Every month when I get the negative result I go through this period of doubt. I start to wonder if the negative result isn’t a message. That perhaps we aren’t supposed to go down this path again. Maybe the universe is telling us it is just time to move on.
I took these feelings seriously for awhile and that is why I was glad to have the month off from trying when I went to the states late last year. It gave me time to think about what I really wanted and if this was the right path for me. As the trip approached its end I as so excited to be getting home and trying for a baby again. I was so sure that I’d made the right choice and I felt certain I’d get pregnant quite quickly, if not the next try then surely the one after.
Those tries have both passed now and I’m not pregnant however I am more accepting of this little phase of doubt I go through. It comes about due to my need to have an answer for things and my need to have control. Nothing else.
The bonus of it taking longer is that it encourages Eric and I to review our commitment to the process and also continue to work on our relationship with each other. It forces us to spend more time together too. Sometimes this is a blessing and I am surprised by how well it goes, other times (like this weekend just past) he drives me bonkers and I wish it was any other way. I think this is more to do with the fact that when I am feeling doubtful I am looking to be reminded of all the negative aspects about him to convince me that I am on the wrong path.
It is self protection at it’s best really.
Eric, to his credit, doesn’t waver one little bit. He is so committed to the course this time. And committed to me. The existence of Kiddo has been a catalyst for that. He says he feels it in his bones that it is the right thing to do and I know this is true. I remember when I was pregnant with Kiddo I felt certain that it wouldn’t be the only baby I had with Eric. But then I feel certain every month that I’m pregnant and I’m not so I’m starting to question my instincts a little.
Thankfully this period of doubt is all but over now. I’m ready to swing into action. I’m banning booze for the next 2 months in an attempt to help get pregnant (god help me – seriously). I also have an appointment with an acupuncturist and chinese herbalist (ever had those herbs? they taste like shit – YAY) who specialises in fertility. I’m throwing everything I can at this fertility thing before I go down the path of synthesised hormones. I’ve spent so long working on getting myself feeling sane the last thing I want to do it make myself insane to get pregnant. And that’s what hormones seem to do to me. Make me insane.
Cross for you fingers and toes for me peeps!!!