Obsess. That’s the thing I wasn’t going to do.
I wasn’t going to obsess over when my new cycle might start as I knew it would be weird with the miscarriage last month. And I was just going to be a chilled out little monkey in a Just call me Yoda kind of way. But guess what? I’m actually not a Just call me Yoda kinda girl. I’d like to be. But I’m not. And I should know this by now.
It was the same when I had Monkey. I wanted to be all earth mother and go with the flow and just be one of those natural easy going mums but NEWSFLASH: I’m not a natural easy going person. I’m a little OCD, I like structure and rules and knowing what happens when and where. We struggled along for 6 months of go with the flow parenting that wasn’t actually flowing before I figured it out. The instant I started a routine it changed both our lives in the most amazing way. Monkey is my kid after all. He likes structure too.
Anyhoo, how does that relate to this month? Well I’ve been symptom spotting like crazy as I knew that ovulation had passed. And I even thought that I was seeing some signs (because my brain is desperate) and then yesterday I got up and went to the loo and boom – there was BLOOD; a good week before I expected anything too (even though I had no expectations remember because YODA). Weird. So weird. But it’s not enough blood to call the clinic and say “hey dude, I got my period, let’s start IVF”. It’s just spotting. I never even normally get spotting! Fucking body has gone a bit loopy.
So I got up this morning and still spotting. So my brain is currently doing this thing where one half says Your period is on its way, just wait. And the other half says Maybe it’s implantation bleeding. Huh? Huh? Maybe!
I’m inclined to think I’m about to get my period to be honest and that kinda excites me. I can cycle again and it will be sooner than anticipated. THIS I love the idea of. But at the same time I don’t want to get toooooo excited in case it doesn’t start this week.
You guys, infertility is such a head fuck. Tell me I’m not the only one doing the crazy head talk dance.