I’m fine and I’m not fine.

Things have been a bit tough around here lately. If you follow my public blog you will know that I am currently working towards starting a new business. This has been very exciting but it has also added a good deal of stress to my life. There are so many new things to learn that my head constantly fills full, whirling, and a chaotic mess.

About one intense week into it all I stopped exercising. I just got up one day and couldn’t bring myself to go. By the weekend I was sick. Then the food went to shit. And I am left a shell of my former self.

That was two weeks ago. I have managed to push myself to run twice this week so that is better than not at all but it is still not enough exercise.

The thing that upsets me the most is that I feel like I can’t handle things. It feels like everything was perfect when I was keeping the pressure out of my life. I blogged less, I exercised more, I did some freelance work, I ate well, I was happy. Pressure free. HAPPY.

Then I added ONE THING. Just one teeny tiny thing to the mix and the whole thing crumbles down like a fucking house of cards. Is my life really that fragile? It would appear so.

So what am I meant to do? Never add any additional pressures into my life especially those that tax my mind? I NEED to use my brain. And not to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty fucking smart and so I know if I keep things low key so I can stay sane that I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering about my unfulfilled potential.

Add to all that that I can’t fall fucking pregnant to save my life and you get to NOT FINE status. NOT FINE. NOT FINE. NOT FINE.

I have always been pretty pragmatic about the pregnancy thing. I honestly felt that I would fall within the year. I felt it strongly. And yet here we are, the 10th try, almost 12 months since we started, and I am still not preggers.

We have an appointment with the fertility specialist this week which is great. I am ready for this next step. But at the same time I feel such a sadness around this. I am afraid too.

I’m afraid of the hormones they will give me that will no doubt fuck with my already sensitive system. I’m afraid it will cost us a fortune and I won’t be able to cope. I am sad and afraid.

So today I cried about it. It is the first time I’ve cried about it so I’m relieved I’ve had an emotional response finally but still, the whole thing sucks. Β Right now, I’m not coping so much.

This will pass and I will go back to my cheerful self. I know this. It is how it all works. The fertility Dr will get me onto tests and I’ll feel all proactive and like something is happening so that’s good. Aside from that I am heading onto a full on health program again as if we are going to spend a fortune on fertility solutions then I need to be the best version of myself I can be. I think I’ll set some sort of challenge for myself to stay committed.

And that’s it, folks. That’s my whine about how I’m not fine. <—– I did not type that with a straight face.

First world problems.Β ALL OF THEM. First fucking world problems. ARGH.

 

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16 thoughts on “I’m fine and I’m not fine.

  1. *hugs* I can relate to everything you’ve written here. And I’m just the same. I’m running along, everything is amazing, I’m keeping up with all my goals and commitments, and then I try one extra thing, or one hurdle falls in my way, and it all just tumbles to the ground and I end up eating crap and wallowing in my own self-pity over why it has to be so difficult for me, me, me. Been there over and over and over. Totally get it. I’ll put the kettle on for us both XXX

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    • I could have sworn I wrote back to this. Something weird was happening where I had two of the same comment from you. I tried to delete one but maybe I did the wrong one (the one with the reply!). Whoops! I can’t remember what it said now but the gist of it was YES, how I wish we could have a cuppa together!!!

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  2. I’ve been wondering about the pregnancy stuff but didn’t want to ask. I’m sorry it isn’t happening but I am hopeful you have some luck with the fertility specialists. I also have completely fallen off the wagon with good eating and exercise. Was prob a waste of time to post my June goals and now I’ll feel worse for having declared them.
    Hang in there, I’m thinking of you and sending “closer to fine” vibes πŸ™‚ (hoping you’re an Indigo Girls fan πŸ™‚

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    • Ah such a great song! Very appropriate. You know I thought about you a lot when writing that post. My problems seem insignificant with all you are going through. Thanks for the good vibes chickie. Let’s all just aim to do better in July. πŸ™‚ x

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  3. Oh sweetie. It’s going to be ok. It’s all just cycles. You have to see it that way and know in your heart that if this is the uphill bit soon you will be coasting. The downs help you appreciate the ups more than you would otherwise. I know this is all trite BUT the important thing is you have your health. THAT is all that counts. The rest is always going to be ups and downs ups and downs ups and downs. Even if the downs feel like huge mother fucker downs they will pass. Someway somehow. I promise. X

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    • Thank you for a beautiful message. I feel bad for moaning when I think about all that you have been through lately. You are of course right, you can’t have the ups without the downs. I feel much better today. I think I was also just really hormonal yesterday so it was all just shit. Now onwards and upwards! For both of us! xx

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    • haha that is so true. Sometimes life is just guiding us to a particular path so we just have to stop resisting and walk on down it and see what’s at the other end. Thank you πŸ™‚

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  4. Dude, everyone deserves a moment to whine (and wallow), as appropriate. You are awesome and smart, and stressed right now. Respect yourself enough to honour the current state of your mind/body. Give yourself the time you need before you force a return to fine. xoxo

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    • Great advice. πŸ™‚ As I was losing my shit at Saxon this morning as he just wouldn’t get dressed quickly or clean his teeth or any of a number of things as I was trying to rush out the door I stood back and went, you know what, you are only stressed about all this shit as you are putting pressure on yourself. Start getting ready earlier, or don’t cram so many things in. Things are how they are at the moment and take however long. Adjust for that. So I did adjust. He is actually a bit under the weather so I ended up keeping him home. We’ll manage. Those other things will get done. Thanks for the thoughts, Nance xxx

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  5. I’m glad you are able to say, “I’m not fine.” So many people can’t do that. I’m glad you cried, too. It sounds very difficult, but it also sounds like you are handling it as you should. Give yourself credit for that! Much love.

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  6. It is so hard as a mom of a young child to add anything extra to life! It is so hard to balance family and work. I totally relate to this and to the difficulty with pregnancy thing. Take it easy, be kind to yourself, that is really the MOST intelligent thing right now! And get that exercise. Large doses of (clean) fish oil really help with mood too.

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