First of all, before I completely get my RANT on, I just want to say a big thank you to you all for all the love on my last post. I truly did start to feel better after posting and reading all your comments. While I don’t feel fabulous I feel the surface is now well within reach and for this I am forever grateful. Pretty soon I will have my whole head above water again I’m sure, if my own body doesn’t make me completely crazy that is.
So this is what is happening.I am now on Day 32 of my cycle. I am normally a 28-30 day cycle so this is kinda long for me. Technically though this is only day 14 after ovulation so maybe my body is just getting back to normal second phase of cycle or something. I don’t know.
As you all I know I did a pregnancy test on Day 28 and it was a big fat negative. BUT that was only 10 days post ovulation so some might say that was a bit early. ANYWAY on Friday afternoon *TMI warning* I went to the loo and wiped and there was a smear of blood so I’m thinking “Yay, AF is on the way”. I whack a liner in just in case and head up to the clinic to get my meds for our next IVF cycle. If it was all starting then Monday would end up being my Day 3 which is the needle start day and I didn’t want to be without the drugs.
Now when I went up there they gave me the choice of just taking one needle with 3 doses or taking the whole lot. Basically if I take any meds before my cycle actually properly begins then we are out of pocket for whatever we take if we then decide not to proceed (for example, if I’m pregnant) whereas public health will fund part of it otherwise. So I said I’d just take it all given I was getting AF anyway.
So I sign a form for $1800 worth of meds and trot on home, check the liner and there is nothing but one smear of blood on it. Weird. Figure it will all start overnight. It doesn’t. Hmmmm. What’s going on? Am I getting my period or not?
Then the brain starts, what if that was implantation bleeding? And I start googling implantation at 12dpo. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I did not want to be here. *sigh*
There was no more bleeding the rest of the day yesterday (Saturday) and it is now Sunday morning and still nothing. The annoying part is that I just haven’t even been feeling anything so it’s not like I’m sitting here going “doesn’t matter, AF will be here any second, I have the cramps blah blah”. This is such a head fuck and I am really mad about it. I don’t deserve it. Yes I am on the poor me wagon right now.
So I did another test this morning and it came back negative so it does seem like my body is just fucking with me, just for shits and giggles. Maybe it is the stress of everything that is going on in my head. My anxiety was THROUGH THE ROOF yesterday. So much shallow breathing.
Anyway, so we just keep waiting I guess. Wait. Wait .Wait. Wait. Wait. All I want to do is smash it out on a big run but feel like i shouldn’t do that either because what if there really is a late implanting baby in there?
I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know. I need to find me some zen. Might go off and try the hypnosis. And funnily enough I am now feeling like my period may start so maybe it is all happening after all.
Have a great weekend.