While I have had what can only be described as a really shit week, there have been a few diamonds that have come out of the carnage. Here is what I learnt this week and it’s all because I had the misfortune of experiencing a miscarriage.
- My friends up here are better than I think I realised. I told shit loads of people we were pregnant. I was convinced this “surprise’ was meant to be. So I had loads of people to untell (<— apparently not a word). What surprised me was the response that I got from a few of my girlfriends. A few of them actually cried when asking me how I was. Their eyes welled and I bawled and they went out in sympathy. We hugged. And I counted my blessing for having them in my life. This is a big thing for me as we only moved to the area 3.5 years ago and until a couple of months ago I had no family here at all. These girls rock.
- Some people will say shit things even when they mean well. I had one friend fuck it up. She is a social worker for god’s sake so you’d think she’d know better but she fouled it by suggesting that I was spending a lifetime chasing what I couldn’t have. *sigh* I know she loves me and means well so it was a lesson to me this one that awkward situations can make us say dumb thing even when we mean well.
- Telling people is better than not telling people. I hated having to untell everyone – that was certainly the shit part – but look at the gift it gave me. It showed me the friendships I have with some people. I also work for one of those girls and she gave me the day off on Wednesday in the end so I got to have the couch day and break I needed to grieve and feel shit. If she didn’t know my story she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to give me the time. I will definitely tell less people next time but I will still tell people.
- Donor eggs are now on the table. Yes, this is quite the big one! I had previously said I wouldn’t be up for this but this experience has changed my mind. This was like a pregnancy teaser and it made us both realise how much we want to expand our family. In those brief weeks that I actually felt my pregnancy I felt complete. I know without a shadow of a doubt now that I want to experience a pregnancy again and have another child so if my eggs are still dodgeville after this upcoming round of IVF then I told Eric I am happy to explore donor eggs. I think the reason I was hesitant previously is more to do with jealousy that the baby would be half him and not half me, but I’d still get to grow it. It would still become a human in my body and that is such a gift.
- I actually still feel like sex. Eric approached the subject with me delicately but I am keen as mustard which is surprising. Although I’ve warned him he better not get me pregnant this month (ha! oh the irony). We are just animals after all it seems.
So these are my diamonds. And every time I think of them they make me smile despite the loss.
I have a good feeling about this upcoming IVF round, we both do actually. When I told Eric the donor egg thing he said “That’s great but I feel strongly that we won’t need it”. I feel the same too. Priming has recommenced so that means next bleed will be stims. Given I miscarried I have no idea how long this cycle will be. I’m sure it will all be a bit weird with timing so I have no expectations this time. It will come when it comes.
Things have almost stopped as far as the bleeding goes at my end and I am starting to feel normal again. I have binged quite a bit on shit food this week so it is back to the healthy eating from Monday to get this body in prime condition for stims when they begin. Things are good. I am happy, well and hopeful for the future.