Waiting to feel good

depression

This is me right now. Dammit you guys,I am struggling. The world feels so foggy and I cannot be bothered doing anything. It’s depression, I know this. This disease is no stranger to me but I don’t normally get it too badly these days and kicking into my health program would normally be enough to transform me.

But it hasn’t worked this time. I feel like I am going through the motions and waiting to feel good. Where is it? The healthy feeling? The happy feeling? The ‘I’m doing all the right things” feeling? 

Monkey is actually home sick with me (picked him up with an upset tummy on Wed afternoon) so the upside is that I can do a lot of sitting around and not feel bad about it. I fell off the perfect eating wagon yesterday and because of the vomiting child couldn’t really leave the house to exercise so fell off that wagon too (I totally could have done something for 30 mins using my loungeroom and the interweb so that is a lame excuse). I am seriously lacking mojo.

I think this is all a bit of a delayed reaction to the “your embryos suck” news. It has been lurking ever since and now the full cloud is here. I think the news last Friday that Eric’s DNA fragmentation test on his sperm came back as “excellent” might have tipped me over the edge psychologically speaking. All I’m hearing is “It’s your eggs, it’s your eggs, it’s your eggs”.

Having experienced depression before I know the only thing is to keep on going and with time it will pass. I know this. And I know the more exercise I do and the more good food I eat then the sooner it will pass. So I’m working on it but the process is slow.

I am now thinking maybe we will cycle again next month. I am still waiting for AF but did a preggo test on Day 28 and it was a snowy white negative so not expecting a miracle this month. Just waiting. I’m not sure I can wait another whole month to cycle and then not transfer until June. That idea is killing me. Hence going back to the idea of cycling this month. Anyway see when AF shows her ugly face and figure it out then.

*sigh*

I have to tell you, when I saw that negative preggo test the other day I just had this real feeling of tiredness about the whole thing. I am so sick of seeing negative pregnancy tests. I am so sick of bad news. I am so sick of abnormal embryos and I am so sick of taking NINE different fucking lotions and potions every goddam day. I am sick of watching every morsel I am putting in my mouth which probably doesn’t make a difference anyway.

But I don’t know what else to do. What I really want is one person I see on a weekly basis who says “Do this and report back, then do this, then do this” but I can’t seem to find that person either.

Oh and one more thing, I hate that if I’m eating for my blood type then I should eat heaps of meat (but not pork) but if I’m eating to alkalise my body then the only protein is chicken, fish and eggs. Then there’s the raw food revolution to which traditional Chinese medicine says nooooooo, warming foods only for fertility. I mean FFS. Which one am I supposed to choose?

It is all too much and I am putting my hand up and saying right now: I am overwhelmed.

Anyway sorry this post is such a freaking bummer. I wish all of you happier times than are surrounding me right now.

~Ems~

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43 thoughts on “Waiting to feel good

  1. Allow yourself to grieve. I think that today we are all expected to pick up and move on like nothing happened, and I disagree. Allow yourself time to grieve and process it and just be… but don’t let yourself stay there. Grieve and then take a breath and move forward. And remember, you don’t have to run the marathon right out of the stall, one foot in front of the other, that’s all you have to do is take one step. All you have to realize is that at this moment, things are okay. You only have this moment in time, and at this moment, you are okay. 🙂

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  2. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately honestly, and hoping that you’re ok. I know you took the news hard, and I’m sorry it’s thrown you into this state. I’ve been there before, I know how much it sucks. At least you can recognize it, and know that really as long as you keep plugging along, eventually you will work yourself out of it. If the thought of waiting until June makes you even more unhappy, then maybe you should just dive right back in? Maybe talking to Erik can help you with that decision? Either way, I hope you start feeling better soon. We’re all here for you ❤

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  3. Here’s the thing about all those diets, I think you should cut yourself some slack on them. They are hard. I never could commit to anything other than balanced, healthy eating. I think if you can do that you’re doing really, really good. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. Im having a bit of a rough patch too but obviously for different reasons. I’m convinced it’s this awful winter. I need some more sunshine and warmth in my life.

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  4. I’m so incredibly sorry, hun. I have also been swallowed by the cloud of depression in the past. It’s such an awful feeling, especially when you add infertility to the mix. They’re such complex feelings mixed in with bullshit messages we receive from society, specialists and even well meaning people. I pray that you are able to find peace soon and that time speeds up so you can cycle again. xx

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    • Thank you so much lovely and I’m sorry you have ever had to feel this way too. It is awful. You are so right about the bullshit messages we receive from all and sundry that cloud our whole experience. It sucks but you are awesome xx

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  5. I know exactly what you mean about the food drama- I’m having a really hard time figuring out what to eat lately too. I don’t have the answers, but I agree that doing your best to stay healthy and follow what you can without it stressing you out more is probably best (unless you have medical reasons to avoid certain things). I hope you are feeling better soon.

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    • Oh. My. God. THE FOOD. I think all of you on the “just eat healthy” team have a point and are to be applauded. I am going to stick to this line of thinking too I think. Smart. You guys are SMART.

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  6. Oh honey. It sucks. It really truly f*cking sucks. It’s not fair, and it hurts, and it’s costly, and it’s damaging, and it breaks your heart, and you go insane and you physically ache from tiredness from the whole damn thing. It’s one of the worst situations ever to have to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you know how to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, so I needn’t give you any advice on that. Just, if anything, give yourself some time. There is no right amount of time required to ‘get through’ these feelings. If they are still there tomorrow, that’s okay. One day they won’t be. You got this. You can do this.

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  7. I could have written this post word for word. I’m really sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I agree with Kate that you should give yourself time to grieve. I need to follow this advice myself as well. What you went through, and are still going through, is hard and sad — so of course you are going to grieve and feel like shit. I think you are right that time will make it better, but until then, try to be kind to yourself. I also like what the Barren Librarian said about cutting yourself some slack with the diets and stuff. I agree, all those different diets are MADDENING! It makes me crazy if I think about them too much. I was thinking after your last email that maybe you and I can motivate each other listen to that Peaceful Mind meditation for two weeks straight and see how we feel after that. It can’t hurt and maybe we’ll both feel more peaceful, which would be awesome. And the only reason i’m even willing to consider doing this is because I can do it while I sleep, ha! All I want to do is sleep. So yeah, I’m with you on the depression…

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  8. I am with you on every bit of what you’re feeling. The tiredness, the overwhelm, the not knowing what the best thing is to do, the desire to find the answer, the perfect regime, supplement and diet that will somehow fix everything. It’s me all over. I have more faith in my own ideas than anything a doctor can suggest or prescribe, and yet… I also have days where I just feel so lost and clueless and yes, depressed. Worn out.
    I have to say, the beginning days of eating really well are so hard – and I often feel really low for the first 5 or 6 days. And there probably is a bit of a delayed reaction from the egg news and compounding it is the sperm frag test, which has only served to make you feel even more responsible.
    The light IS at the end of the tunnel. As hard as it all seems, if you hang in there you will feel better as the days pass. I had a really bad week last week. I stopped exercising, stopped smoothies and just picked at stuff half-heartedly that was in the fridge. We ended up with two takeaways at the weekend. This week I’ve just got back up again and carried on as if that didn’t happen. I don’t think anyone can be perfect all the time, and if we’re putting in a good effort, then in the long run that’s going to pay off.
    I wish I could pop round and have a good old chat and a cup of (herbal) tea. Sometimes just getting the words out helps – although that’s probably why we both blog about it. I know I always feel better when I’ve written a great emotional blog post about how crap I’m feeling. It’s therapeutic 🙂
    Big big hugs to you from across the globe. Hang in there girl – you are a strong and beautiful woman and you will get through this xxxx

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    • Oh Rose you know with all that you have been through I feel bad even complaining. You are working so hard to get your 3rd little babykins. I love your story about having a shit week last week (bear with me) as it shows how it doesn’t have to be the end of the good, it can just be a blip on the healthy path. So I am going to take a leaf out of your book and get back on my bike again this week and try to get it all happening.

      Oh man and how I have wished a number of times over the years (Yes I think it’s been years now! Say what?) we could just pop over to each other’s place for a cuppa. Wouldn’t that be so lovely. The blogging definitely helps me feel better and I did feel a slight lift after that post so I’m glad I wrote it. Hugs back at you You are an amazing woman yourself xx

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  9. I wish I could magically make my legs grow and stretch and grown and stretch, Inspector Gadget style, so I could give you a hug. Speaking of which, must ensure I have a business meeting in Vancouver when you’re over for your bro’s wedding. Cannot miss that opportunity for a real hug.
    xoxo

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  10. It might feel like a dark hole you can’t climb out of, but there is light ahead. The fact that you shared here with us means that you don’t want to feel this way, you’re looking for comfort, and honey, you’ve got all the hugs, love and support we can muster. We can relate, so many of us are frustrated by our infertility and bad news after bad news, feeling like a failure of a woman. Right there with you, you are not alone.

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    • Thank you so much for your beautiful message. It gave me a lot of comfort. It is so sad that there have to be so many other beautiful women on this tough journey with me. It’s insane. Hope you are going well. x

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  11. If you think that brain of yours is not physiologically operating and forcing the rest of you body in “stress” situation mode, think again. What you are doing is stressful, even when you’re zen itself. What a roller coaster you’ve been going through for months or more. You know what to do. You’ve pulled through before. Listen to your body, keep the food real, and I hope you’re already feeling better by now! Please?!

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  12. I know I am so late to this post but I hope you are feeling better. There is so much conflicting info out there on diets and I am sure fertility just adds that much more confusion to the mix. My blood type also says I should eat lots of meat…anyway, you are dealing with a lot. I think it is probably good to just get off the wagon and not worry about your every little move sometimes. xoxo

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