Why I will never close this blog and making my grass greener

happy

I know I don’t write here anymore folks and, well, it is what it is. Two kids (one that doesn’t sleep well) leaves me spinning most days. I hardly get any me time and when I do I’m just not pumped to write.

My brain writes posts all the time. But then the act of sitting down to type them up is more than I can bear. I’ve been through writing slumps like this before. And maybe I will come back to it but for right now, I’m just taking it one day at a time.

One thing I have feeling the urge to do lately is to start tending to my own metaphorical garden. I feel like my grass is lacking all the things it needs to be the green of lovely tended lawns. Right now, my grass looks like it has been through a long hot summer with little to no rain. It is limp and brown and dry but with patches of green as I get a bit of self care in here and there.

As I emerge from this fog that is baby’s first year I am feeling a yearning now more than ever to figure out what makes me sing; what gives me a buzz from the inside. And my intuition tells me it is a creative pursuit. I have no flipping idea what it is but I need to tap into that shit as I feel like it is bursting to get out of me. So that is my new focus. Or going to be anyway.

Try doing new stuff until I have an aha moment.

This blog will continue to live on though, even if I don’t write on it. While it was never set up to be a fertility blog exclusively that is kind of what it became and where it has been most useful. A few months ago I woke to this wonderful comment:

Emily, I wanted to write to you and let you know how important your blog became to me over this last year. I wanted to contact you privately but couldn’t find a way, so here I am! Anyway, this last spring I was on my own fertility journey when this blog came up in a google search about L-Arginine and whether I should try it for TTC. By this time you were already successfully pregnant and I was desperate to know more about how you made it work. At that time I’d been trying for almost a year and had started all the tests to see what could be wrong with me or my partner (also an Eric!). The ONLY thing that came up on any test was endometriosis. I didn’t have all the classic signs so I didn’t know I had it. Still my fertility doctor told me she didn’t think that was my issue and basically told me IVF was my only option. After hearing your success with laparoscopy I wanted a second opinion. The second doctor said he’d definitely try laparoscopy before IVF for me and so I went for it, and six weeks later – PREGNANT! I couldn’t believe it! I am now 20 weeks along and am sooooo grateful I ran into your story. My insurance here in the USA wouldn’t have covered a dime of IVF, but a laparoscopy was covered. Thank you so much for sharing your journey! I cannot express how much it means to me. Though, having gone through the journey yourself, I am sure you can imagine. I am also expecting a little girl.

Folks, this issue with silent endometriosis is REAL. IVF will often fail if you have it. I’m not sure why so many specialists completely ignore this fact. My first one did too and it cost about $30k minimum in failed IVF cycles because he just wouldn’t pop in to my belly and have a look see. Yes it is a tad invasive but ummm, so is IVF and he had no such hesitation in pumping me full of hormones over and over and over again. It is CRAZY. New specialist, a wee bit of surgery and boom, natural conception; TWICE.

This will not be everyone’s story. I am well aware of that. Some peeps will still need IVF and some will still struggle to conceive but your odds of conceiving are so much better if the damn disease is removed. I truly urge all those struggling to conceive to fight for this surgery. You need to know. Your body and you deserve to be given the chance before transferring your life savings to your local IVF clinic.

So this blog will stay here. And I may or may not post from time to time. Or I may just keep writing posts in my head. Who knows? I need to go edit my About page as it says I’m a single mum and we all know that Eric lives here these days but truthfully, that whole situation is hanging on by a thread which I (we) may just cut loose before the year is out. We have a family holiday to Asia over Easter and I think we will take a serious review after this. That whole story deserves more than a brief paragraph at the bottom of a post but I’m not sure I can say more about it than that right now as I feel like it is ever evolving and I don’t want to post on it at every little interval. But I don’t really feel that we are for each other in a forever sense.

On that note, I’m going to go tend to my garden a bit more. Kisses. And those of you still on your journey to baby, may it all come together for you soon.

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42 thoughts on “Why I will never close this blog and making my grass greener

  1. We miss you. Come find us on Instagram if you are there. jebhow333 or Julia B-Howard. :). I feel like we were all closely following each other here for a while and then we all got busy parenting. I also writing posts in my head regularly but when I sit down to write it all sounds so trivial and boring.

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  2. I’m the same – I want to write but there just isn’t the time and energy. I’m glad you are leaving your blog. I learnt a lot from your posts. What a lovely letter. Best of luck finding the thing that inspires you and I hope family life gets a little easier xx

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    • Thx lovely. How are you guys doing??? I hope the transition to mummy hood has been a good one for you and that things are going well with your parents. How old is bubba now???

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      • She’s four months tomorrow, how old is your little one now? Not a year is she? We have struggled a lot with reflux and food allergies and therefore sleep is still a nightmare :(. I’m looking forward to six months.

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        • Oh you poor thing. That is a hard road to travel down. We experienced a lot of that too. Not sure if you saw my posts on it? Just in case any of it is helpful. I can always give you my info and we can message too if you want to chat a bit with someone who has been there. Happy to offer my support. I hope things settle for her before too long. H is 9 months old now! Crazy. Goes so fast.

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          • Nine months! That’s gone so fast. I reread your posts it was really helpful. I’m lucky S hasn’t had the weight gain difficulties but otherwise it’s been similar to your experience. I also have the annoying comments where people invalidate how crappy it is by saying she seems so settled and smiley. I’d love to message you for more of your ideas if you ever have the time. Don’t worry if you don’t though.

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          • That sounds awful but also makes me feel better that I’m not the only one with a baby that refuses to nap. Two half hour naps seem to be the most I can get her to manage most days. I reckon that makes it so much harder when you have no time to rest or do anything. How long does H nap for now?

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  3. Please don’t go forever! Although, I totally understand. I’m so happy to have found you. You always lifted me up no matter where we were in our journeys. I will miss you.

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    • Awwww thank you! I miss you all too. Most of the peeps I followed closely don’t write often or at all these days. I may return. Who knows eh? I hope your days with 2 aren’t too crazy x

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      • It’s the same for me. I think we’re all in the same boat. Life with 2 is hard core. I’m adjusting. I do not know how women go back to 9-5 jobs at 6 or even 8 weeks postpartum, especially with 2 or more kids. Whew.

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  4. Yoooooo! So nice to randomly pop in here and see a post from you! Even tho I talk to you off-blog, it was still fun to hear from you. I owe you a message! Currently dealing with sick, miserable baby. And dude, I think my endo is back. 😬 Been having my tell-tale pelvic pain.

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    • Oh no, poor bubba and poor you. That is just no fun for anyone. I actually think my endo is back to. I have weird niggling pelvic pain that I always just put down to my period/cycle but now I wonder…

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  5. I hope you check in here once in a while! Thank you for sharing my comment and not closing this blog. I love your realness about fertility, pregnancy, parenting, relationships, etc.! You really have been an inspiration to me in so many ways. I am now 34 week! I can’t believe it’s so close! As you know, I started my own blog to recount my fertility journey and the success of laparoscopy because I too want as many women as possible to know about this situation. A lot of stress, heartache, and money can be saved! Take care of yourself! Your daughter is beautiful and looks just like you 🙂

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  6. A friend of mine did a round of IVF and only found out after she had really bad endometriosis. She had all the symptoms and had told her clinic about her heavy periods etc. She’s really annoyed that they went through IVF for nothing! It seems to be such a common thing to happen. Doctors need to listen more to their patients. Hopefully you’ll still blog from time to time!

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  7. Gosh Em, this is so odd. Someone literally contacted me out of the blue asking if I could send them details of what I did because my blog was no longer up. And then I read this. And I was like – my god. Why did I take it all down? So here I am like a ghost from the freaking past, rising up and putting the whole lot back up because I’ve realised that I might have hidden information away that could have helped someone. I think you’re doing exactly the right thing and you are better at standing up and being you than I am at standing up and being me. Much love to you all. I’m sorry to hear that things are stormy at home (in more ways than one!). Hang on in there xoxoxo

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    • Oh I’m so glad you are putting it up. Your story is a long and windy one and could prove to be so valuable. I’m actually getting involved with someone looking to develop a really great fertility help site so looking forward to visiting parts of my story once again and helping other women. Btw was such a blast from the past to see “Rose” in my comment thread!!!! Xx

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      • I know – it feels odd to me, but kind of comfy all at the same time 🙂 Your fertility project sounds amazing – the more there is out there for women the better. It’s such a hard, hard thing to go through.

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  8. Oh gosh! This reminds me of how I feel about blogging. I keep writing posts in my head but I just don’t have the time to write them. Maybe when I go back to work and have a commute I’ll do it again. I really enjoyed your blog – you write so well and you’re the voice of reason and I always find myself nodding along! And as someone else with endo (2 laparoscopies down though!) you gave me hope when it was in very short supply. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through with Eric. If you ever want to talk with someone who has been there then I’m on fb a lot – just let me know and I can send you my details. I hope you are okay. I know you always sound like you’ve got it together but splitting up is an absolute ****. Here for you if you ever want to chat! Xx

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