I have been saying for a long time that I would write about where things are at with me and Eric. I know I am not obliged to share any of the details at all but am happy to as it is part of how this story began – with our unusual relationship. I have mainly held back as things have felt really volatile so I didn’t really know where things were heading myself, although in my heart I think I really did know what was happening; I just had to accept it.
Anyway, here is the update on that.
We had that conversation yesterday. You know the one. The civil one that is the death knell to any relationship.
“It’s just not working, is it?” we almost whispered to each other.
This is the one that can’t be passed off as heat of the moment. The one that says we are reaching the end.
I thought I would feel a sense of relief once it was out there and we could move forward with how things might look for our little family once mummy and daddy move on to separate places and eventually separate people.
But I don’t.
I just feel sad. Not because I’m losing anything. I’m actually not. But I’m losing the hope that surrounded us.
So why leave, you ask. Well…there is no love. He does not turn to me for emotional fulfilment. His partner is not his best friend, or even one of his best friends. He doesn’t really want a companion. He seeks companionship and emotional fulfilment from friends and expects that I should do the same. I’m actually not sure why he wants a relationship at all to be honest because I’m not sure what he gets from it? Someone to do this housework and bonk him on the regular is all it seems.
It’s not got much to do with me. He has never had a relationship where his partner has been his true friend. He actually doesn’t understand what I am asking for. He thinks it’s weird. I wish I was joking.
Do you know we have never once told each other that we loved each other? I have pussyfooted around it at the birth of our children but he has stonewalled me both times.
I am an extremely emotional soul and I need to connect with my partner. It is important to me and pretty much the only thing I cannot compromise on. I can cope with the lack of domestic assistance and the regular need for boys nights and alone time. All that doesn’t bother me. But I do need to feel connected and loved.
Right now I feel so lonely. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see you is about the loneliest it gets. So I need to move away from that. It is making me depressed and resentful. Plus I am concerned that we are not modelling a healthy relationship for our children. After all, isn’t that why we are giving this a go in the first place? For the kids? So if this isn’t good for the kids then we need to fix it or not be in it.
Yesterday I came home and I danced with my babies. We have an almost daily dance-a-thon at our house, Eric never participates. He says he feels stupid. He is still that boy who was never cool and this feeling inside him won’t allow him to relax and let go and do the things that young Eric felt uncool and judged doing. He is still such a boy in those ways. So concerned with his coolness at 47 which if anything is actually uncool. So I danced with my babies and I thought to myself that I am going to find the guy who will dance in my dance-a-thon. That’s the guy who gets me. He will find me one day or I will find him and even if my babies are big by then it doesn’t matter, we will still dance.
My mum has always been a bit of a champion for me and Eric as she just wants the family to survive I guess but I rang her before we went away and asked her to please hear me. She has finally heard me now. I rang her the other day she said to me “You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and he doesn’t cherish you”.
I repeated this to Eric just to check as you shouldn’t ever make assumptions. He said “She is right, I don’t cherish you” and it didn’t even sting because I already knew.
So why do I sit here asking myself if I can accept the relationship model he is offering me? I know it will make me depressed so why am I even considering it? The only way I flourish is without him. I know this to be true.
He consistently tells me I don’t exercise enough, that I’m not tan enough, that I’m too many kilos overweight and reminds me on the regular that he once left a girlfriend for being too fat. All this sort of talk does is make me want to eat KFC. I do not need this in my life and I’m not ok with it. I’m glad I am strong and able to tell him where to go but it does wear me down.
Who wants to even be with that guy? That guy blows! I would tell any of my girlfriends to get the hell out of there and if I didn’t have the kids I would totally get the hell out of here but that’s not my life. I do have the kids and breaking up the family still feels so fucking sad.
I don’t see an alternative though. We need to go on and be the best people we can be as we aren’t being that together. That is the best example we can set for our children. And maybe Eric can meet someone and have his aha moment where his partner is actually his friend. I do feel sorry for him that he has never experienced that.
Anyway I feel like I should have finished this about 300 words ago as I’m rambling now. Feel free to throw me your thoughts.