Things have been a bit tough around here lately. If you follow my public blog you will know that I am currently working towards starting a new business. This has been very exciting but it has also added a good deal of stress to my life. There are so many new things to learn that my head constantly fills full, whirling, and a chaotic mess.
About one intense week into it all I stopped exercising. I just got up one day and couldn’t bring myself to go. By the weekend I was sick. Then the food went to shit. And I am left a shell of my former self.
That was two weeks ago. I have managed to push myself to run twice this week so that is better than not at all but it is still not enough exercise.
The thing that upsets me the most is that I feel like I can’t handle things. It feels like everything was perfect when I was keeping the pressure out of my life. I blogged less, I exercised more, I did some freelance work, I ate well, I was happy. Pressure free. HAPPY.
Then I added ONE THING. Just one teeny tiny thing to the mix and the whole thing crumbles down like a fucking house of cards. Is my life really that fragile? It would appear so.
So what am I meant to do? Never add any additional pressures into my life especially those that tax my mind? I NEED to use my brain. And not to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty fucking smart and so I know if I keep things low key so I can stay sane that I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering about my unfulfilled potential.
Add to all that that I can’t fall fucking pregnant to save my life and you get to NOT FINE status. NOT FINE. NOT FINE. NOT FINE.
I have always been pretty pragmatic about the pregnancy thing. I honestly felt that I would fall within the year. I felt it strongly. And yet here we are, the 10th try, almost 12 months since we started, and I am still not preggers.
We have an appointment with the fertility specialist this week which is great. I am ready for this next step. But at the same time I feel such a sadness around this. I am afraid too.
I’m afraid of the hormones they will give me that will no doubt fuck with my already sensitive system. I’m afraid it will cost us a fortune and I won’t be able to cope. I am sad and afraid.
So today I cried about it. It is the first time I’ve cried about it so I’m relieved I’ve had an emotional response finally but still, the whole thing sucks. Right now, I’m not coping so much.
This will pass and I will go back to my cheerful self. I know this. It is how it all works. The fertility Dr will get me onto tests and I’ll feel all proactive and like something is happening so that’s good. Aside from that I am heading onto a full on health program again as if we are going to spend a fortune on fertility solutions then I need to be the best version of myself I can be. I think I’ll set some sort of challenge for myself to stay committed.
And that’s it, folks. That’s my whine about how I’m not fine. <—– I did not type that with a straight face.
First world problems. ALL OF THEM. First fucking world problems. ARGH.