A funky little headspace

Ugh. I simply cannot figure out how to write this post and that’s a bit of a strange experience for me. Suddenly it’s like I don’t know how to convey my feelings.

As you know, things have mostly been going along OK since the miscarriage. Looking at it now I should have expected there would be a crash at some point. I was doing far too well, even I thought it was strange. In fact, I thought it was kind of wrong that I wasn’t more outwardly devastated. I had a couch day last Wednesday and got up Thursday all perky and normal, feeling fine. I had my moments but really, I was bumbling along alright.

Society doesn’t really give us that long to be a mess about our problems, does it? No-one really wants to talk about it with you over and over and over again. It kind of gets boring if every time you see someone they insist on telling you about their miscarriage. We aren’t really permitted to carry our grief around in public for everyone to see on an ongoing basis. It makes the world feel awkward and when people feel awkward they step away to where they feel comfortable again.

So we do our best to pack everything away in order that everyone can feel less awkward and we can get on with things and be happy.  Which I was doing a bang up job of until yesterday for some reason.

Eric set me off. He came up to see me before going to our Dr’s appt (catch up with the FS yesterday) and we had one of our usual arguments. I don’t know what it is about the pair of us – I think I am overly sensitive to his comments and he is probably a little too insensitive and this does not a good combination make. It means he says stupid things more often than he should and I over-react. So we had one of those barnies. And then once that happens for me and I get worked up my anxiety seems to set in. I think it is in response to an adrenaline rush so this has probably been happening for years but I noticed it for the first time yesterday.

So we are in the car heading off to see the Dr and my breathing starts getting all shallow and it’s hard for me to take a deep breath and I’m not having a panic attack as I seem to be able to manage things these days so that doesn’t happen but I am actively managing my anxiety the whole way there.

The catch up with the Dr was good but I don’t know how I feel about it. He was enthusiastic that we actually got pregnant right after the endo removal. He also enthusiastically insisted that we *must* try again this month. He doesn’t believe in the 3 month wait thing – he says there is no evidence that supports that, it just seems to be a thing handed down through time from Dr to Dr. If anything he says the evidence is that you are more fertile right after a miscarriage. I have heard of this before too but it is interesting to hear it coming straight from the Dr’s mouth.

I made a few protests – what about the delay we would have if I fell preggers and miscarried again? What about PGD? But he insisted no no no no no. Every time you fall pregnant is a chance that it can go all the way and the pregnancy last month is a good sign. Of course I am priming and if I don’t fall this month we will go straight into an IVF cycle with PGD and all the bells and whistles but if we try and fall, maybe the outcome will be good this time.

Also, if we try, fall and miscarry again then he believes it also gives them more information and this will all be helpful info down the track.

I spent the whole appointment feeling like I wanted to burst into tears. I have no idea why. Eric seems to think it is to do with grief and maybe it is. Maybe being in the clinic and talking about this ever elusive baby brings the enormity of the issue down to bear on me. I don’t know, I am just supposing. Supposing, supposing, supposing.

I have been suggesting therapy to other people lately, maybe it’s time I went and had another dose myself.

On the way home in the car Eric and I had another of our fights. And I slid into a cloud of depression. This is the usual cycle for me though: anxiety then depression. It is apparently a very common way to do things. So today I haven’t achieved as much as I would like. And my fucking Netflix has gone psycho. Well my Apple TV has gone psycho which is how I watch the Netflix. So I’m pissed about that.

Anyway, all that aside, here is some practical stuff.

• My HCG went down to 42 this week. We are almost there at zero and should definitely be at baseline in time for the next IVF cycle.
• We will be trying this month but I am really unenthusiastic about it. I think I just had my head set for an IVF cycle.
• Apparently the small amount of androgen cream we use for priming is not enough to be concerned about if I fall pregnant on it (remember I was worried about that last time – I was pleased I got to ask him directly).
• Incidentally the Dr told me to skip the ovulation strips – he says they can be highly inaccurate. It is better to just have sex every 2-3 days once your period ends, so that’s our strategy this month. This at least makes it all bearable because all the testing and waiting when I know the melatonin fucks with my cycle would drive me crazy. And hey, regular sex is good, right? I wish I could feel more excited about it right now.
• Clearly, I’m not in a good head space.

So that’s it really. I feel a bit shit, unhappy. I’m trying to be really healthy so I can’t even comfort eat my way out of it, fuck it. That really annoys me. But what annoys me more is that I feel fat and frumpy – I’ve put on that weight I lost through the 3 week health challenge a couple of months ago because I comfort ate my way through my miscarriage. Yay!

OK I think I should draw this to a close. I just noticed that it’s over 1000 words of me moaning. Sorry about that. I just needed to have a moment today.

Oh and there is a lot of sadness and stress in my reader at the moment. If you are one of those people having a shit time of it, come over here and give me a hug. I am totally thinking of you right now xoxox