Things I have learnt from this miscarriage

While I have had what can only be described as a really shit week, there have been a few diamonds that have come out of the carnage.  Here is what I learnt this week and it’s all because I had the misfortune of experiencing a miscarriage.

  1. My friends up here are better than I think I realised. I told shit loads of people we were pregnant. I was convinced this “surprise’ was meant to be. So I had loads of people to untell (<— apparently not a word). What surprised me was the response that I got from a few of my girlfriends. A few of them actually cried when asking me how I was. Their eyes welled and I bawled and they went out in sympathy. We hugged. And I counted my blessing for having them in my life. This is a big thing for me as we only moved to the area 3.5 years ago and until a couple of months ago I had no family here at all. These girls rock.
  2. Some people will say shit things even when they mean well. I had one friend fuck it up. She is a social worker for god’s sake so you’d think she’d know better but she fouled it by suggesting that I was spending a lifetime chasing what I couldn’t have. *sigh* I know she loves me and means well so it was a lesson to me this one that awkward situations can make us say dumb thing even when we mean well.
  3. Telling people is better than not telling people. I hated having to untell everyone – that was certainly the shit part – but look at the gift it gave me. It showed me the friendships I have with some people. I also work for one of those girls and she gave me the day off on Wednesday in the end so I got to have the couch day and break I needed to grieve and feel shit. If she didn’t know my story she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to give me the time. I will definitely tell less people next time but I will still tell people.
  4. Donor eggs are now on the table. Yes, this is quite the big one! I had previously said I wouldn’t be up for this but this experience has changed my mind. This was like a pregnancy teaser and it made us both realise how much we want to expand our family. In those brief weeks that I actually felt my pregnancy I felt complete. I know without a shadow of a doubt now that I want to experience a pregnancy again and have another child so if my eggs are still dodgeville after this upcoming round of IVF then I told Eric I am happy to explore donor eggs. I think the reason I was hesitant previously is more to do with jealousy that the baby would be half him and not half me, but I’d still get to grow it. It would still become a human in my body and that is such a gift.
  5. I actually still feel like sex. Eric approached the subject with me delicately but I am keen as mustard which is surprising. Although I’ve warned him he better not get me pregnant this month (ha! oh the irony). We are just animals after all it seems.

So these are my diamonds. And every time I think of them they make me smile despite the loss.

I have a good feeling about this upcoming IVF round, we both do actually. When I told Eric the donor egg thing he said “That’s great but I feel strongly that we won’t need it”. I feel the same too. Priming has recommenced so that means next bleed will be stims. Given I miscarried I have no idea how long this cycle will be. I’m sure it will all be a bit weird with timing so I have no expectations this time. It will come when it comes.

Things have almost stopped as far as the bleeding goes at my end and I am starting to feel normal again. I have binged quite a bit on shit food this week so it is back to the healthy eating from Monday to get this body in prime condition for stims when they begin. Things are good. I am happy, well and hopeful for the future.

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47 thoughts on “Things I have learnt from this miscarriage

  1. Ouff, what a heavy post! I’m so happy to hear you sound so grounded after all that you’ve so recently gone through. 1) awesome that you have established such a great support system (I feel like I’ve lost a lot of mine through my IF struggles) 2) what a shitty thing to say, and it reminds me of when my acupuncturist asked whether I would be giving up if my 3rd ivf didn’t work. I was angry that anyone would imply that defeat was an option at all, especially considering that just as in your case all options were far from exercised. Grrr. 3) I totally agree. I know my family was worried with me throughout my 1st tri, but that if it hadn’t worked they’d be there for me. 4) what a breakthrough! I’m still on Eric’s team there, rooting for you and your own eggs, but that’s a pretty good option to get you exactly where you want to be. I’m loving how sweet and supportive Eric’s been in these more challenging times. You two have a great thing going, (though I don’t always understand it completely) ! 5) awesome diamond! I bet that’ll help a lot with the stress relief and mental well being – and exercise!! 🙂 those are some pretty great gems. Great post Em! I’m smiling all over for you. 🙂

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    • Awwww thx hon. Yeah Eric has been great. When he rocked up Friday he asked how I was in such a thoughtful way it surprised me. I’m not sure I understand what we have myself. Sometimes I wonder if it is the slowest developing love story in the history of time but I think it is something different altogether. I enjoy just letting it be and seeing what it becomes. My therapist once said it is how 2 commitment phobes commit lol

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  2. I loved reading this. It helps me so much emotionally to hear other’s process of healing and hope. I think it is a huge benefit of being in this community and I am so grateful you are willing to share with us. I am so with you on the donor eggs. I truly believe that it is about the family unit and moments created together-not specific embryonic genetics.

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  3. I have a good feeling that success is within your reach… you totally exude positive vibes over the internet despite the crapness of recent events. Best of luck for this upcoming cycle & yay to supportive friends. Happy that there has been some good to come out of it xx

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  4. Probably if I say one more time that I’ve been thinking of you and you’ve been on my mind, you’ll slap me. But you have been. So there.— I haven’t had the struggles you’ve had, but I can relate to the first three things you say so well, after my miscarriage about 7 years ago. —Hopefully you don’t have to go there, but isn’t strange what the brain starts wrapping its head around when faced with certain things? Like the donor eggs. I think I’d have the hesitation you describe for sure, and then what would it take for my brain to budge, to soften?—May your week have some shining moments this week.—Terri

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  5. Awwwww, I am so glad you were able to find all these good bits in such a crap storm. That’s awesome about the donor egg realization! It’s always good to have a backup plan, and then hopefully you won’t end up needing it. Also wonderful about your support system. That is so important.

    I’m keeping all of those prayers to the universe going. Good things are happening for us, very soon.

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  6. Aw Em, I’m still so sorry you have to go through this but it is so nice that you can see some positive aspects around it… I love the friend part- it is so nice to be reminded that people that don’t have to care, do care. (As in, people that aren’t immediately affected or family)… It’s like a little reminder that this is a big deal and it’s not just us . Eep to the social worker friend, if someone said that to me I’d be a bit off it, haha… You’re chasing a dream and persistence is key.

    I hope you don’t need the DE but it is awesome that it is not a possibility. I think me opening up my eyes and thinking that surrogacy or adoption might be the only way for us was a pretty freeing experience. It helps me feel not so stuck in a vicious circle of thinking we will never have kids, but it doesn’t stop me from trying the normal ivf still until I’m 100% sure. So I think it might just be a really freeing thought, even if it doesn’t come down to that. I get the whole thing about it being half Eric but you are the mama, and that’s the most important thing. M has an adopted brother from the Philippines who was adopted at around 5 years old, and at his wedding early this year he had so much dedication to their late father in the way of candles, speeches, photos and it really reaffirmed to me how important family and love is, rather than blood and DNA. The way he spoke about him was with such admiration and love it was so lovely to hear & made me so much more sure that blood isn’t everything. It’s heart.
    I am with Eric though with thinking you won’t need it. A spontaneous pregnancy (although with a very sad and unfortunate ending) says something to me. It’s not the end.
    Hope you are looking after yourself and getting plenty of rest! It’s good to see a post from you xx

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    • You are so right. Opening up the options is freeing and provides some level of comfort. That story about M’s brother is beautiful. Fills my heart with happiness and joy. Thx for sharing and I hope you are doing well too. Xx

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  7. So glad to hear you got lots of support, you deserve it. I guess it’s different for everyone but there’s a lot to be said for being open about miscarriages. I hope your cycle sorts itself out soon so you can get going with IVF, I’ll be crossing my fingers for you xx

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    • Thx lovely. And yes of course the journey and experience is different for everyone with being open about early pregnancy. I am really glad I was but prob wouldn’t go quite so far afield next time. X

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  8. Wow. Big things. And it’s wonderful – really wonderful, that friends have been so supportive. I wish I’d been braver about talking to people (or maybe just had better people around to tell). Just FFS on the ‘chasing what you can’t have comment’. That’s exactly the kind of thing that I loathed when we were trying. I bet you felt like punching her in the face! Well, I do, on your behalf. Silly woman! And great news about the sex – a friend of mine’s husband went completely the other way after they had two losses in a row. It affects us all in different ways. I’m so glad you’re processing and moving on, and actually I think considering donor eggs is a very brave and exciting step, given everything you’ve been through. Big hugs and I hope all is well with everything else xxxxx

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    • Oh my I totally wanted to punch that social worker friend in the face. I just chose not to respond and left it at that but if she raises it with me in person then I will not be held responsible for what I might say! Ha!

      Yeah I can imagine the losses could really destroy the sex life for some. I was pretty surprised I was so ok with it. And yes I am excited to let in thoughts about donor eggs. It makes me feel like there are options. That a failed IVF attempt this round doesn’t have to mean the end of the road. It actually removes pressure from this round too which is a relief. We can go into without thinking THIS HAS TO WORK AS IT IS OUR LAST CHANCE. This has got to be helpful for the stress levels!!! xx

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      • Definitely – last chance scenarios are just so fraught with anxiety. Then it’s like a vicious circle that you can’t relax because it’s the last chance. And I’m sure I tried to comvince myself it was our last try about half a dozen times, which was a waste of emotional energy. Oh man, it’s all so exhausting. I just want this to happen for you so much. Then you can smugly think that the social worker can shove her stupid comment where the sun doesn’t shine, ha! Donor egg IS exciting. Hell, anything that gives you options is exciting – you want this and you WILL get it. Xxxxx

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  9. I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to go through this, but at least you did learn some good things in the process. I agree with your feeling of telling people to have the support, even if you do have to untell them at some point. Thinking of you lots my friend. *hugs*

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