IVF #2 – Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be.

As I was pulling out of the supermarket carpark today my phone rang.

Hi Emily, it is Dr Dr, can you talk?

Yes Dr D. I am just pulling out of the carpark. Let me pull over.

Dr D is never the one to call. When everything is going smoothly I hear from the nurses or I don’t hear at all. Appointments go along as planned. We have an appointment for Friday with Dr D. It is for a scan for our frozen embryo transfer.

Emily, the results have come back from genetic testing and I’m afraid that the news isn’t good. All 3 embryos show significant abnormalities. This is very unexpected.

No shit, Sherlock.

I knew this was a possibility of course but I didn’t expect it at all. I honestly felt like we might get our baby this time. That this time, even if only one was good that it would be the one. I was not prepared for this outcome at all.

They don’t know why. It just happens. But it does at least explain my difficulty falling pregnant and my difficulty maintaining the pregnancies when I do fall.

Some may ask if I am sorry that we went ahead with the genetic testing. I mean, we had what looked like 3 good quality embryos at blast stage. Let me tell you this, I am relieved. That’s 3 months worth of fruitless transfers that we no longer have to experience. Three months of maybe this is the month, this feels right, hope, expectation, endless acupuncture appointments and pills and potions in an effort to try to implant embryos that could not have possible become healthy babies. So I am grateful we had the testing. And if you are constantly getting embryos and not having them implant then I urge you to go down this path as well. It at least provides some answers.

What will we do from here? Well we are keeping our appointment on Friday however instead of being for a scan it will be to discuss what to do moving forward. We maybe attempt one more round, including the genetic testing again, but if we get a zero transfer rate yet again then I will pull the pin.

It is interesting as when we fell pregnant with our son it was all so quick and speedy and felt something like divine intervention. It was a weird situation and we didn’t even live in the same city and yet it happened. Now it is starting to feel like maybe, this quest for no 2, isn’t the path we should be on.

If we try again it will be with months of clean living and hippy treatments under our belt and truly our last shot.

We are both sad. And shocked. And reeling quite a bit. And a little part of me feels it is all insurmountable.

But….que sera. It is what it is. There is nothing that can be done about it now.

~Ems~

PS There are quite a few of journeys that I have been following lately that have slipped by the wayside. I am behind on my reading. I am thinking of you all. Will catch up when I can. x

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39 thoughts on “IVF #2 – Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be.

  1. Oh my god Em. Significant abnormalities?? Do you think they’ll be able to give you any guidance on why or what? Jeez – I am so sorry. That is just devastating news. You are so right about having the testing done though – you could have gone for months trying IVF without knowing it was never going to work. You’ve saved yourself a ton of heartache. Although, you’ve replaced it with a shocking piece of bad news. Oh gosh, I am so sorry. I really don’t know what else to say, or why on earth this is the case. You’ve been taking care of yourself well, running, looking after your body… it f*cks me off that living a pretty healthy life can still result in this kind of crap. I know it’s all down to genetics that some people can smoke and drink and slob out and be obese and still have a ton of kids, but it doesn’t feel very fair does it. I’m so upset and angry for you. I hope you are okay, and that Eric is okay too. And most of all I hope they can give you something on Friday other than having no idea about why. *******hugs****** xxxx

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    • Thank you so much lovely. Yeah it really doesn’t feel fair at the moment. STILL I can’t shake the feeling that we will be getting our baby this year so I’m just going to hold onto that. You never know what is around the corner. We have some questions written down for our Friday appt so hopefully there will be some things we can do for a better outcome next time. Thanks for the wonderful support xx

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  2. Oh Em, I am so friggen sorry to hear (read) this… Very VERY true about the fact that you may have spent months transferring and everything. It is amazing to me that abnormal babies can look so perfect on Day 5.

    You have a fabulous attitude regarding the matter and I want you to know that I really look up to you. I am seriously considering doing one last cycle with PGD to see what is going on with our embryos now after reading this post, because 5 transfers and nada unless there is something wrong with my uterus then it has to be these embryos!

    Did they explain what it was that were affecting these embryos and whether it was a genetic issue that could be solved with something (i don’t know 😦 )

    I wish there was something I could say that could make you feel better. Just know that I am thinking of you three and really hoping that good news comes your way soon. x

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    • I will write back to your questions soon lovely. Just taking some time out. But I did think of you when I wrote that recommendation of genetic testing so want to come back to give you more info in case it helps xx

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      • Thank you for thinking of me 🙂 Take all the time you need lovely we are in no rush to get things started here! Won’t be cycling again for at least another 6 months or so (unless we end up using that frozen embryo). Hope you are OK xx

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    • Hey hon….see what your specialist says but if I was you I’d be tempted to give the testing a try. I do feel so relieved as it answers what was previously unexplained events. It removes the guesswork. While it is a bit like a slug in the heart right now it is way better than 3 months of tortuous transfers that couldn’t possibly success. Thanks for your kind words. They are lovely and totally did make me feel better. x

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  3. I’m so sorry! I’m glad that you went down this road; this kind of makes me wish we’d done this testing too. I really hope this happens for you soon, whatever it takes. Bless your heart! Thinking of you and hoping for the best with the next steps.

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    • Don’t worry about the testing for your little embies. I would only consider it if you don’t get a baby out of what is a large sample and to be honest, I don’t think that will happen. Statistically we are a bit of an outlier. If you fall within the normal range than 45% of your embryos would be no good, which leaves you still with a healthy number. It will be OK for you I’m sure. Thanks for your lovely comment.

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  4. Ugh I’m so sooo very sorry to hear. I wish I knew the words to make things less painful for you. You’re a strong woman and it’s admired by your friends on here and I’m sure outside your screen too. Your in my thoughts while you take some time.

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  5. .I can’t tell you how much I have been hoping to read good news on your blog. I feel like we have gone through things at similar times. I really hope that the future brings better news.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this. You have such a strong attitude right now. You do what you gotta do and get back to us all when you can. I know you have a lot of thinking and talking to do. BTW, we were the same in conceiving our son. Happened fast. But now… seems impossible. And he’s only two years old. Could I really have aged THAT FAST?

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    • I know, right? I’m like, how did my eggs frazzle up so quickly? Freaking crazy. I’m thinking of you. Hope all is going well in your world and you are getting some nice blasts for transfer.

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  7. I’m so sorry things happened this way for you!! Are they able to tell you what kind of abnormalities, or if there is anything that you can do to prevent them or help things along or anything? I hope you can get some answers at your appointment on Friday, and also some peace of mind. Thinking of you *hugs*

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  8. Oh Em. I’m so sorry. I sent you an email, but I wanted to write on here as well. I’m glad you didn’t have to go through three transfers, but I am still saddened by this news. What awful fuckery. Know that I am here for you if you ever need a virtual shoulder to cry on. I wish I could give you a hug in real life, too. Why is the Universe such an asshole sometimes?

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    • Fuckery is such a fabulous word. Love it. And thank you so much for the email lovely. I did see that. And oh my god, why IS the universe such an arsehole sometimes? As my friend used to say…did I kill a Chinaman in a past life? (why I Chinaman I don’t know – think it is supposed to associate with karma lol).

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      • Oh man – I’ve asked myself if I was some kind of evil tyrant in a past life many times. It’s enough to make me believe that I’m just paying the price now for being a little sh*t somewhere in the distant past, and then I feel guilty for all the crimes I imagine I must have committed as someone else, even though I don’t know what they were. It’s just crazy.

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  9. Love to you sweet friend. Sounds like you are doing everything right and making good choices. It will come back to you in one way or another. I’m sorry his phone call wasn’t good news. I hope you get some hope on Friday. Xoxo

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  10. You might already be aware of this, but this is a paper from a 2012 study that explains that PGD can sometimes (in older women) come back with abnormalities, even though the cells in the inner mass (which is the part that develops into the baby) are actually normal. It seems that in younger women PGD is a good predictor, but as we age our eggs are prone to mosaicism, which means that SOME cells have abnormal chromosomes and others don’t. When they re-biopsed all the abnormal eggs in this study, they found that some of them still had the potential to produce a healthy baby. This is right on the cutting edge as I don’t think clinics offer re-biopsies (that I know of), so we get one shot, but what I wanted you to know was that it IS possible that your eggs are okay and it’s just some of the cells (biopsy seems to come from placental cells,) that have chromosome abnormalities – they are just much higher in older women. I know this kind of throws a spanner in the works, as PGD is supposed to be a clear indicator, but human biology is so, so complex and I thought it might give you some hope in that even though all three came back abnormal this time around, it doesn’t mean you can’t produce an egg that will work. I wasn’t sure whether or not to post this, because I don’t want you to question what’s done, but I did want you to know that PGD might not be the ultimate indicator of what’s going on. If you want me to mind my own business, just say. I know this is a highly emotional subject, but I also know you’re keen on research and information, so wanted to point it out. I hope you’re doing ok. xxxxxx http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23136294
    PS I just stumbled upon this this morning (while reading about IVF, my current obsession), so I think it’s too late for your appt. Sorry – wish I had seen it earlier because you could have asked about it!!

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    • Hey lovely….thanks for sending me this. I will check it out but I’m pretty sure PGD refers to biopsies taken Day 3 whereas GBH (I think that’s what I had) refer to biopsies done at Day 5. Day 5 biopsies are more accurate as Day 3 ones can show what looks like an abnormality but is actually just cell development if that makes sense. I think what you are saying here? So thank you for passing along but I am pretty sure that what we are having is a stage past this one. I will check out to be sure. THANK YOU xx

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    • hmmmm just looked at that paper and they are talking blast stage. I’ll have to investigate further. I know that legally, they can’t transfer an embryo one it comes up as abnormal during the genetic testing so it is too late for those babies. Will have to mention this to Eric and see what he thinks. Hmmm

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