The End of Emily and Eric?

I have been saying for a long time that I would write about where things are at with me and Eric. I know I am not obliged to share any of the details at all but am happy to as it is part of how this story began – with our unusual relationship. I have mainly held back as things have felt really volatile so I didn’t really know where things were heading myself, although in my heart I think I really did know what was happening; I just had to accept it.

Anyway, here is the update on that.

*******

We had that conversation yesterday. You know the one. The civil one that is the death knell to any relationship. 

“It’s just not working, is it?” we almost whispered to each other.

This is the one that can’t be passed off as heat of the moment. The one that says we are reaching the end.

I thought I would feel a sense of relief once it was out there and we could move forward with how things might look for our little family once mummy and daddy move on to separate places and eventually separate people.

But I don’t.

I just feel sad. Not because I’m losing anything. I’m actually not. But I’m losing the hope that surrounded us.

So why leave, you ask. Well…there is no love. He does not turn to me for emotional fulfilment. His partner is not his best friend, or even one of his best friends. He doesn’t really want a companion. He seeks companionship and emotional fulfilment from friends and expects that I should do the same. I’m actually not sure why he wants a relationship at all to be honest because I’m not sure what he gets from it? Someone to do this housework and bonk him on the regular is all it seems. 

It’s not got much to do with me. He has never had a relationship where his partner has been his true friend. He actually doesn’t understand what I am asking for. He thinks it’s weird. I wish I was joking.

Do you know we have never once told each other that we loved each other?  I have pussyfooted around it at the birth of our children but he has stonewalled me both times.

I am an extremely emotional soul and I need to connect with my partner. It is important to me and pretty much the only thing I cannot compromise on. I can cope with the lack of domestic assistance and the regular need for boys nights and alone time. All that doesn’t bother me. But I do need to feel connected and loved.

Right now I feel so lonely. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see you is about the loneliest it gets. So I need to move away from that. It is making me depressed and resentful. Plus I am concerned that we are not modelling a healthy relationship for our children. After all, isn’t that why we are giving this a go in the first place? For the kids? So if this isn’t good for the kids then we need to fix it or not be in it.

Yesterday I came home and I danced with my babies. We have an almost daily dance-a-thon at our house, Eric never participates. He says he feels stupid. He is still that boy who was never cool and this feeling inside him won’t allow him to relax and let go and do the things that young Eric felt uncool and judged doing. He is still such a boy in those ways. So concerned with his coolness at 47 which if anything is actually uncool. So I danced with my babies and I thought to myself that I am going to find the guy who will dance in my dance-a-thon. That’s the guy who gets me. He will find me one day or I will find him and even if my babies are big by then it doesn’t matter, we will still dance.

My mum has always been a bit of a champion for me and Eric as she just wants the family to survive I guess but I rang her before we went away and asked her to please hear me. She has finally heard me now. I rang her the other day she said to me “You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and he doesn’t cherish you”.

I repeated this to Eric just to check as you shouldn’t ever make assumptions. He said “She is right, I don’t cherish you” and it didn’t even sting because I already knew.

So why do I sit here asking myself if I can accept the relationship model he is offering me? I know it will make me depressed so why am I even considering it? The only way I flourish is without him. I know this to be true.

He consistently tells me I don’t exercise enough, that I’m not tan enough, that I’m too many kilos overweight and reminds me on the regular that he once left a girlfriend for being too fat. All this sort of talk does is make me want to eat KFC. I do not need this in my life and I’m not ok with it. I’m glad I am strong and able to tell him where to go but it does wear me down.

Who wants to even be with that guy? That guy blows! I would tell any of my girlfriends to get the hell out of there and if I didn’t have the kids I would totally get the hell out of here but that’s not my life. I do have the kids and breaking up the family still feels so fucking sad.

I don’t see an alternative though. We need to go on and be the best people we can be as we aren’t being that together. That is the best example we can set for our children. And maybe Eric can meet someone and have his aha moment where his partner is actually his friend. I do feel sorry for him that he has never experienced that.

Anyway I feel like I should have finished this about 300 words ago as I’m rambling now. Feel free to throw me your thoughts.

Mwah.

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35 thoughts on “The End of Emily and Eric?

  1. Oh lady, so much in this post. Your mum is right, you do deserve to be with someone who cherishes you. I’m sad for him in that he hasn’t felt that, but man it must be hard to stand by and hear it.
    As for the not tan, and thin enough, not whatever – that’s all such bullshit. If you were thinner and more tanned he still wouldn’t cherish you – he’s not capable. Not to say that that’s his reasoning, but why say this? Your physical appearance wouldn’t change anything, so why say it – it’s just dead air.
    Onwards and upwards, EM. Your kids deserve to see you happy x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! This is exactly what I said to him yesterday. It wouldn’t make a difference how I looked, we are actually fundamentally incompatible as what we want from a relationship is completely different. Thx for the support. Hope you are well xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You sound so strong and self aware that I can’t really say much that you don’t already know. Yes of course you deserve to be cherished. Being tan and skinny has nothing to do with it. Your kids deserve more and you deserve more. I absolutely adore that you have a dance party every night. What a lovely Mom you are and incredible woman who will be cherished when the time comes. Xo

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  3. I have so much to say to this, I don’t even know where to start, and I’m sure I’d mess it all up lol but I’ll try. You absolutely deserve better, and I’m glad to see that you realize that and are at the point where you can start to make a move in that direction. It’s obviously not an easy thing to do, or will it happen overnight, but you’re a strong woman and I know in my heart you will do what’s right/best for you and your babies. Eric obviously doesn’t have it in him to give you what you want/need/deserve, and you both see that, and that’s the hardest step. It is very sad that he’s never felt that connection with someone. He reminds me of my sister’s husband…which is a sad, confusing story in itself…he basically only loves himself, has no connection with his kids, and has said that he’s never loved my sister. What a sad way to live. But you don’t need to live with his negativity and emptiness anymore. You shouldn’t feel alone when you’re with someone. You have to put yourself and your kids first. You have to be happy so that you can help them be happy. You deserve someone who loves you and them and will connect with you all and be silly and happy and crazy and not feel stupid doing it. Sending you so much love and strength. If you ever need to vent or chat you can always bug me on Facebook! *hugs*

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    • Oh I really feel for your sister. That sounds awful. I will say one thing for Eric and that is he does adore the kids and wants to be near them and with them. Your sister has a raw deal 😦

      Thank you so much for your beautiful words and support. I think you said it all very well 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s just the tip of the iceberg for her, I could go on for days. But yes, I’m so happy that at least Eric loves your kids, because that will be so important for them. You’re more than welcome. I wanted to say more but stopped myself 😉

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  4. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You and your kids (and ultimately Eric) deserve to be happy. Through the deepest downs, the ups will always get better and better if you listen to your little inner voice.
    You are beautiful outside and in and telling someone they need to look different is just trying to shape you into a different person. A person I doubt will still ever be enough because he doesn’t value you.
    My heart goes out to you and your little family that you get some peace and love. Love. I nearly dropped my phone when I read that. You deserve to be loved for all that you do and told.
    Xoxo thinking of you

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    • Thank you so much. You are so right with all this. I have said much the same to him – I doubt the relationship would be any different even if I did fit his perfect vision externally because he is not interested in ME as a person and doesn’t value the core of who I am.

      Hey so nice to see your name pop up! Hope you guys are going well x

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  5. You deserve to be loved and cherished the way you want it to be. This must be so hard and I am thinking of you during this difficult time! I will be sending love to you and your kids as you’re dancing about!!

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  6. I’ve been reading your blog for almost three years now, and I wholeheartedly believe that you deserve someone who will love you and worship you and feel lucky every single day to be able to call you theirs. And your children deserve that too. I can’t even believe that he would expect you to lose weight, or change, or be a different person when he has no intention of doing the same for you. You are amazing and wonderful and you deserve the best.

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    • Awwwww THANK YOU so much. That is a really beautiful comment. Everyone deserves this. I wish we all had access to it so easily and that bad relationships didn’t exist!

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  7. While I hate to hear this, I’m happy for you. This takes balls, and you’re so brave. I know it has to be hard. But everything worthwhile usually is, right?

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  8. Every one in the world deserves to be cherished and loved. Especially by their partner in life!!!! And of course you deserve this as a bare minimum. And your kids deserve to see and experience such a relationship!
    Also, dance party participation is a basic must! ❤

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  9. It’s so unfair that you’ve been treated this way but I can see why it’s hard to end things. It’s always hard when you’ve had hope that things could work but must be so much harder with two kids. You are super strong and I hope this awful time ends soon, that you continue to recognize what a beautiful, strong person you are (which can be hard when you’re being put down), and one day I’m sure you will find the relationship that you deserve. Hugs to you xx

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    • Yeah throwing the kids in the mix just makes it so tricky. I’ve never had trouble walking away but aaarrgh THE KIDS. Eric stayed say the other night and when he got back they were both just climbing all over him and it just made me feel mean that I am taking that opportunity away. Gah. ANYWAY what will be will be. Thanks lovely. Hope you got my email the other day FINALLY. Shocking attempt from me. X

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  10. Sorry, I’m days behind – but man, what a post! I’ve been cheering you on from way over here – but honestly, I’m with you on this, he can’t give you what you need, and it isn’t healthy for you. I fully support the decision, you need to do you. You need to take care of you – as the saying goes “you can’t pour from an empty vessel”, and if he isn’t helping to fill you up, then he is draining you – and that will take away from the care you can give the kids. So, do it – and take the time to grieve for what might have been, and then move on and find someone who will participate in your dance-a-thons every night!
    I’m actually struggling in the opposite direction – I’m struggling to feel worthy of my guy. Like I don’t feel I deserve him. And let me tell you, it has me a bit discombobulated! (And yes, I have a series of blog posts about to come out that totally contradict that statement – but for real, you can’t make up the messes I make in my life… they will all circle around in the end!!)

    But, back to you – sending you love and hugs – and you got this! You can do it!

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    • Thank you gorgeous. First of all – you are so WORTHY of love and a wonderful man. I wish I could help you find that feeling. I hope you find it growing with you as you grow. You so deserve it.

      Now THIS from you was pure gold:

      You need to take care of you – as the saying goes “you can’t pour from an empty vessel”, and if he isn’t helping to fill you up, then he is draining you – and that will take away from the care you can give the kids.

      All of this is so true but I hadn’t really been thinking of it that way – particularly the empty vessel and the draining. So so true! Thx hon. You know I’m always cheering you on too. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • we got this! no matter the ups and downs of life, we have each other – and this wonderful blog village has us both!! You got to do what is best for you and the kids – and he’ll still be a good dad, he’s proven that he can, even if y’all are separate. But, you gave it a shot and now you know. I actually feel better because you tried and gave it your all – and it really removed any questions that there might have been about whether or not the “traditional” family set up was for you and Eric.

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  11. It sounds like Eric is very unemotional and you need a partner who’s more emotional and loving. He’s not for you (and he’s a moron, you’re thin!). As long as you maintain a civil, respectful relationship, I think your kids will be fine.

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    • Kids are résiliant and you know I think most of us fuck our kids up in one way or another. I would just like for this to not be too damaging an experience for them 🙂

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  12. He sounds, and I mean this in a technical, diagnostic way (not a personal, derogatory way), like he has strong narcissistic traits. I tell you this because, for me, the more educated I am about things, the better I deal with things. Now, with only several paragraphs, it’s not really fair for me to think that I could possibly know anything, of course. With the love he shows toward his kids, I’d suspect not full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, just traits. In med school we learned that people with traits can function well in life; people with full on disorder will eventually burn all bridges, never rehabilitate, and devastate their lives. I like to think about it in the sense that we all have defense mechanisms, and the ones we rely on most develop our personalities and social interactions so much. Some are dependent personalities. Some are narcissistic. Some are anti-social. And so on. Perhaps his arsenal is composed of a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Well, I’m not in psych at all. I just enjoy the challenge of getting on with all kinds of people, so I read a lot to help me understand what makes them tick and what I can expect or try to help interact better. Personality disorders, I’ve learned I have to remove myself from as completely as I can. Personality traits, I can keep in communication with (but sometimes have to distance). 🙂

    Rooting for YOU!—-Terri

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  13. Nothing but love and hugs (virtual) and silent cheering from the sidelines for you. You are a warrior, my friend. Plain and simple. You deserve so much more – and I am so happy you see/know that. Always on your side and wishing you the best. xoxo

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  14. It sounds like you are absolutely making the right decision. Everyone deserves to feel love and a connection with their partner. I’m sorry that it means breaking up a family and I’m sure the next few months will be really difficult. Wishing you all the best going forward. Hoping you find the special someone one day who will join you in the random dance parties!

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