Beta only 18

So I guess the lighter test did mean something after all.

My beta is low and likely too low to indicate a pregnancy that will sustain itself at this late stage.

I am having a second blood test on Thursday morning to confirm all this.

The thing that bothers me most about this outcome is it is the same problem I have been having all along – dodgy fertilisation resulting in abnormal embryos – which means that that endo removal might not have done the trick after all.

I can start my stims as soon as my bleed starts and my HCG is zero so I can still head straight into next cycle. However I’m not feeling as hopeful about this cycle now. I mean, this fertilisation issue still seems to be in play.

Anyway, I guess my intuition let me down this time. Boo.

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53 thoughts on “Beta only 18

  1. Fuck! Sorry. I am so friggen over this. I was hoping so hard all morning that this would be all good and well for you & that finally there was some good news coming. I’m glad that you can start your cycle soon as well, at least that will give you a little something to look forward to. My heart is so broken for you guys, I know you’ll get there. I’m here if you need anything although I know that nothing can really help this shitty, shiiiiiitty situation. 😦 xx

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    • Honestly I kinda feel like why bother with another cycle but we’ll do it. I’m just pissed off right now. One day at a time I guess. Wait and see what the next few days bring. You never know….maybe I will get a surprise. I want to believe but *sigh* experience sends me some place else.

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      • I get that feeling. It’s such a struggle to keep trying and getting the same result but you’ve been so good to your body recently and you need to see how that goes. I really struggle to believe you won’t find one beautiful embryo in the next bunch. To have hope is so important and if you can’t muster up that right now (understandable) I’ll do that for you. So much hope x

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  2. I am at a loss right now. I am so sorry that your number isn’t higher and that the signs are not good. I’m just so sorry you have to deal with this and now additional worries about fertilization issues. Sending you love and keeping you in my thoughts.

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  3. Oh hell no! F*ck this! Are you kidding me? $&$;:/;&&;/)/$&&! That’s what I have to say about that. I’m so, so sorry.

    But listen, try not to let this effect your next ivf cycle. I know this is, like, impossibly hard. But I think this pregnancy and the ivf are two separate things. And even though this pregnancy may be an indicator that you still struggle with egg quality, I STILL think it’s a good sign. Like for years you weren’t even getting pregnant. Now at least you got pregnant! So to me that says that things are improving. Plus, this pregnancy was just one egg and now you are about to make like 20. Your body wants to be pregnant, that is what this pregnancy is telling me. Like eveclo says, I will hold the hope for you right now if you can’t. Sending huge hugs and so much love your way. I’m sorry you have to deal with this yet again. Such bullshit.

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    • It is such fucked up bullshit. I am so mad right now! And then sad. I just went and checked the number for my last chemical and it was 21 – higher! And I had a much lighter line. I don’t fucking get it. I was just saying to Eric that at least now I will go into our cycle with very low expectations. Hard to end up too disappointed that way… *sigh* Thx for the love and the hope and the support. I am so sad but so grateful xxxx

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  4. This sucks, I’m so sorry.

    Your next IVF cycle will be different and hopefully give you that little extra hand to get you there and keep you there, you’ve worked so hard to get here you mustn’t give up hope on this cycle…but I know it must be so hard to stay positive about it right now. Big hugs 😦

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    • Thank you so much. And you are right, I mustn’t give up on the cycle. Just need to reign the expectations in a bit as all. I will tred cautiously through the whole process now I think. Thank you for your lovely words 🙂

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  5. Oh how badly this sucks!!! I am still hopeful for your upcoming IVF with the new doctor. Clearing out endo has to help things, and you’ll have so many more chances in one month with IVF vs. a natural cycle. Hoping and praying for a quick start to this next, successful IVF cycle!!!

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  6. Oh for f*cks sake! Now I’m doubly annoyed – not just for what you’re having to put up with, but I just wrote a massive comment and our internet keeps hanging so it just disappeared. Jeez. I’m so so sorry Em – this just sucks. I can’t even imagine how angry and upset you must be. I am speechless actually. Know that I am thinking of you and wishing that you didn’t have to write this post 😦 xxxxxx

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    • Oh no that sucks about your disappearing comment. I hate when that happens!!!! And yes, for f*cks sake pretty much describes what is going on in my head right now! I know you understand how this repeated disappointment feels. It makes me feel scared that I haven’t found the THING that is the problem. Or maybe the problem is just me? And my eggs have deteriorated to the point of no return? Who knows. Thanks for the thoughts lovely xxx

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      • No no – I think you have looked at EVERYTHING. But the odds are still against us as we’re older – naturally and no matter how well we live. The thing is we can’t determine when something has a cause (vit deficiency, stress, sub-optimal diet, endo, other issues), and when we just happen to get a bum egg (which could happen to anyone). You are going to get there – I just know it. It will happen xxxxx

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        • Thanks lovely. When I look at your story I do feel hope I must admit. I just have to try hard to hang in there. I wanted to throw in the towel on Tuesday to be honest. Ugh. But feeling a bit better today.

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  7. F’ing A. So mad and disappointed for you. Man is this IF stuff HARD and really relentless. But– it really does just take one good egg. Your stamina will be tested but you WILL find it. And when you do this will all be over and even if you can’t see it now– it will all be worth it. Xo

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    • Thanks lovely. Yes, it is so hard and relentless. I am worried I have used my supply of good eggs :-/ Ugh. You are right though. If I find that one egg then the result will be so worth it. I just have to hang in there. Thanks x

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  8. Oh no…I’m so sorry!! I had such a good feeling about this for you, too. Try not to let it get you completely down on your next cycle though. It’s a whole new chance with different circumstances. You’ve been working so hard to get your health at top notch for this, that has to make a difference. I wish it had been better news, but I will not lose hope in you and your dreams!! Hang in there friend, it completely sucks right now but I feel like things will turn around for you very soon! *hugs*

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  9. Shit.
    I don’t ever have words. I’m so sorry, like so very sorry. Maybe this will give the Dr some more clues or confirmation of other factors. I hope anyways. I can definitely get your frustration with going into another cycle, where are the answers?
    Im so sorry.

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  10. Dammit! All the fucks! I can’t believe it, I am so sorry Em!! This is some serious BS.
    About the endo, I feel like either way it was good to have the surgery because you needed to have it removed and it can only help with a pregnancy right?
    As for everything else I was really hoping this was it for you, I had a good feeling and everything. Fuck!
    If we lived closer I would be declaring a girls night with lots of movies, popcorn and chocolate!

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  11. Oh Ems. I’ve just read your last 3 posts and have gone from YESSSSS! to EEEEEK to NOOOO! God this motherfucking TTC malarkey is so full on.
    Don’t lose hope.
    x

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    • Thanks lovely. You hit the nail on the head there. It really is so full on. Hope is slowly being restored after being hit by the freight train on Tuesday! Thanks for the comment x

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