Fertility Fatigue

fertility fatigue

Fertility fatigue. Fertility fatigue. Fertility fatigue.

Those words have been rolling around in my brain all afternoon ever since I had the realisation that for once, despite having a super hectic few weeks, I am not completely fatigued. The reality of this just amazes me. I mean, I’m in my 24th week of pregnancy and I have a four year old and I solo parent most of the time. Eric does usually take Monkey for 24 hours on the weekend but last weekend he stayed here instead and I got a 4 hour break in the afternoon on Saturday and the weekend before that he was in Singapore so I was full-time mummy after a busy week of solo mummying.

Usually if Eric misses a weekend of taking our little dude I am toast by the next week so the fact that we are now two weeks after that and I am feeling motivated and energetic, well, it just blows me away.

Monkey does go to pre-school 3 days a week (1 long day and 2 short) but I do work and run around doing my appointments across those days so they aren’t a rest per se, just a rest from parenting. And yet I’m not really that fatigued. Yes yes, I have the second trimester bump to thank for some of it I’m sure but the reality is that I also no longer have the stress of infertility and the related fatigue weighing me down.

I think when we are in the thick of this journey that we underestimate the toll it takes us. So often I am reading blogs by beautiful women in the midst of their fertility journey feeling anxious, emotional, depressed and afraid and wondering why. You are thinking surely the meds can’t effect you that much. Are you really have that strong a reaction? Is it something else? Is it all in your head? Why can’t you just deal with this easily and continue on with your life? You don’t want to be a burden on your partner, you job or anyone really and just want to soldier on and be strong and brave. Even worse, you feel you are letting the side down if you have even a moment where you can’t cope.

I know I felt completely irrational so much of the time that we went through this journey – I can see it more looking back now. And Eric and I seemed to have these crazy fights when we were in the thick of it because it was almost breaking me, I just didn’t realise it at the time. I can only see it now that I am starting to heal and feel like I am starting to put myself back together.

Girlfriend, if that’s you right now, you ARE strong and brave. Being impacted by your situation is not weak and cowardly, it’s REAL. And your situation is not “oh I didn’t get pregnant this month”. It’s a myriad of appointments, the artificial stimulation and repression of your hormones, the rise and fall of hope in your heart, moments of almost success that then slip through your fingertips, miscarriages for so many, adoption heartbreak for others, delayed cycles, no money, relationship strain, and eons of holding your breath so long it feels like your chest may explode. And it just goes on and on and on and on and on.

brave and strong

Just think about that for a second.

It’s not even the complete list and already I feel tired just thinking about it. That’s a lot of stuff to be going on at once, let alone for a prolonged period of time. And that is what infertility is – a prolonged period of trying to build a family and having it not work…

every. fucking. time.

Writing and thinking of it right now brings back so many memories for me and is truly almost more than I can bear. And I am one of the lucky ones.

My journey is not yet over. I am yet to bring a live baby home to cuddle and I am terrified that something hideous will happen in the meantime that means I will not. Or in my darkest moments I become terrified that I will lose the one little living breathing miracle I already have (yes, my stupid brain does go there some days). But I am closer now than I have ever been and the fog is lifting and I am looking around and thinking to myself Wow, this is what it feels like to feel motivated again. It feels good but most of all it feels lucky and makes me introspective like I am here today.

I want you all to feel that too. All you ladies walking the uphill slope on this journey with your backpack heavy with all that stuff, I want you to get to the part where you don’t need the pack anymore and the hill levels out to be a nice stroll in the garden and there is sunshine and colour and joy to light your world. There will always be a dark corner in the distance behind those trees but it won’t permeate your entire world.

I want you to have this too.

Until that day comes, go easy on yourself. The journey is wild and your pack is full. Sometimes you just need a little sit down.

 

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34 thoughts on “Fertility Fatigue

  1. Yes! This infertility, loss, pregnancy after loss, pregnancy after infertility, and/or adoption, is such a hard way to live!! I don’t think it matters what your exact path is, it’s all miserable! The appointments, the drugs, the procedures, the constant questions from medical people and friends and family. It’s beyond exhausting! And it takes a toll on us and I think, no matter the final outcome we all carry these lasting impacts with us.
    All that said, I am so hopeful for you. I firmly believe you will be holding your little one soon enough. ☺

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes it totally is all miserable and I think we are so hard on ourselves about that misery when we are in it.

      I firmly believe you will be holding a baby soon too, MPB. 🙂 That thought really does make me smile.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s funny you write this because last night Chris randomly said to me…”This is exhausting!” I had no idea what he was talking about and asked him what is exhausting “IVF is exhausting”, which surprised me because I felt like saying but your not the one pumped with the hormones!!! I didn’t say that, but he reminded me that he is put through this equally and I don’t think I will ever truly understand his feelings and how hard it is for him too.

    This is a great reminder that even when we see those two pink lines, the journey isn’t quite over yet. It’s nice to hear you are feeling a little more energy as the weight of infertility starts to fall off but by bit 😊 (although I think sadly it will never leave any of us wholly)

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think to a degree there is an element for the dudes that is so hard as they are kept so external from the process. Pregnancy is a bit like that too. It’s like it is happening but not happening. It is so great of Chris to speak up and voice his feelings about it. And yes sadly I think it will never leave those of us in this journey completely even when one day a happy ending arrives. Hope all is going on for you in this TWW.x

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  3. Thank you for this! This is what I kind of want to say to my friends when they say “Oh at least you now know you can get pregnant” or “Just keep trying”! I think, you don’t know the half of it, how long we’ve tried and what I had to pump my body full of to get that far! It’s a shocker.

    Thank you for your empathy and for putting into words what it’s like. And also, thank you for being a success story! Looking forward to the day you have your new little one in your arms! Xx

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    • Yeah people seem to see infertility in isolated experiences rather than the culmination or the whole. It is what happens that cycle or pregnancy as opposed to the overall thing. I think maybe it is self protection too because to think of it as the whole is pretty overwhelming. Thank YOU for reading my blog even though I am mostly talking about pregnancy. I am sure it isn’t always easy xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh I enjoy your blog. I think the thing is, you come across very level headed and I like the way you explain things! And of course it would be hard to follow infertility blogs without a splash of pregnancy every now and then! 😉 It’s great to read other perspectives, especially those who have been through it and are coming out the other side. I’m excited for you! X

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  4. Nailed it. I finally feel free of the chains & shackles that had been weighing me down for so long. Perhaps that’s part of the reason I haven’t felt inspired to blog much anymore, aside from the newborn baby exhaustion. My nightmare is over. My dream finally materialized. My perfect, beautiful little bundle is in my arms, suckling away, and despite being sleep deprived and my body void of muscle tone, posture out the window, etc…I finally feel whole again. My “me” is back. You are so close to that finish line sweetie and you’re doing amazing! Xx

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  5. This absolutely made me cry. I feel like you are talking directly to me in this post. Thank you so much for writing this. You know I’ve been having such an incredibly hard time lately, and I’ve felt depressed and like I’m losing my mind. In rare moments of clarity I realize that it’s the meds and the stress of everything, but most of the time I just feel like I’m drowning. It’s nice to know that this feeling doesn’t stay forever, and eventually the fog lifts from your brain and your heart. I’m so happy that you’re finding yourself healing on the other side of all of this, and I can’t wait to see pics of that little girl when you get her in your arms! You’re the best Em, thank you for everything! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for writing and sharing this. I think it’s easy to forget just how exhausting it all is and be hard on ourselves. Thank you for reminding us to be kind to ourselves x x x

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  7. You have been to hell and back in this journey of yours, and now you are finally in a good place. Your energy level is reflecting your glass-half-full status! I cannot wait for you to get those cuddles in with your baby girl. xoxo

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    • It was just so refreshing to look back on my experience and see how different I feel now. I had to share it to give others some hope as when you are in the trenches, man it is crap and you often can’t see the woods for the trees. And yes, I think when this baby comes I am going to have so much appreciation I will probably totally indulge her! lol

      Liked by 1 person

  8. What a lovely post. Thank you for writing this. So happy for you that you have some relief from this heavy stuff. I’ve wondered how much easier life might be to not have infertility treatment in my life. It’s totally understandable that you would have more worries about your pregnancy or your child after what you’ve gone through but it really sounds like it’s all going to be all okay.

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  9. Love this.

    And totally agree. (And annoyed with WP, they don’t put titre posts in my reader!!!)

    I’m very much in a back and forth place – some days I see the light am bathing in it, ready to shed the last four years. Other days, I’m right back there. The thing I hated most about my infertility journey was how it took me from a calm, happy, healthy and stable place, back to my childhood. I feel so much anger at myself and the universe for that – and that’s where the majority of my personal emotional work gets done – to stop hurting myself or devaluing my experience and recognizing that it is situational, it wasn’t my fault and I dud the best I could.

    I’m hopeful that time will heal these wounds and maybe even that I’ll come out even stronger, happier and more settled. Already, on the good days (and there are more of those now) I feel lighter and stronger and my view of the world us bigger and I remember it will only get better.

    That’s a really long way of saying: thank you for writing this.

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    • I thought it might resonate with you right now. I think ultimately we won’t really be set free until our babies are in our arms and even then we will carry a piece of that darkness with us forever. But hopefully in a different way. I love that we get to see glimpses of the light more and more often as our pregnancies progress. Nothing like a bit of light to give us hope. X

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