So there I was a week ago, tripping through the daisy’s feeling like life had never been better – well not in the last 6 months anyway. I was feeling SO great, AMAZINGLY great. I had my zest for life back (thanks bush essences) and was eating super healthily. I had reduced the toxins in my life and was hitting the gym regularly and seeing results. It was gooooood. Life was good.
What is it about feeling that way that is like a beacon to the universe to slap you down BITCH so it hurts? As that’s what the last week has been like. I have been slapped down and it freaking hurts.
I wound up with a massive throat infection like I have never had before. I went straight to the Dr hoping for some antibiotics or something to ward off the symptoms – dudes I was in PAIN – but it was viral so they wouldn’t give me anything. “Gargle with dissolvable aspirin + rest”. Have a nice fucking day, thank you.
It wouldn’t be quite so bad except this all happened 1 week out from our Canada trip and man I have had SO MUCH to do except IMPOSSIBLE. I have been in so much pain that I’m scared to swallow as it brings tears to my eyes. Does anyone know how much you swallow every day? Not just when you are eating. Give. Me. Strength. Here’s the week:
WEDNESDAY – start to feel woozy. The afternoon is spent napping on the couch while Monkey is at daycare – unproductive but hopefully I feel better tomorrow.
THURSDAY – KILL. ME. NOW. – feels like I am swallowing razor blades and nothing provides relief. Oh how my body aches. I actually had to work for 3 hours this morning.
Slept the rest of the day on the couch after a not at all helpful visit to the Dr. Regime is gargle 2 dissolvable aspirin 4 hourly, take a strepsil lozenge after to help soothing set in, 2 hours later drink a panadol infused lemsip (painful and tastes like shit – throat CANNOT tolerate sugar – but keep doing it for the panadol). So basically I am rotating panadol and aspirin 2 hourly. I even wake in the middle of the night to keep doing it.
FRIDAY – KILL. ME. NOW. – oh but can’t die as must parent. ALL. DAY. Medication regime continues.
SATURDAY – KILL. ME. NOW. Medication regime continues despite the fact that it barely provides any relief. Introduce Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) gargle and also a tea. This is the first thing to provide a moment of relief since this whole shit fest started. ACV all the way! I am now a massive convert. Monkey goes with Eric from 3pm. I collapse on the lounge and do not move.
SUNDAY – Sleep until 9:30am. Go for a walk in the sun. Sleep some more. Ask Eric to keep Monkey overnight again and keep sleeping.
Have ditched the lemsip from the regime and am now on 2 aspirin every 4 hours and then ACV gargles in between. I have relief but only slightly – I can make 4 hours at least. I am convinced a day of sleep and ACV has been what has pushed me over the line out of this living hell. And it was hell. I was supposed to shop for my bridesmaid dress today but it is still not done. I wonder how we will ever get out of the country at this rate.
MONDAY – FULL MOON just for a bit of lunacy. Despite the fact that I still feel like shit I don’t feel like I want to die so that is an improvement in itself. Need to spend the day shopping for a bridesmaid dress. Not as easy as it sounds.
I can get lavender, green or grey. Sounds easy but the fashion right now is PRINTS. PRINTS. PRINTS. so it was super tricky. This is what I got.
Had a bit of a fight with Eric which resulted in me crying ALL. THE. WAY. to the shops. It was like someone turned on a faucet inside me and I could not turn it off. I felt like I was crying for everything. For all those babies we couldn’t have, for all those failed IVF cycles. EVERYTHING. By the time I got to the shops I was an estuary. You could have floated a vessel in my collar bones. And I know you think I’m kidding but seriously, it was that bad. Thanks full moon.
TUESDAY – almost human but still need pain relief. I am stretching it out to 6 hourly in the hope I can ward off a potential ulcer from all the anti inflammatories. I wake up in a good mood and decide to make the most of getting things done. Monkey’s Granny is coming up to take him out for the day. I am meeting then for lunch but the rest of the day is to be spent organising the house for the trip and packing.
And then I look at my email and see that the fuckers at Bitdefender have automatically “renewed” my subscription even though I never used their product as it crashed my system entirely when I tried to install it (all recorded with them). ANYWAY I lose it. AGAIN. Twice in two days. I call Eric and cry rivers of tears.
Eric: This is an inappropriate response to $95. They will refund it.
And he is right. But I am pooooor, so poor at the moment. I HATE that I have to turn around and ask him for money all the time. Before I had Monkey I was a professional. I was on a 6 figure salary and I didn’t have to struggle for money. Now I’ve pumped most of what I had into the house and I’m hardly working as INFERTILE so an unexpected $95 charge right before a holiday feels bloody devestating. And aside from that, I just feel like I have been crying for the loss. It feels like such a sad cry. I didn’t cry through the cycles either, even when I have been depressed I have been quite pragmatic. I think I truly just needed the emotional release.
So here we are. Now it is Wednesday again. The universe has bitch slapped me around for feeling happy but it’s ok as I’m back on my feet again. We have passports, we have bags, we have Eric’s credit cards. The rest will work itself out. Silver linings from all this? Well actually there are some:
- Monkey didn’t get it! I can’t tell you how relieved I am about this. Every day it has been “do you have a sore throat????”. It was so painful I was terrified he would get it. PHEW.
- NO ANXIETY – there is nothing like pain to make you be in the present moment and when you are in the present moment your mind doesn’t have the chance to wander off and think stupid things that make you anxious. Now that I’m feeling better my anxiety symptoms have returned. Quite fascinating actually.
- I had a good cry. I needed that release. So even though it was inconvenient and I looked bloody awful I’m going to chalk that up as a win as well. Sometimes the heart needs the opportunity to be sad.
- I lost weight. When your throat is too sore to swallow you certainly cannot eat.
RIGHT, well now I’m off to the hairdresser to get my greys covered as after this I’m not allowed to have my hair coloured for the at least 3 months with our whole toxin free thing. Yikes. Then it will be home and packing. Hope everyone in blogging land is keeping happy and well and that the fertility gods are smiling on those of you who are looking for some of that.
Thanks for reading my whinefest! x