IVF #1 – CD8 – I’m so freaking over needles

I am on a motherf***ing oestrogen overload. I swear to god, it is killing me. We went away camping this weekend and Eric and I fought  THE WHOLE TIME. It wasn’t the best weekend when it should have been awesome given the weather and location. We usually holiday really well together too.

If you’ve read my back story you will know we have quite a unique relationship which isn’t really a relationship but kinda is. We don’t live together blah blah but are embarking on a family creation journey together. One of the reasons we aren’t together is that Eric is pretty freaking selfish. Not in a material way but in a time and emotional sense which is about a million times worse.

If I could sum his personality up I would say he is a dictator and not a team player. He wants me to be eternally flexible to his changing whims. I am happy to be flexible but being flexible is not about being instructed to do something but giving someone the information so they can be flexible on their own. He instructs. Drives me freaking crazy.

AND he is constantly going on about how I need to look after myself more. What he means is that he wants me toned, slim and sexy. For those of you that don’t know me and haven’t seen a picture let me paint one for you: I am well within my BMI and up until the beginning of my last IUI I was running regularly. I am what you can call slim but slightly pudgy. I weigh a few kilos more than I’d like but I’ve come to accept that while we are doing this IUI / IVF thing that hard core exercise needs to take a back seat while I do more things like walks etc. While I don’t look perfect I am by no means unhappy with my body.

He is. He fucking well is. He pulls a face at me in my swimsuit. He is constantly at me asking me what exercise I’ve done. Tells me I have a hot chick waiting inside me bursting to get out. He has no respect for the work I do from home and expects me to just move it all around to suit whatever he wants. I am just about fucking over it right now. OVER IT. I know I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry in public but this isn’t exactly public in the sense that anyone even knows who he is so I’m venting.

I have been so close to pulling the pin on this cycle I am so mad at him but I’m hanging in there as I really do want a sibling for my son and it works better if it is with the same father.

But I am struggling with it all today. And I feel close to hating him for being so shallow and mean. Which he is but I also think I’m in a bit of an oestrogen rage. ARGH.

Day 8 scan this afternoon so I can see how those follicles are progressing. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m now on 2 needles per day and plus had to go for a blood test this morning. I’m so freaking over the needles. Fingers crossed I get a good harvest of good eggs. Stims really suck (for me).

Sorry for the major vent. Thanks for reading.

PS Those of you who secretly think we might end up together might now understand what I mean when I say that is unlikely…

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28 thoughts on “IVF #1 – CD8 – I’m so freaking over needles

  1. Someone replaced his face with a big ugly dick! Wow. I can’t believe he thinks it’s appropriate to treat you that way. I hope for the sake of you, your kids & your modern family that he grows up into a real man one day.

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  2. Good grief. Really? I’m sure he has some very redeeming characteristics or else he would have been out of your life completely back in the day. But he needs some readjustment here regarding you. Unless he’s actually too narcissistic (in the pathological, diagnostic, DSM way) to improve. Well, anyway, hormones are crazy things but hopefully they’re doing their job in your uterus right now!

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    • I know, Terri. Sometimes he just blows me away. He is a weird mix as he is actually a very generous person in a lot of ways and he is a wonderful father. He is just a terrible communicator and, well, I don’t know what the problem is. We had a nice chat about active listening yesterday (which he doesn’t do very well) and if he can put that into practice I think that will help us a lot. Feeling heard is one of my big issues here. ANYWAY I’m liking it much better now we are back from holidays and I don’t have to be with him every day lol. And yes, the hormones are crazy but my uterus and ovaries seem to be progressing nicely so I am grateful for that. 🙂

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  3. A hot girl waiting inside of you? OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!! That is so rude. I’m glad you had a talk and things are better now, but UGH. I’m sorry you are having a rough time with the stims. It must make everything feel more sucky than it already is. I haven’t really been exercising right now either. Not only fertility treatments but it is also our busy season at work. I say eff it, there will be years for exercising and this baby-making stuff will (PLEASE, GOD) be short lived!

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    • That is exactly it! Everything that is sucky just seems a bit more sucky. to be fair, the sight of Eric was pissing me off a bit so I was no picnic with him either. Still, the stuff he said was inappropriate. And you are so right, we will get the time to fit the exercise in again. I know I will as being healthy is a priority for me. Other things just need to be the focus right now. Hope you are doing OK after your crappy day last week.

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  4. I read your other post first so I know you said you guys talked things out already…but he deserves a slap in the face and a foot up his ass!!! He has no right to be on you about your looks, ESPECIALLY if you guys aren’t even together!! My husband wants me in better shape, but I’m overweight, and I know he really says things because he’s concerned about my health, NOT because he wants me to be hotter!! I don’t know why some people think it’s ok to say things like that to others!?!? Hope he gets off his high horse and acts a little more civil to you! (PS~Good luck!!)

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    • I know, right. Some people simply astound me. But as my friend reminded me last night, this is the guy who went to Thailand when I was pregnant and shagged some other traveller who even kept in touch with for awhile. It’s not like I haven’t seen this sort of behaviour before. Still, he had been rather improved for quite some time so I was hopeful he had changed a little. I will give him some allowance for a bad day AND his willingness to talk it through and try to be a better communicator. But yeah, far out. The last thing I need at the moment.

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