Why I will never close this blog and making my grass greener

happy

I know I don’t write here anymore folks and, well, it is what it is. Two kids (one that doesn’t sleep well) leaves me spinning most days. I hardly get any me time and when I do I’m just not pumped to write.

My brain writes posts all the time. But then the act of sitting down to type them up is more than I can bear. I’ve been through writing slumps like this before. And maybe I will come back to it but for right now, I’m just taking it one day at a time.

One thing I have feeling the urge to do lately is to start tending to my own metaphorical garden. I feel like my grass is lacking all the things it needs to be the green of lovely tended lawns. Right now, my grass looks like it has been through a long hot summer with little to no rain. It is limp and brown and dry but with patches of green as I get a bit of self care in here and there. Continue reading

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Some days.

Some days I’m a super mum. 

But not today.

Some days I bounce out of bed and feed two children and myself, dress us all, wash the dishes and bounce out of the house by 9am and I don’t feel stressed at all. 

But not today. Or yesterday for that matter. 

Today we got up at 6am and I was struggling to get us out of the house by 1130. 1130! What the fuck was I doing? Not the dishes. I tried three times to do those and still there are some that I didn’t get to.

Not the Christmas wrapping or packing for our trip on Thursday.

Not any housework…although I did get the clothes hung out and now realise at almost 730pm I didn’t manage to bring them in. Better get on that. 

I had plans for today but I didn’t get most of that done either. Turns out today had plans for me. 

I had a coffee at 5pm to get a boost to see me through the evening. Didn’t work. Yesterday I made time for a 20 min meditation instead (yes I know! 20 mins!) and I felt so much better for it. Need to make that part of every day. But it wasn’t a part of today.

I love my kids but…no not BUT. I love my kids. That is a statement that should stand in its own. I love them and their itty bitty smiley whiny faces. 

The truth is though that some days it is more relentless than I can handle. I am so tired of not being able to achieve anything. I feel like that little mouse spinning on its wheel. Spin spin spin. All that effort and going fucking nowhere.

Maybe tomorrow will be better but I’m not holding my breathe. Tomorrow I WILL meditate. Give the day a freaking chance at least.

Today, however, today I drink wine. And put my feet up. And forget the shit that surrounds me and do what I can do while repeatedly settling my non sleeper of a baby. 

I’d forgotten how relentless parenting littlies is. BeeGee is on the move now. That little punk started commando crawling at 5.5 months!! Most babies sit first and then crawl. My babies give the middle finger to what most babies do and jam to the beat of their own drum which usually I love. Just not today.

Lucky they are delicious and cute and I know it gets easier or I might just gouge my eyes out with a fork. 

Young baby time is such a survival time of life. Some mums have it all together but I’m just not one of those mums it turns out. Oh well. My kids don’t know the difference. I complained I looked haggered and tired in a photo recently and Monkey said “I don’t see that, Mum. I think you look beautiful.”

And even on my worst days, like today, that’s what they see. Beautiful gorgeous mum. Their everything. 

They wear me down to the bone and bring me joy all in the same moment some times. Especially today.