Well that didn’t take long

So here’s the scoop peeps…

I want another baby. 

Isn’t that just flipping out of this world crazy? And I don’t mean I want to trade in the Hollster and get another one. I mean I want an additional one. As in a THIRD child.

What the actual fuck? 

I don’t even understand it to be honest. One minute I’m moaning about the pain in my vagina and declaring no human will ever exit my loins ever again and the next I feel deep in my bones that I want to have one more baby at some point. I just feel like there is another soul out there for us, apparently.

This baby, you know the one I had only 8 weeks ago, is actually doing really great at the moment so I think that is part of it. After my last post she kind of self corrected those night sleeps so I think it must have been the 6 week growth spurt. And bless her heart she is getting better and better at being put down and sleeping on her own. She still catnaps in the day the little upstart but I really feel like things are improving. And even without all the sleeps I would like she is sooooooo happy. I think that’s what is going on. She is melting my heart with her happiness and giggles. I mean, seriously, CHECK HER OUT:

So at 8 weeks young we are pretty much on 4 feeds a day (3-4 hourly feed cycle)  and 2 overnight (1130ish and 330ish). She is a pretty efficient little feeder so her feeds don’t last all that long so it doesn’t seem too taxing at all. 

Of course it is not always like this. We have only been on this cycle this past almost week which is ages in baby land but not really that longand sometimes I do top her feeds up during the day. I just follow her cues and do what I think she needs. Sometimes I fuck it up, sometimes I get it right and the longer we go on our little journey together the better I feel I am getting at reading her. Now I have said that though she will go down a totally different path just to screw with me as that’s what babies seem to do!

Anyway I am not planning on doing the baby thing in the immediate future. In fact I am turning Eric down more often than not as I am scared of some weird voodoo where all of a sudden I fall pregnant at the drop of a hat (and before even getting my period back because IT HAPPENS people) despite it taking us all most 3 years to get BeeGee (Holly’s new blog name from this point btw). 

I have no intention of going down the full on secondary infertility path again. When the time comes we will go back and have the endo operation again to clear me out but that is all we will do. No more IVF. Just go old fashioned sex. I will most certainly be 40 or even 41 at that point so things just may not happen based on age alone and I’m ok with that. But we will have a little crack at it nonetheless. 
Well maybe. I’m hating on Eric a bit at the moment so I may have chucked his entire worldly possessions on the lawn by then and told him to get lost. Might be a bit hard to have the third baby without him as buggered if I’m starting over all that biz with someone new. Far too complicated. 

Meanwhile I am going to try and find me some reasonable birth control that doesn’t make me craaaaaay-zeeeee. Can’t believe after all we have been through I am thinking about freaking birth control. Just seems wrong. But I’m not sure my mental health would survive a baby in 9 months time. TOO SOON. 

So there you have it, the baby scoop. 

It is official: I am a flipping nutter. 


“Sleep when the baby sleeps”, they said

THEY. Bunch of freaking know it alls if you ask me. 

My baby catnaps for 20 mins only. Sometimes she will resettle to make the full 40 min sleep cycle but that’s usually about it, regardless of whether I wear her or drive her or hold her. Holding her has the most success though. Sometimes she will then allow herself to cross into another cycle. And I mean maybe once every three days when I need to go to the bathroom and it is either put her down and have her wake or hold her and maybe pee my pants a little as my pelvic floor has not yet recovered enough to allow an ongoing busting situation. 

So there’s not much baby sleeping time for me to sleep.

At night we don’t do that much better but it is better so feel I should be grateful. We were getting a 2.5-3 hour cycle overnight (so that is from the beginning of one feed until the start of the next one – it is not all sleeping time) and I could deal with that. The last two nights we have regressed to a 2 hourly cycle and it is killing me. I am hoping it is just a growth spurt and it doesn’t become a habit. PLEASE GOD. 

Sometimes she wakes after only 1.5 hours. When that happened last night I did manage to resettle her but had to have her next to me in bed so I could hold her dummy in forever. Co-sleeping doesn’t seem to make a lick of difference unless she is actually ON me and well, that isn’t good for MY sleep. 

This morning I tried swaddling her again (she hates it) and still only a 20 min nap except this time we started it with a few minute scream-a-thon in protest of the swaddle. I am now holding her and sitting in the rocking chair to extend the nap. Ugh. She is actually pretty happy during the day despite all this but if she doesn’t get enough day sleep it is a witching hour scream-a-thon and that sucks. Plus sleep is supposed to be restorative and I feel like she isn’t getting enough of the good juice for her brain. I want her to have a healthy brain! Just one good sleep a day would be so good. I can handle cat naps after that. And decent night sleeps of course. 

So at 6 weeks in I am feeling so weary. I am starting to say things like “I want to give up breastfeeding” which I won’t do but damn, I find it tough to be the only one that can soothe her or sort her out with what she needs when she seems to need it so frequently. And she seems to have gone off Eric for now so it really is only me who can hold her/feed her/soothe her at this point.

My last one was a tricky sleeper. I thought I was supposed to get a cruisy version this time???? Lies. It’s all lies. I feel so guilty too as to spend time with the baby trying to get her to sleep more I am spending less time with my big boy who is missing me and needs me. 

 I don’t think I would ever get a cruisy baby. Both my babies have been the reflux/colic types and I think a lot of it has been down to the dairy thing. I’ve cut it out now and she is a lot more settled for it – doesn’t grunt and groan as much when trying to sleep – so we will keep on with that. But with two parents who are dairy intolerant there is now way I am going to get a baby who isn’t bothered by it and when they are bothered by it you get bad sleeping/reflux/colic. I think that’s why the idea of a third is so stressful for me. It is truly a season of tough sleeplessness. 

All this is impacted by the fact that I am still trying to work from home a little. There really isn’t that much to do but when it is stop/start/stop/start it gets hard to get it done. If she’d just have ONE 1.5/2hr sleep per day I could squish it in probably no more than one, maybe sometimes two days per week in the sleep time. But nooooooooo. 

Anyway I’m an old pro at this baby thing as I’ve been there before so I know that things change all the time. It may get inexplicably better soon and it may get inexplicably worse. We just have to ride it out. Eventually you get through to the other side. But today I just felt like having a vent.

My new favourite saying is For Fucks Sake and I seem to be using it a lot as sleep deprivation makes me clumsy. Have you noticed that? When you are tired everything seems a zillion times more difficult and life in general just seems so easy to fuck up. 

So here’s my vent.

Tricky sleepers suck! And I just pulled a hair out of my boob. For fucks sake. 

Warning: this post is a bit braggy

So after my shower today I decided to jump on the scales to see where it is all at and you guys, I’m only 3kgs off my pre-pregnancy weight at 12 days post partum! How good is that? As I’m breastfeeding I haven’t focused on weight loss at all, just trying to eat regular healthy meals. So this was a pleasant surprise.

Of course, my pre-pregnancy weight (64kgs) was 6 kgs above my usual weight so I actually have more than 3kgs to lose but still, small steps. Pre-pregnancy weight is the first one and I am almost there and so pleased!

Don’t worry, I’m not smashing it out of the park with everything. My house is piling up around me like nobody’s business. Last night Monkey wet the bed and because there are already three of us in our bed with the baby waking for regular feeds I had to set him up on the floor next to me on a mattress and in a sleeping bag. 

While I’m having a bitch let me tell you about my mother in law this morning. She sent me a third email (from Europe where she is at the moment) asking me to please send her photographs as she can’t share my Facebook ones with all her friends because of my privacy settings and Eric’s dad doesn’t do Facebook (she put that bit in bold and underline – I kid you not) so he can’t see them either. When she sent the second email last week I moaned to my mum about it and so she sent her some photos from her phone. Well MIL says to me in this email today that my mum kindly sent some from her iPhone but they aren’t very good quality so would I please send more. 

I was furious. Why is it my problem if her friends can’t see my Facebook photos or her ex husband doesn’t have Facebook? I wrote back and told her pretty much that and that my priority right now isn’t to sort them all out with pictures while I’m trying to adjust to life with 2 children, one of which feeds 24/7 and has been sick. If she wants to hassle someone about it again, as yes I’d received all 3 of her emails, then she could get onto her son about it and not me. And perhaps if they’d like to see more of their granddaughter they could work on being in the country. I read it to Eric first to get permission to send it and he green lighted it so off it went. FAR OUT that woman sends me spare.

So yes poor little Holly wound up sick and in hospital. It was the most terrifying moment of my life to date rocking up there with a baby who won’t stop sleeping or wake for feeds. I actually held her and sobbed that day and begged her not to leave me. It felt like just when she was here safe and well something awful was going to happen and she’d be taken away. These are the scars of infertility, my friends. They never leave you. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as all that even though I was clearly hysterical. She caught her big brother’s virus poor little chicken. We spent 2 nights in and she was very brave but is doing so well now. The downside is that my supply went down as she wasn’t feeding much so we had to spend all day yesterday with her attached to my breast building it back up again but you know what, today is a better day. 

I managed to bath her, have a shower myself, give us all breakfast, put some crap away, tell off my MIL, visits the OB and I’m about to hit the grocery store. Not bad at all. Progress is what is is. 

Here’s brave little poppet on the mend in hospital with that nasty cannula in her hand (had to leave the room sobbing when they put that in). 

And I guess the whole post wasn’t braggy, just that beginning bit. I still have a flabby round tummy by the way. It isn’t perfect over her AT ALL. 

Setting boundaries for new baby time

Ahhhhhh this shit has started already. I really hate that I have to do this but one of the things I promised myself after Monkey’s whole newborn phase was that I wouldn’t put myself in situations that were uncomfortable or stressful when doing it again if I could avoid it.

When Monkey was a newborn we had Eric’s mum and her husband come stay with us for at least a week, maybe 10 days. It felt like fucking forever. I had only just come home from hospital when they arrived and was fumbling my way around new motherhood and here were these people that I really hardly knew, guests in my home. They didn’t expect to be waited on which was good but it was impossible not to feel their presence in our 2 bedroom apartment and to me, they felt like guests, not family, so I had to be “on” all the time. I also felt like I had to hide in my room to breastfeed which is essentially constantly with a newborn and it just sucked. Continue reading