grace and ease and not a single tear – and trust me, when I do this thing, there is normally a lot of shaking and tears.

Friends, I went to the dentist. Now before you scoff at me for making a big deal about it let me tell you, it is the thing I have been most afraid of my whole life. For awhile there I had a dentist who prescribed me Valium to take before each appointment. I was THAT bad. I have also had a clean and some fillings under a general anesthetic by choice. Yes, I elected to be put to sleep just to have a scale and clean done without pain.  Continue reading