Well that didn’t take long

So here’s the scoop peeps…

I want another baby. 

Isn’t that just flipping out of this world crazy? And I don’t mean I want to trade in the Hollster and get another one. I mean I want an additional one. As in a THIRD child.

What the actual fuck? 

I don’t even understand it to be honest. One minute I’m moaning about the pain in my vagina and declaring no human will ever exit my loins ever again and the next I feel deep in my bones that I want to have one more baby at some point. I just feel like there is another soul out there for us, apparently.

This baby, you know the one I had only 8 weeks ago, is actually doing really great at the moment so I think that is part of it. After my last post she kind of self corrected those night sleeps so I think it must have been the 6 week growth spurt. And bless her heart she is getting better and better at being put down and sleeping on her own. She still catnaps in the day the little upstart but I really feel like things are improving. And even without all the sleeps I would like she is sooooooo happy. I think that’s what is going on. She is melting my heart with her happiness and giggles. I mean, seriously, CHECK HER OUT:

So at 8 weeks young we are pretty much on 4 feeds a day (3-4 hourly feed cycle)  and 2 overnight (1130ish and 330ish). She is a pretty efficient little feeder so her feeds don’t last all that long so it doesn’t seem too taxing at all. 

Of course it is not always like this. We have only been on this cycle this past almost week which is ages in baby land but not really that longand sometimes I do top her feeds up during the day. I just follow her cues and do what I think she needs. Sometimes I fuck it up, sometimes I get it right and the longer we go on our little journey together the better I feel I am getting at reading her. Now I have said that though she will go down a totally different path just to screw with me as that’s what babies seem to do!

Anyway I am not planning on doing the baby thing in the immediate future. In fact I am turning Eric down more often than not as I am scared of some weird voodoo where all of a sudden I fall pregnant at the drop of a hat (and before even getting my period back because IT HAPPENS people) despite it taking us all most 3 years to get BeeGee (Holly’s new blog name from this point btw). 

I have no intention of going down the full on secondary infertility path again. When the time comes we will go back and have the endo operation again to clear me out but that is all we will do. No more IVF. Just go old fashioned sex. I will most certainly be 40 or even 41 at that point so things just may not happen based on age alone and I’m ok with that. But we will have a little crack at it nonetheless. 
Well maybe. I’m hating on Eric a bit at the moment so I may have chucked his entire worldly possessions on the lawn by then and told him to get lost. Might be a bit hard to have the third baby without him as buggered if I’m starting over all that biz with someone new. Far too complicated. 

Meanwhile I am going to try and find me some reasonable birth control that doesn’t make me craaaaaay-zeeeee. Can’t believe after all we have been through I am thinking about freaking birth control. Just seems wrong. But I’m not sure my mental health would survive a baby in 9 months time. TOO SOON. 

So there you have it, the baby scoop. 

It is official: I am a flipping nutter. 


Childbirth injuries happen no matter how you give birth

I read this awesome article this morning talking about childbirth injuries and why some of our OBs don’t do a very good job of handling these issues. 

If you are experiencing any sort of pain, incontinence or if everything is just a little “not right” then find yourself a women’s health Physio (that is basically a summary of the article conclusion). And it doesn’t matter if it was a vaginal birth or csection, these things can happen to us all. 

I think we are expected to just pick ourselves up and recover from birth like it was nothing when really, it is a massive event for your body and it is quite normal if something isn’t quite the same after it. Yes women have been delivering in the fields for years because oh it’s natural but I bet they also have flappy vaginas from tears that haven’t healed and terrible incontinence issues. They aren’t all just bouncing back because they are back in the fields the next day.

My favourite quote from the article on this:

One New York mother summed up her recent postpartum experience this way: ‘You’re not hemorrhaging? OK, peace, see you later.'”

Here’s the link if you want to have a read. I highly recommend it if you have anything at all funky going on. 


“Sleep when the baby sleeps”, they said

THEY. Bunch of freaking know it alls if you ask me. 

My baby catnaps for 20 mins only. Sometimes she will resettle to make the full 40 min sleep cycle but that’s usually about it, regardless of whether I wear her or drive her or hold her. Holding her has the most success though. Sometimes she will then allow herself to cross into another cycle. And I mean maybe once every three days when I need to go to the bathroom and it is either put her down and have her wake or hold her and maybe pee my pants a little as my pelvic floor has not yet recovered enough to allow an ongoing busting situation. 

So there’s not much baby sleeping time for me to sleep.

At night we don’t do that much better but it is better so feel I should be grateful. We were getting a 2.5-3 hour cycle overnight (so that is from the beginning of one feed until the start of the next one – it is not all sleeping time) and I could deal with that. The last two nights we have regressed to a 2 hourly cycle and it is killing me. I am hoping it is just a growth spurt and it doesn’t become a habit. PLEASE GOD. 

Sometimes she wakes after only 1.5 hours. When that happened last night I did manage to resettle her but had to have her next to me in bed so I could hold her dummy in forever. Co-sleeping doesn’t seem to make a lick of difference unless she is actually ON me and well, that isn’t good for MY sleep. 

This morning I tried swaddling her again (she hates it) and still only a 20 min nap except this time we started it with a few minute scream-a-thon in protest of the swaddle. I am now holding her and sitting in the rocking chair to extend the nap. Ugh. She is actually pretty happy during the day despite all this but if she doesn’t get enough day sleep it is a witching hour scream-a-thon and that sucks. Plus sleep is supposed to be restorative and I feel like she isn’t getting enough of the good juice for her brain. I want her to have a healthy brain! Just one good sleep a day would be so good. I can handle cat naps after that. And decent night sleeps of course. 

So at 6 weeks in I am feeling so weary. I am starting to say things like “I want to give up breastfeeding” which I won’t do but damn, I find it tough to be the only one that can soothe her or sort her out with what she needs when she seems to need it so frequently. And she seems to have gone off Eric for now so it really is only me who can hold her/feed her/soothe her at this point.

My last one was a tricky sleeper. I thought I was supposed to get a cruisy version this time???? Lies. It’s all lies. I feel so guilty too as to spend time with the baby trying to get her to sleep more I am spending less time with my big boy who is missing me and needs me. 

 I don’t think I would ever get a cruisy baby. Both my babies have been the reflux/colic types and I think a lot of it has been down to the dairy thing. I’ve cut it out now and she is a lot more settled for it – doesn’t grunt and groan as much when trying to sleep – so we will keep on with that. But with two parents who are dairy intolerant there is now way I am going to get a baby who isn’t bothered by it and when they are bothered by it you get bad sleeping/reflux/colic. I think that’s why the idea of a third is so stressful for me. It is truly a season of tough sleeplessness. 

All this is impacted by the fact that I am still trying to work from home a little. There really isn’t that much to do but when it is stop/start/stop/start it gets hard to get it done. If she’d just have ONE 1.5/2hr sleep per day I could squish it in probably no more than one, maybe sometimes two days per week in the sleep time. But nooooooooo. 

Anyway I’m an old pro at this baby thing as I’ve been there before so I know that things change all the time. It may get inexplicably better soon and it may get inexplicably worse. We just have to ride it out. Eventually you get through to the other side. But today I just felt like having a vent.

My new favourite saying is For Fucks Sake and I seem to be using it a lot as sleep deprivation makes me clumsy. Have you noticed that? When you are tired everything seems a zillion times more difficult and life in general just seems so easy to fuck up. 

So here’s my vent.

Tricky sleepers suck! And I just pulled a hair out of my boob. For fucks sake. 

The days postpartumĀ 

I have been trying to find time to sit down and write this for weeks now but it just hasn’t happened. I have finally resigned myself to typing it out in my phone which I HATE but if I don’t do it now the whole thing will become a fuzzy distant memory and that’s not helpful to anyone, least of all me if my ovaries start to ache again and I think I want another baby. 

Here we go, best as I can remember. 

DAY 1 – OMFG I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My body feels wobbly, like a skeleton hanging from the ceiling and jiggling at the joints. Is my pelvis even connected anymore? And that region between my legs? I know I wanted a natural birth but faaaaaaark. OUCH. 

They had to put a catheter in last night as my bladder wasn’t draining and it was pushing my uterus off to the side so at 4am they were sticking stuff inside the place that had just been stitched and stretched within an inch of its life. I feel a bit ripped off about this but anyway. 

I think it is safe to announce that NO HUMAN IS COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA WVER AGAIN. We are done.

But are we done? Is this what complete feels like? People always say they know. I started analysing this almost as soon as she was born. I can say with certainty that I am ok with this being what my family looks like. No one is missing to my knowledge but you know, sometimes people just show up and then you can’t live your life without them so I am ok with that too…I suppose. So in short, I’m not ready to tie loops in any tubes or anything but I would approach the third child thing hesitantly. 

On the upside, baby did quite well last night but they always do the first night. They are generally so shell shocked from being brought out into the bright lights of life that they sleep like they are never going to sleep again for months. 

DAY 2 – yeah so the baby woke up. I confess, I had a moment during the incessant night feeding last night where I stared at her and thought “What have I done?”. I adore her and she is beautiful and I wouldn’t give her up for all the tea in China but man, I’d kind of forgotten the intensity of the newborn bringing the milk in phase. It takes awhile and it isn’t easy. My nipples are fucking killing me.

No more babies. We are done. Forget the birth issue, I don’t have another season of night feeds in me. 

As far as the body goes I do not yet feel as good as I would like. I mean, people go home from hospital by now regularly in the public system. I am simply getting mollycoddled because I am in the luxurious private system! So I expected to feel better than this by now. When I stand up it feels like my vagina and whatever else is in there (bladder? Uterus?) is about to come falling out of my body. The pressure is intense. It is heavy. 

They took the catheter out this morning which was a relief as it was starting to get caught and pull a bit as I was moving around to change nappies etc so I was worried about doing some damage. The thing had to go. 

Did some walking around the ward today. It was minimal but it is progress. 

DAY 3 – The OB scooted in and out so quick I barely saw him. Body still feels like it is breaking. They are going to send a Physio for me to chat to as maybe it is a bit too much because of the whole sacrum popping thing during the pushing stage. Baby has started that “DON’T PUT ME DOWN” phase some of them seem to favour and it is terrifying me that this is will be her thing.

I thought I’d feel a lot better by now. Waaaahhhh. After being more mobile today and yesterday I started to get a scratchy feeling on the inside of my vagina. It feels like maybe on a stitch? And it stings like a motherfucker when blood comes out of there. The perenium…not so bad. But this does not feel right. 

I think I’m going home tomorrow but no one really has told me officially. Some midwives in the evening have the chirpy “Going home tomorrow?” question but I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that. I STILL haven’t pooped so I figure that might keep me about for awhile? Eric  has a few things to do in the morning and I think there is a check out time so not sure how that is going to work. The whole thing is stressing me out a bit. 

DAY 4 –  Baby blues arrived overnight on schedule. Thankfully had an amazing midwife on who took Holly for a bit to try and allow me some sleep. This internal graze business is really painful. I was basically sat on the toilet in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out with the pain. I am starting to feel ripped off by my vaginal birth. Isn’t it supposed to be easier than a c-section recovery? Because right now it doesn’t actually feel that way AT ALL. The c-section recovery was no picnic but I don’t remember it sucking this hard. 

Maybe my expectations were too high? I don’t know. All I know is that I thought it would be easier than I am experiencing. 

Had to have an enema this morning because still hadn’t pooped. Thought that would be an awful experience but honestly the pressure to go was so intense by that point I almost kissed them when they suggested it and it wasn’t all that bad. Why does no one talk about these experiences? Surely women are having them all the time? 

We are home by lunch time after more tears and I am so grateful my mum is here but am so uncomfortable I’m not expressing it very well. Monkey is sick so we are trying to keep him away from the baby. It is stressful. I am so happy to see him and he just wants to shower her with love and we can’t let him and ugh. This is hard.

DAY 5 – I didn’t think it was possible but I feel worse today. That graze is REALLY painful. This healing from a tear business is no fun. People keep asking to visit and I keep saying no as I feel so awful. I pretty much can’t walk properly. I hobble and hold the area between my legs as when the blood gushes out it stings so bad. It is intense but surprisingly mood wise I am coping ok, just not very chatty. 

DAY 6 – I let my neighbour visit as she has been asking since the birth and we talk a bit about healing from tears – she had them with both her births. Mine seems more intense than it should be so I decide to call the OB and leave a message for the midwife to call me to talk about whether or not to come in. Around lunchtime the local area midwife calls to arrange an appt and I tell her what I am experiencing. She says to put pressure on my OB’s office to see me ASAP as it could be something serious so I get on the phone and start hassling. Finally I get to speak to someone around 3pm and they tell me to come straight in. Then it’s a fucking last minute nightmare dash out the door when they could have just called back this morning but anyway, at least I am getting it looked at. 

Anyway, turns out my OB LEFT A SWAB inside me when stitching me up and that’s what has been causing all these issues with the graze and bleeding and walking and recovering. I love my OB, I do, but for fucks sake dude. I felt about a million times better as soon as he removed it. The transformation was incredible. Suddenly I felt lighter and happy and chatty and NORMAL. No wonder things felt so heavy in that area. 

He gave me antibiotics but they can impact baby and breastmilk so just going to see how it feels over the next few days before delving into that (at his advice). I see him again in just under a week for follow up. He is sheepish to say the least. 

DAY 7 – one week since baby girl was born and finally I feel a bit normal. NOW I can see more what people are talking about when they say recovery from a vaginal birth is so much easier. This is better and I’m not even 100% yet. 

DAY 9 – last night it was just Holly and me hanging out. I am all set for a night of being on my own for a gazillion night feeds but she isn’t waking for her usual feed times. I try to wake her and find that tricky. Eventually I manage it but she feeds quite slowly and sluggishly and for a much shorter time. Is she sick? Something doesn’t feel right. Her temp is 37.5 C which is borderline concerning for a newborn. Once Eric gets back at lunchtime things haven’t improved and I am starting to stress so off we go to the local hospital ER. 

AWFUL! As soon as they ask me her name I burst into tears. I was so afraid that after all we’d been through to get her something was about to come and take her away from me. 

DAY 12 – we bought baby girl home from hospital for the second time yesterday. It is has been a bit full on as my milk went down when she wasn’t feeding as much while sick so we are working on bringing the supply up again. 

Today we venture out together, just the two of us, for our follow up appointment with the OB after SWABGATE. The graze, while improved, is still bugging me so I ask him to take a look. It IS a stitch and it is slightly inflamed so I am NOT completely crazy which makes me feel relieved. He gives me different antibiotics which are supposed to be the shiz for this sort of thing. 

DAY 14 – two days of antibiotics so far and I am feeling good and pain free. THIS is what I am expecting for my vaginal birth. It has been an adventure but can now honestly say that I feel better at 2 weeks post partum than I did 2 weeks post c-section so that’s a win for the vagina! 


5+ weeks PP

Well here’s how it has all panned out a few weeks on. 

  • Baby girl got an upset tummy from the antibiotics I was on so that shit was trying. I stopped them after 6 days which OB was ok with. I had a follow up appointment last week and he says all looks good. Apparently I am cleared for…ahem…usual activities. We’ll see.I am not bursting to get back there. 
  • I am starting to get a bit concerned that I have a bowel injury from the birth and that is not making me happy. Nothing too major but there are some less than ideal symptoms so it is back in touch with the OB about this, just when he thought he had closed my file! Ha! I have been doing kegels like crazy to strengthen the area so I hope it helps. If something is going on down there then I can safely say this is my last baby. There is no way I would do it all again and ruin it completely. Fuck that. 

Childbirth is brutal peeps. Some of us come through unscathed, others carry a lifetime of bumps and bruises and scars with them that they need to deal with. I feel sorry for women before the advancement of medical science. If they survived the whole caper I bet their bits were never the same again. Awful. 

Writing all this out has made me see how tough this process has been for me. And yet my mood has stayed relatively normal throughout it all. So those birth hormones that I missed out on because I was asleep for Monkey’s birth really have been so powerful this time. It is incredible. I am glad I had this experience and wouldn’t change my choice for anything despite the hurdles. On the morning they broke my waters I prayed for a birth without trauma whatever happened and I believe I got that. Sure the aftermath has been trickier than I anticipated but I am not traumatised by the birth and that was what was really important to me. 

You know my Grandma had 7 babies and my nana 6. Talk about some amazing women and amazing bodies. I am in awe of them. 

…and so these are the days postpartum…