Don’t ask me questions, don’t offer me advice

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As we make our way through this third cycle of IVF I have found myself becoming very private about how I am and our progress. For some people this is the norm from the beginning but for me this is a shift. I have always been pretty open with my friends and family about our journey, mainly because I never expected it would take us that long once we got on the IVF train. And hell, sometimes I’m just an oversharer. 😉

Even though I haven’t told most friends this time they have kind of deduced where it is all at because I am bloated, have stopped vigorous exercise and just had day surgery. It’s not rocket science to figure it all out once you have been exposed to the process before. So many know even though I didn’t want them to know. *sigh* I wish I wasn’t so shit at lying.

Anyway, everyone keeps asking me how I am and it is driving me freaking crazy. I know they mean well, I really do, but every time someone asks me how I am or where things are at then I feel like I have to relive where we are at every. single. time. And if we have had bad news then I need to relive the bad news every. single. time.  It is tiring and already all consuming, I just don’t need it everywhere.

You know what I don’t get? I don’t get why people do ask. It is a really private personal time. Isn’t the polite thing to wait until the person going through it offers information as an indication they are willing to talk about it that day? Just a thought.

And the “never had an issue conceiving” advice givers, well I could just give them a nice big right hook too. You know the ones:

  • “Just relax”
  • “Take a holiday, my sister was taking ages to fall pregnant and then they took a holiday and BAM”
  • “Have a few wines, I was tanked when I conceived my kid”
  • “Are you sure you know when you are ovulating?”

Pffffftt. I know they all mean well but they just need to take a chill pill and back off.

Not you guys though, I love you guys and you can give me advice all day long because I know many of us are on this journey together. But the others, man oh man.

ANYWAY enough of my whining. Things are going well so far for the cycle. I’m not really going into details with anyone right now, I just need to stay focused and not sweat the small stuff. I am working on just keeping my eye on the prize.

I had my first fertility coaching session yesterday and it was really great. This is the business I am using if anyone is interested in looking into this sort of thing. She is based in Perth (the other side of the country to me) but we just did a Skype consult and it was fine. We are going to do a number of sessions together as I move through this stage and hopefully on to transfer and I am really looking forward to them. Just having an outsider that I can talk to about this process and who can coach me to stay on track with my centred and healthy living is just what I need I think.

One of the things we are going to spend some time on is letting go of some of the emotion surrounding my first birth. It was FULL ON and actually didn’t really bother me initially but I have found that the more time passes the more emotional I am becoming about the fact that I was asleep when my child was born. Not like having a snooze (oh how I wish I was that zen!) but I was under a general anesthetic.  My issue isn’t that I wasn’t awake for ME but that I wasn’t present for Monkey. He came out into the big wide world and the only person who he really knew was absent. It must have been the most frightening  experience for him. I cannot imagine it. And that thought just moves me to tears.

So this is the thing right, I feel like I have two choices for my next birth – if I need a ceasar I will be asleep (epidurals don’t work on me as it turns out from a spinal injury I had when I was young – found this all out at the first birth) OR I can attempt it naturally but know there is no option to turn the pain off even if I want to and that kind of freaks me out a little. So yeah, plenty of work to do there. That Fertility Coach will earn every penny haha.

For now I am just sitting here writing this waiting for the lab to call and give me my day 3 lab results. Here’s hoping my little embies are just gunning along.

Catch you next time. xx

56 thoughts on “Don’t ask me questions, don’t offer me advice”

  1. So happy to hear what’s going on with you! I worry about you…in a good way, you know? 🙂 I nearly yelled at my computer reading the part about how people who have no idea what we’re going through give us advice and stuff. Friday was rough for me, in so many ways, and I vented big time on Facebook. About a dozen people responded at length about how I should just be thankful for the blessings I have in my life already. (i.e. a good job, a house, a good husband) I just wish, wish, WISH people could friggin understand that when a woman’s body is craving a baby, that it can’t make on its own, that telling us to be thankful for what we have is like a smack in the face and it diminishes our feelings and dreams. I nearly cancelled my Facebook after that…I was so mad. I’m thankful every day for all of you here who DO understand! Thanks for sharing and updating us…crossing my fingers and wishing the best for you! ❤

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    • Amy you are so lovely to spare me a thought and care. I love that about you. Thank you xx Ah yes, the be thankful for your blessing crew. Well we should all be thankful for our blessings and I would suggest that most people TTC are more thankful than ever for those blessings but it doesn’t stop the heartache and pain for not being able to achieve the blessing you so want. People mean well, they just don’t execute all that great! lol Hope you feel a bit better today. xx

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      • This is true. And I know that they do mean well, it just hurts when so many say things like that. I’m extremely grateful for the things I have, and I know that I could be so much worse off in life…but it’s not the same. And of course I think about you! I think about all of you, probably more than is healthy lol!! I consider you all my friends, and I truly care about all of you…you’re like my family here 🙂

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  3. Ugh- I so know this. I hate the ‘how are you feeling’ or even worse ‘holding up’. As if that is all I can manage. Then I remember they have no idea how to act or what to do and are probably just trying to show they care. Although some I just know are nosy and fascinated 🙂 Anyways– good luck!

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    • hehe yes there are def the nosy ones sniffing around. They are the ones who ask you every fucking 5 secs. I have one of those who I recently had to tell not to ask me anymore. I felt bad saying it but I just had to make it stop. I do agree with what you say though too about how people don’t know how to act etc so they are only trying their best. It also reminds me of someone else who said “Most people never ever intend to be hurtful with their words” and I do try to remember that as I think it is so true. Still annoying though lol

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  4. Em!!! I felt the same when I went for my last trip back home. I felt myself getting really snappy and saying things like ‘I don’t really want to talk about it; there’s other things going on in my life!’. I think sometimes (depending on the person) they are genuinely wanting to make sure you are ok, but then some of them are just nosey and they’re the ones you have to be careful of! Wow, I didn’t know that you were under general for your son. That must have been a crazy time, and i’m so glad that you are seeing a fertility coach! You sound like you are in a really good place at the moment.

    I hope that your Day 3 results are everything you hoped for. They are going to be PGD tested aren’t they? Thinking of you in this time and hoping for a great outcome! xx

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    • Yes we will def do the PGD this time. Day 3 results started off sounding ok but ended sounding not that fantastic at all. *sigh* I am struggling with that right now I must say. We seem to have too much fragmentation. I’m just sitting here and hoping for a miracle.

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      • Far out, really?! I have no idea why such crappy things happen to such good people. We all know how strange this roller coaster can be and how quick embryos can turn around so lets just see how it goes only another 2 days of waiting! (only – gah!). Sorry that you have had some crappy news this morning. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you guys. Keep going embies you can do it! (PS – miracles happen everyday.xxx)

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  5. I’ve been thinking about you. I almost wrote you an email to see how it was all going, but then decided to let you have your space. You seem good right now, which makes me happy.

    I told so many people about our first ivf, which means everyone asked if I was pregnant, which meant I had to then tell everyone about the miscarriage, too. I don’t think I’m going to tell anyone IRL about it this time. They might read about it on here, but I’m not putting out an all points bulletin this time haha.

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  6. I never really know what to say here, either. But I always do hope that things go well for you and that you feel a good way inside. I’d never heard of a infertility coach. That will be good for me to tuck away in case anyone I know ever needs support.

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  7. Ughhhh I’m so sick of it too!!! That and people assuming that I want to know about their attempts to get pregnant again, just because I’ve also been trying (for SO LONG that they should assume otherwise), and then announcing they’re pregnant as soon as they get their BFP (in no time). I DON’T want to know how easy it was for you and for you to pity me!!! Rant over. Thank you for reading! Thanks for your post Em. I’ve decided to limit my posting/sharing during this cycle too. That being said, I’m anxiously awaiting your share! 🙂 good luck with the fertilization & adventure to day 5 & BFP! Xx

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  9. I hope you get some good results for those little cell clusters! Thanks for the link for the fertility coach. Good to hear you found it useful. I’d never heard of that but it looks like it could be good.

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  10. I think guarding your privacy is necessary – after a while we just had to withdraw because we couldn’t handle the reactions to yet another miscarriage. And I felt like I had to make people feel better about what WE were going through, which is insane. The fertility coaching sounds amazing – I really, really think I would find that of value. I did have post-birth counselling after DS1, which helped me process the birth and was desperately needed. I had never thought about what it must have been like for you to have to have a general because of your spine injury – I felt like crying when I read about how bad you felt about being asleep when Monkey came into the world, because it is exactly the reaction I would have had and I totally understand that guilt and sadness that somehow you feel you failed him right at the beginning. I hope you and the counsellor can work through that issue and you can find some peace with yourself. I think opening up to those feelings and recognising them will be such a positive thing. Kind of like integrating them into who you are and accepting that you did the absolute best you could do at the time for BOTH of you. I am hoping and praying for you this cycle and willing those eggs of yours to be good ones xxxxx

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    • Thanks so much lovely. And yes, I totally get that feeling that you have to make everyone feel better. For those I have told I have said I am not talking numbers this time (except to my one friend who has had IVF and gets it). I can’t stand the *gasp* “Oh that is quite a drop in numbers” (that my mum did last time! FARK! She should know better). Anyway I can’t quite believe it but I am going to do some hippy birth healing ceremony. I am not sure what I think of it but I am at the point where most things aren’t out of the question now. I want that baby and I want to be as ready for it as I can and if that means some chanting and crying then I will totally do that.

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      • Hippy birth healing ceremony!! Haha – it sounds funny when you say that, but actually (gonna get my woo woo hat on now) I think there is a lot of power in setting aside time to process these things. It sounds c.r.a.z.y and I’d never tell anyone (except the entire internet, ha), but there have been a few occasions in my life when I’ve had a private ‘ceremony’ and set fire to a piece of paper with something on it that I wanted to exorcise/forgive. And, boy – some of those papers have burnt like hellfire. And afterwards, there really IS a sense of relief. I think it allows our brains to accept the change. And I have been sleeping with the three of hearts (cups) under my mattress for almost 7 months now, because it’s the card of fertility and new beginnings, and I went through a big tarot-phase as a teenager. I say do it.

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  11. *I mean withdraw in real life. I’m not blogging any more about it not because of anyone’s reactions (which have saved me from depression and madness many times), but because I’m tired of my own story and just need a fresh start.

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      • Thank you. Nothing to freak me out so far, but I was full of anxiety and stress yesterday. Better today. Just doing my best to keep my head down and not think about any alternative other than a good outcome.

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        • I have been sitting down to do a 10min hypnosis when my anxiety sky rockets and have been amazed at what 10mins of deep breathing has been able to do for my psyche. Just passing it on in case it is helpful. xx

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  15. I have no clue about IVF and I can only imagine how crappy it must be for people to be giving you unsolicited advice. Really? Have a few drinks? BAM? That’s the advice you give your friend who thinks they might want to have a baby, not someone frustrated with conception.
    One thing I do know is miscarriage and high-risk pregnancy. Oh, and Ceasars. I do have some advice about all that.
    Wait it out. You’ll do what you need to do when you need to do it, but you don’t need to add another stress to the stress of conception.
    I hope it takes this time. I know you must be frustrated to the tippy top, but it’s exciting to me. You’ll make it– there’s going to be a baby, I just know it. Much love.

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