A funky little headspace

Ugh. I simply cannot figure out how to write this post and that’s a bit of a strange experience for me. Suddenly it’s like I don’t know how to convey my feelings.

As you know, things have mostly been going along OK since the miscarriage. Looking at it now I should have expected there would be a crash at some point. I was doing far too well, even I thought it was strange. In fact, I thought it was kind of wrong that I wasn’t more outwardly devastated. I had a couch day last Wednesday and got up Thursday all perky and normal, feeling fine. I had my moments but really, I was bumbling along alright.

Society doesn’t really give us that long to be a mess about our problems, does it? No-one really wants to talk about it with you over and over and over again.ย It kind of gets boring if every time you see someone they insist on telling you about their miscarriage. We aren’t really permitted to carry our grief around in public for everyone to see on an ongoing basis. It makes the world feel awkward and when people feel awkward they step away to where they feel comfortable again.

So we do our best to pack everything away in order that everyone can feel less awkward and we can get on with things and be happy. ย Which I was doing a bang up job of until yesterday for some reason.

Eric set me off. He came up to see me before going to our Dr’s appt (catch up with the FS yesterday) and we had one of our usual arguments. I don’t know what it is about the pair of us – I think I am overly sensitive to his comments and he is probably a little too insensitive and this does not a good combination make. It means he says stupid things more often than he should and I over-react. So we had one of those barnies. And then once that happens for me and I get worked up my anxiety seems to set in. I think it is in response to an adrenaline rush so this has probably been happening for years but I noticed it for the first time yesterday.

So we are in the car heading off to see the Dr and my breathing starts getting all shallow and it’s hard for me to take a deep breath and I’m not having a panic attack as I seem to be able to manage things these days so that doesn’t happen but I am actively managing my anxiety the whole way there.

The catch up with the Dr was good but I don’t know how I feel about it. He was enthusiastic that we actually got pregnant right after the endo removal. He also enthusiastically insisted that we *must* try again this month. He doesn’t believe in the 3 month wait thing – he says there is no evidence that supports that, it just seems to be a thing handed down through time from Dr to Dr. If anything he says the evidence is that you are more fertile right after a miscarriage. I have heard of this before too but it is interesting to hear it coming straight from the Dr’s mouth.

I made a few protests – what about the delay we would have if I fell preggers and miscarried again? What about PGD? But he insisted no no no no no. Every time you fall pregnant is a chance that it can go all the way and the pregnancy last month is a good sign. Of course I am priming and if I don’t fall this month we will go straight into an IVF cycle with PGD and all the bells and whistles but if we try and fall, maybe the outcome will be good this time.

Also, if we try, fall and miscarry again then he believes it also gives them more information and this will all be helpful info down the track.

I spent the whole appointment feeling like I wanted to burst into tears. I have no idea why. Eric seems to think it is to do with grief and maybe it is. Maybe being in the clinic and talking about this ever elusive baby brings the enormity of the issue down to bear on me. I don’t know, I am just supposing. Supposing, supposing, supposing.

I have been suggesting therapy to other people lately, maybe it’s time I went and had another dose myself.

On the way home in the car Eric and I had another of our fights. And I slid into a cloud of depression. This is the usual cycle for me though: anxiety then depression. It is apparently a very common way to do things. So today I haven’t achieved as much as I would like. And my fucking Netflix has gone psycho. Well my Apple TV has gone psycho which is how I watch the Netflix. So I’m pissed about that.

Anyway, all that aside, here is some practical stuff.

  • My HCG went down to 42 this week. We are almost there at zero and should definitely be at baseline in time for the next IVF cycle.
  • We will be trying this month but I am really unenthusiastic about it. I think I just had my head set for an IVF cycle.
  • Apparently the small amount of androgen cream we use for priming is not enough to be concerned about if I fall pregnant on it (remember I was worried about that last time – I was pleased I got to ask him directly).
  • Incidentally the Dr told me to skip the ovulation strips – he says they can be highly inaccurate. It is better to just have sex every 2-3 days once your period ends, so that’s our strategy this month. This at least makes it all bearable because all the testing and waiting when I know the melatonin fucks with my cycle would drive me crazy. And hey, regular sex is good, right? I wish I could feel more excited about it right now.
  • Clearly, I’m not in a good head space.

So that’s it really. I feel a bit shit, unhappy. I’m trying to be really healthy so I can’t even comfort eat my way out of it, fuck it. That really annoys me. But what annoys me more is that I feel fat and frumpy – I’ve put on that weight I lost through the 3 week health challenge a couple of months ago because I comfort ate my way through my miscarriage. Yay!

OK I think I should draw this to a close. I just noticed that it’s over 1000 words of me moaning. Sorry about that. I just needed to have a moment today.

Oh and there is a lot of sadness and stress in my reader at the moment. If you are one of those people having a shit time of it, come over here and give me a hug. I am totally thinking of you right now xoxox

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58 thoughts on “A funky little headspace

  1. You know, I’m glad that you are a bit funky. I was reading, thinking “she’s ok, she’s ok, she’s still ok, hmm, wtf, she’s still ok…”
    It’s ok to not be ok ๐Ÿ™‚
    You can only get better from here. You’re doing a wonderful job xxx

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  2. Hugging you so hard right now. You definitely should look into talking to somebody. This shit is stressful, even when you don’t have RPL shit piled on top. Anyone who hasn’t been through it first hand, even me with only one mc and possibly one cp under my belt, could not and will not ever fully understand. You will be ok, without a doubt, but you need your happy head space back. All the sex in the world, no matter how good it may be, will just act as a bandaid. I believe doc is right about the positives of it having happened on its own and about never knowing if “this cycle” or “this pregnancy” is “the one”, but… It’s not as easy to just hop back into it when you’re the real, live test subject – who has hopes and dreams and thoughts and fears of her own to deal with. You’re completely normal for feeling the way you’re feeling. I wish you peace & strength. Xx

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    • Yeah that is so true – it is like I’m the test subject and have to keep on going through it. I think that’s why I came away from that appt feeling deflated. I thought we were back to handing it over to the science guys to manage. I am tired of managing it. Trying again this cycle just feels like it is putting the ball back in my court to manage and i don’t want to manage. Anyway, we will try and hopefully I will get happy again. Well I will because that’s just moods. They morph and change and we all get better and worse and rah rah. But I will try and get in with my therapist I think. I need a reboot. Thx lovely xxx

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  3. Can’t bring myself to press the like button because you seem to be having a right shit time of it lately. I don’t think there is any ‘right’ way for you to go through this, you have to do it your own way. If you think therapy would help then by all means do it. Anything that helps you is A-okay in my book at the moment.
    Re: the anxiety and depression, I am there with you love. It is something I have struggled with for many years and it is really hard to fight. I am having some issues with the anxiety and depression stuff at the moment too. Half the time I am trying to tell my head to shut up because my brain is going a mile a minute ugh, drives me nuts.
    HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!

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    • Oh the mind out of control business. Nightmare! I used to suffer from that a lot. I have actually managed to calm that a lot in recent years but it took lots of effort. I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time with all that stuff too right now. Huge hugs back to you. xxx

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      • I am working on calming it, it used to be a lot better, but I have found it creeping back over the past two years at times and it has been getting to be a daily thing for the last 6 months. I have found ways to quieten it when I need to go to bed (that was so hard) for the most part and I have found ways to quieten it for a time during the day by occupying my brain or shutting it off and reading or watching TV, but then afterwards I feel guilty for doing those things hahaha. Busy, busy mind of late. I think the IF, new job, attempting to build a house and dealing with the lack of privacy from living with others is having more affect than I would like it too.

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  4. I hear what you’re saying about the time society gives you to grieve. I’ve had texts off (well meaning) friends asking if I’m ‘better’ now after my miscarriage. Well, no, I’m not actually but that’s nor the answer they’re after…Sending lots of hugs and take as much time as you need to grieve x x

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    • Ha that is exactly what happens! People mean well but sheesh, some of these things you never really “get over”. You just get used to the facts. Thanks for the lovely comment x

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  5. You have every to talk about how horribly crap this stuff is. I’m sorry it sounds like it’s hit you hard today. Try not to be hard on yourself for gaining weight. I do the same but seriously if you can’t comfort eat sometimes who could survive fertility treatment. Hugs to you xx

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  6. “Yeah that is so true โ€“ it is like Iโ€™m the test subject and have to keep on going through it. ” You said that right. It’s like, oh, you just lost a baby. Don’t worry. Go at it again.—Like that saying ,”Just the facts, ma’am.” Where you have to try to be so objective in a painful, subjective time.—I’m sorry. And I’m sorry too that it triggered anxiety and arguments and self-insecurities.—You are so pretty, so verbal, so strong, so motivated, and such a good mom to Monkey. You are not frumpy! –Terri

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  7. I’m sorry you guys have been arguing, I feel like we’ve been kinda going through that lately as well. You would think that over the years you would become less sensitive to the remarks that your significant other makes, but I’m with you…I think we’ve both become MORE sensitive to them. I’m glad that your Dr was excited about things, but I’m sorry you aren’t right there with him. I’ve heard that as well, about being most fertile right after a miscarriage. When I had mine, my Dr told me to just wait until I started my next cycle to start trying again. (Of course then we started with the RE and testing so that went out the window.) I’m happy that either way, you have a plan in place. Hopefully you can work through your funk and get at least a little happy about that. Let me know if you need to talk! *hugs*

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  8. The loss of a loved one never goes away, and I don’t think it should, and I think it’s okay to carry them with you; however, you are right, we aren’t allowed to show our grief as it makes others uncomfortable. So, I will shower you with love and hugs and tell you that anytime you need, you can share your grief with me. With the 10 year age difference between my brother and I, I acted like a 2nd mom to him, and his loss affected me as both a “mother” and a sister, and sometimes I just want to tell someone that the loss still hurts! So, anytime you need, I’ll listen!

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  9. Of course you are feeling this way. The grief was bound to set in. I had an early miscarriage a few IVF cycles ago (although so early I barely had hope) and I was totally fine until a mild depression set in months later thinking about what if. I hope this next comment is ok to say. I think part of your depression and sadness is because your partner in life isn’t able to give you the emotional support you need right now. I am not blaming him or you- I think you explained the dynamic pretty well. What I am saying is if the person closest to us can’t provide the type of emotional support and acceptance and love we need during these times- I think we feel more isolated and lonely. It is a betrayal of sorts. Once again- I don’t say this to place blame but just to remind you that it can contribute to your crappy feeling. You need your partner to be over the top supportive, gentle, kind and understanding right now. It is ok for you to be over sensitive but he needs to not be at all insensitive. Anyway– just my thoughts because I have experienced it myself before my husband now. Sending you lots of love. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Oh and you know we all will care and listen to you for as long as you need. No timeline with us. Xo

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    • Thank you for that lovely comment. And you are right about Eric. Our interactions are a work in progress for sure although when we chatted about this the other day after the day or arguments he did actually say “I need to be more aware of when you are feeling like this and not say those things to you”. I think he should never say the insensitive stuff but you know, it’s all about progress. It is definitely one of the reasons I have my doubts that we will ever go the distance with the unconventional arrangement – he can’t be the type of person I need in a partner. Even if he was over the top madly in love with me he wouldn’t behave differently. He simply isn’t naturally a considerate person. Too much focus on the self with that one. Anyway, I have learnt to never say never as we have both come a long way from where we started when we met so I am leaving that one in the laps of the gods and the universe. I am so sorry you had to experience a loss too. Such a freaking terribly thing to go through. All that hope shattering, it hurts the heart xx

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      • A work in progress is pretty good. So many people can’t even admit when they are wrong so good for him for being self aware. You seem very confident and smart so I know you will figure out what works for you. Xo

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  10. Oh girl, I am so sorry. When you seemed to be doing so well in your last post I was really happy for you, but also like, “How on earth is she doing so well?!” I completely agree with you that society doesn’t give us the time or space to grieve for the miscarriages that we need. It really does take time. I am only just feeling semi-ok about the one I had in December. It’s really, really hard, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself is just let yourself feel things as they come — both the good and the bad.

    On another note, I’m glad the doctor was psyched that you got pregnant right away! That sounds like a very good thing indeed. However, please don’t feel like you HAVE to try again this month. Do whatever is best for you mentally, because in the end neither your doc nor Eric actually had to experience this miscarriage, so only you can really know the best way to proceed. My midwife told me that there is no medical reason to wait three months, but they say that to give their patients some time to recover mentally. If you’re feeling up for it, by all means go for it, but I think it’s totally fine if you don’t want to. Above all, please be kind to yourself. You are an awesome person and you will get through this! Xoxoxo.

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    • Yeah I don’t know about the trying. I know Eric wouldn’t be into it if I said no so I do kind of feel like I have to but you know, we’ll see what happens. Right now I just feel shit but maybe that will lift. I suppose it’s the priming impacting me too and my hormones have taken a bit of a jiggle and I think I may be coming down with a cold. I have a headache and just feel miserable. It is raining here today and I’ve told Monkey it is a pj day. We are staying home and playing games and hanging out and watching shows. I don’t have the energy for anything else. Thanks for the love gorgeous. You are wonderful xxxx

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  11. I so wish there weren’t a million miles separating us so I could have you over, open a good bottle of wine and invite you to vent, scream, bitch, moan or cry until you’ve let it all out. xx

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  12. Hey, I’m really sorry to read all this. There is loads of wiseness & love in the comments above, so I’ll try to keep mine brief… Just want to let you know that I feel for you and send massive hugs. Don’t ever apologise for expressing how you feel, it’s an important thing to do. Am here for you if ever you need to chat xxx

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  13. Oh, man life sounds rough. Honestly, like theskyandback, I’m not surprised to hear that you are having a rough time. Miscarriage and moving on (whatever that means) is not easy. I always hope to have more good days then bad days, I figure that means I’m on the right path. But of course, the bad days always suck. And the bad days where you aren’t on the same page as your partner, well, those are the worst! It took us a while to realize and actually understand that we may experience our grief process entirely differently form one another, and looking back we did almost every single time. Which meant there were times where we weren’t on the same page, just like you are Eric. It’s hard to give each other the space we need and also try to comfort each other in a way that we both need. I’m sending you both love and knowing that you will work through these rough days. Hugs to you.

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    • Thanks lovely. Yes I worry about Eric a lot actually as I feel so wrapped up in my own world and experience of the loss that I worry I don’t give enough comfort to him for the loss he is experiencing. We do talk about it but I do feel a bit self involved where that’s concerned. Anyway, we’ll be fine. And yes, I am just sitting down in the bad days while they are here. I have Monkey with me today and it is raining so I have declared it a PJ day. I do not have the energy for anything else!! Thanks for the hugs. xx

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      • I still get wrapped up in how this is all “me”. I often have to remind myself that Mr. MPB is experiencing all of this too, just in a different way.
        Oh, and a rainy PJ day with Monkey sounds like the perfect day right now. I hope you got lots of Monkey snuggles.

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  14. I’m in the same shit boat. Eating my way through this miscarriage and pretending to be ok. Really all I want to do is scream “buuuut it’s not fair!!”. Having a plan always makes me feel better and when a doctor has a different idea of a plan I can understand your frustration. I get it and I’m sorry.

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    • Oh you poor thing. I just read your blog and noticed how you are doing the same thing as what I was today – counting where you would have been if you were still pregnant. Ugh.The whole thing is just a dreadful and devastating experience. And it’s so not fair. I get it too and I’m sorry. x

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  15. Im sorry that you’re going through this. Its such a shit time, and I think its normal to feel shit.
    I think sometimes when bad things happen we just keep going putting one foot in front of another whilst we work through all the steps. And then when it gets a bit quieter, all the stuff we felt at the time but managed to ignore comes back to remind us. Its a shit thing to have happen, and I don’t think you really deal with it all at once- not just the physical but the emotional, and the loss of the future you had started to imagine.
    Hugs, and I hope you see the rainbow after the rain soon x

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    • Thanks so much. I hope I see a rainbow soon too. The days are a hard slog feeling like this. I think you are right in the way you describe things though. Life waits for a quiet moment to let all the feels through. They don’t go away if you don’t look at them up close, they just hover around until you have a moment to take it all in. Thanks for the lovely thoughts x

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  16. My sweet friend, I am so sorry for my absence but even more sorry for your heartache. *big huge hugs* I am at a complete loss for words. Youโ€™re allowed to have these ups and downs so please be gentle with yourself. Itโ€™s been just over two months for me and Iโ€™m still struggling. I am sending you so much love and strength. Big big hugs!

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    • Thanks lovely. I am so sorry to hear you are still having hard times. I wish I could make it go away but I know that it will fluctuate for you until you achieve your dream as that is what this journey is. Still, it makes me so sad for you. It has been a tough couple of days here for sure but I feel like I’m coming out the other side of it now. Forced myself out for a beach walk this morning and it was worth it. Started the day off right. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hey you are from the Gold Coast or used to live there right? If you are ever up visiting and fancy a coffee let me know. I only live just over the border in Kingscliff. I could come to you. Anyway, just keep it in mind. xxooxo

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      • I wish I was from the Gold Coast! Maybe you’re thinking of the wrong friend ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m from Vancouver, Canada. If you ever make your way back though, I would love to take you up on that coffee!! xoxo

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        • Ha I wrote this on the wrong comment. We will def be back in Vancouver at some point as my brother doesn’t seem to be going anywhere so let’s mark that coffee down as a definite possibility xx

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  17. You need time to get through this and nothing but time can help some things. Several months after my loss last year I actually felt worse than in the weeks following it. It can hit you out of nowhere. And arguing is always distressing- even if it’s innocent bickering it still drains your energy. Nothing really helped me except more planning and more waiting. Both of which suck when your energy is low. Give yourself a big hug and be your own best listener. Everyone does expect you to move on, but you don’t have to move anywhere until you want to xxxxx

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  18. This is going to come out sounding horrible, but I mean it in the most loving of ways. I’m glad that you had a bit of an emotional day (but so much more glad that you are feeling better). It’s ok to not be ok all the time. It’s alright to feel sadness/anxiety over what has happened this past few weeks. I would never have wished this for you. Whatever happens, if you need to talk you know where to reach me

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