This is me right now. Dammit you guys,I am struggling. The world feels so foggy and I cannot be bothered doing anything. It’s depression, I know this. This disease is no stranger to me but I don’t normally get it too badly these days and kicking into my health program would normally be enough to transform me.
But it hasn’t worked this time. I feel like I am going through the motions and waiting to feel good. Where is it? The healthy feeling? The happy feeling? The ‘I’m doing all the right things” feeling?
Monkey is actually home sick with me (picked him up with an upset tummy on Wed afternoon) so the upside is that I can do a lot of sitting around and not feel bad about it. I fell off the perfect eating wagon yesterday and because of the vomiting child couldn’t really leave the house to exercise so fell off that wagon too (I totally could have done something for 30 mins using my loungeroom and the interweb so that is a lame excuse). I am seriously lacking mojo.
I think this is all a bit of a delayed reaction to the “your embryos suck” news. It has been lurking ever since and now the full cloud is here. I think the news last Friday that Eric’s DNA fragmentation test on his sperm came back as “excellent” might have tipped me over the edge psychologically speaking. All I’m hearing is “It’s your eggs, it’s your eggs, it’s your eggs”.
Having experienced depression before I know the only thing is to keep on going and with time it will pass. I know this. And I know the more exercise I do and the more good food I eat then the sooner it will pass. So I’m working on it but the process is slow.
I am now thinking maybe we will cycle again next month. I am still waiting for AF but did a preggo test on Day 28 and it was a snowy white negative so not expecting a miracle this month. Just waiting. I’m not sure I can wait another whole month to cycle and then not transfer until June. That idea is killing me. Hence going back to the idea of cycling this month. Anyway see when AF shows her ugly face and figure it out then.
I have to tell you, when I saw that negative preggo test the other day I just had this real feeling of tiredness about the whole thing. I am so sick of seeing negative pregnancy tests. I am so sick of bad news. I am so sick of abnormal embryos and I am so sick of taking NINE different fucking lotions and potions every goddam day. I am sick of watching every morsel I am putting in my mouth which probably doesn’t make a difference anyway.
But I don’t know what else to do. What I really want is one person I see on a weekly basis who says “Do this and report back, then do this, then do this” but I can’t seem to find that person either.
Oh and one more thing, I hate that if I’m eating for my blood type then I should eat heaps of meat (but not pork) but if I’m eating to alkalise my body then the only protein is chicken, fish and eggs. Then there’s the raw food revolution to which traditional Chinese medicine says nooooooo, warming foods only for fertility. I mean FFS. Which one am I supposed to choose?
It is all too much and I am putting my hand up and saying right now: I am overwhelmed.
Anyway sorry this post is such a freaking bummer. I wish all of you happier times than are surrounding me right now.