Well holy moly it has been an exhausting couple of days. We had to drive 6+ hours each way to the wedding (so that was 6+ on Sat, wedding which involved a 1 hour drive each way to the ceremony location, late night and 6+ hour drive home) and my morning sickness decided to really step on out and let me know that I am actually not done with it at all. I didn’t set myself up well for snacks for the drive either which was a big mistake. I think I underestimated how much I actually graze during the day to keep the sickly feeling at bay. So sorry it has taken me until now to update you on our big news. I envisioned typing this post on my phone in the car but I couldn’t really bare to look at the screen AT ALL.
The whole gender reveal moment turned out really perfectly. Once Eric finished work on Friday evening he came to the big house (we were staying at his big house near the beach that he had built a year or so ago, it is usually leased but vacant for last week so we decided to stay there for fun, it is beautiful) and I woke up when he came to bed. It was a lovely night – really warm – so I had the door open to the balcony off the main bedroom. There had been a big storm so we could see the lightening over the ocean and hear the waves crashing down. Monkey was asleep in bed with me and it is a big king sized bed so we decided to let him sleep between us. We huddled up together over our beautiful son and opened the email from the clinic to discover…
WE ARE HAVING A GIRL!!!!!
I cannot even begin to tell you how surprised we both were. The news made us very emotional and we both shed a tear. Part of it was happiness. I have always wanted a little girl but have never allowed myself to have that feeling as I felt certain I would be the mum of boys. So there was some pure joy in that emotion. And I felt really warm and fuzzy about Eric getting to have a Daddy’s girl as I know he will be such a great father to a girl. I have a terrible father and the fact that I know my daughter won’t have to have that experience really overwhelms me emotionally.
But there was also a bit of sadness in the emotion as well as we grieved the story we had in our heads for our son. We had this grand vision of Monkey having this great brother relationship and because of that story I probably wanted a boy more than I did a girl. Not to an extreme degree – I’m not devastated about this at all – but just a small amount. So we both spent the weekend grieving the loss of that story in our minds which sounds stupid, I know. There are so many people on this blog who are yet to even have their first baby so this sort of strange response to gender must seem ludicrous. Not to mention the fact that we have tried for so long for this baby. Honestly any gender is fine with us, we just want a healthy baby. Yet we have still have this ludicrous response. I know I have thought it ludicrous when I have seen it in the past so I am really surprised to be experiencing it for myself. The mind is a funny thing.
It doesn’t help that I saw my mum at the wedding on the weekend and I was annoyed by her more than I adored her which is this ongoing thing I seem to have with her these days. I’m not really sure why it is such a thing for me as really, my mum is pretty great. She is supportive and loving and she did a freaking awesome job of raising us three kids pretty much on her own. We are all well spoken, educated and successful adults and all the kudos goes to her. So why do I struggle with my relationship with her? I have no idea. I remember when I became disjointed from her and that was when I fell pregnant with Monkey and I ran up to tell her (it was Christmas time and I was visiting with them) and the first thing she said to me was “Oh don’t get too excited, it’s very early”. And all I could think was what a fucking killjoy. And then later that day as I was pigging out on apricots – APRICOTS not lollies – she said “Be care how much you eat. You will end up like the side of a house if you aren’t careful. You still need to lose those kgs after the baby comes.” WTF? They were APRICOTS.
Anyway this stuff isn’t a big deal, right? I mean it is annoying and yeah I could be annoyed with her but why am I hanging onto it almost 5 years later and letting it affect my relationship with my mum? So you can see how I might transfer all this crap about my relationship with my mum to fears over what my relationship will be like with my daughter. Hence the weird response to those test results. I think I need some therapy over all this. I need to get this shit sorted out so I can feel close with my mum again and so I can make the most of my relationship with my daughter.
I have a good friend locally who said she was really taken aback when her second was a girl (after having a boy first) for similar reasons so I’m glad I’m not alone. And she said her hubby was quite weird about it it too for while (he totally idolises his daughter now) so I’m kinda glad that we are finding out now and processing these weird emotions so we can get on with being excited about our baby girl and itching for the arrival of all things girly into our life.
SO sorry for the long post to essentially say we are having a girl. Clearly I have a lot going on in my mind about all this. But it’s cool. I’m starting to think of all things pink and aqua and how I might make her little life beautiful.
Here’s a cute pic from the wedding. Check out that bump already! Freaking massive. Maybe I’m having an elephant?
Oh and now Eric definitely wants three kids so one of them can have a same sex sibling. Ha! I am not committing to that right now. Given I’ve still got the vom on the idea of feeling like this again is not an amazing one. But who knows. We shall see. Maybe?