The pregnancy

The pregnancy was simultaneously one of the best and most stressful times of my life.

Physically it was mostly a joy. I had some issues with my back between 28 and 32 weeks but other than that I felt great most of the time and I LOVED it. I loved my baby belly.

Mentally it was a bit more challenging.

When I was 6 weeks pregnant Eric came down to stay with me and we went out for a celebratory dinner and chose our baby names. Yes, in one night we chose our baby names.

The following weekend I went to meet his mum and her husband as they were still out visiting. She was most excited about the coming baby. Eric is an only child so it was to be her first granchild and she was over the moon. We hit it off really well but things became a little strained later on. She is a very full on person and when she returned to Europe (they live there 6 months of the year) she contacted me more often than I hear from my own mum and we are close.

When I was about 4.5 months pregnant we shared our name with everyone (we knew it was a boy by then) and she went CRAZY as she HATED it. And told me so in a long vitriolic email. She insisted I get Eric to choose the name (as apparently he wasn’t in on “our” choice) and moaned about it no end. I told her off. Our relationship these days is OK but it is more distant from my end. After a number of incidences like this I just choose not to get deeply involved with her anymore. I tend not to write back to her emails or only send one liners and pics of her grandchild so she has gotten the hint and backed off.

Despite all that she is a wonderful grandmother so I just try to see the good in her and leave off the bad. Although I told off her husband the other day but that’s a story for another day.

Sounds like I just tell people off right?

Anyway things with Eric and I were sometimes good and sometimes very strained. We visited each other and shared a bed and this pregnancy so I insisted pretty early on that he shouldn’t date other people during the course of the pregnancy. He resisted heavily but begrudgingly agreed because I was like a dog with a bone.

About late April (almost 5 months pregnant) he went on a holiday to South East Asia and hooked up with some English chick there. I found out bits of it when he came home but he was pretty much lying to me about it. Maybe I’ll go into this more one day or not but the short story is that after snooping once we were living together from 36 weeks pregnant I found out the truth.

I ranted and raved about it but there wasn’t much I could do at the point.He insisted it was never supposed to be like “this”: fully committed. And he was right to a degree. I didn’t feel as betrayed as I would have had I been in love with this person but I was right royally pissed just the same.

Financially he was very generous. He paid me a stipend throughout my whole pregnancy so I could go off and get pregnancy massages or whatever other extra care I felt I needed. It turns out that he is actually rather wealthy but I had no idea of that at the time we embarked on this journey.

He also participated in pregnancy activities like attending a birthing course and we spoke every day. We were, for the most part, like a couple, which I guess is why it was so confusing.

I had chosen to go back to my hometown for the birth so I could be near my mum during the early months with the baby. He moved down with me and I was ever so hopeful this little baby would bring his guard down and we would fall in love. It wasn’t like that though and the main reason is probably because we aren’t actually well suited. I was kidding myself about that though. I just wanted the family.

He was actually a pretty difficult person to live with. As he’s had money most of his adult life he just pays everyone to do everything for him. He doesn’t cook or clean and is VERY messy so looking after him and the house with a newborn and my first one at that was super taxing on me. He never complained if I didn’t want to cook. He would happily order in. But he would never walk into the kitchen to make something healthy and homemade for us. I would have settled for toasted sandwiches most of the time. SOMETHING. Not takeout. And not me cooking.

Anyway despite lots of fighting and getting used to each other we made it. He was present for the whole labour and birth and was as supportive as he knew how. And he was delighted to meet his son when he was born on Father’s Day. He was a natural with Kiddo and bonded with him instantly. He visited us at the hospital every day and was very much a hands on father.

And that’s how we became parents out of a crazy situation. Bonded for life to someone we barely even knew.

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10 thoughts on “The pregnancy

  1. This answered a big portion of my questions…how you keep the boundaries while naturally trying to get pregnant, living together, being exclusive and in every way being a “couple” yet not be a couple. I would have thought one or the other would fall in love or get emotionally attached/dependent…or the complete opposite, that your differences would be so vast that you’d end up hating eachother. how you guys kept the agreement and are where you are now is really fascinating.

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    • Yeah it wasn’t a straight line to that point that’s for sure. We did also have a period of terrible finding and almost hate but we grew through it. Which astounds me when I think of some of the vitriol! This would probably have been a great case study for a psych or something like that lol

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  2. E, this is so completely fascinating. It must have been so hard trying to balance the reality of the situation (the two of you not being well suited for each other) with the fantasy of hoping to fall in love and make a ‘real’ family. My heart goes out to you for the stress you must’ve enduring during it all.

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    • It was a VERY stressful and sometimes very sad for me. But now I wouldn’t change a thing. I do believe everything has turned out as it should have. Interesting as sometimes I wondered if I’d made the biggest mistake ever. But no. No I did not.

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  3. I’m so right there with you on the fact that you wanted it to work and to have the ‘family’ unit, but it sounds like (in the end) you do have the family unit, you just aren’t the traditional family! I can only imagine how hard it must have been during several of those months when you were a couple but not a couple. I love that even though you aren’t together, he has stuck by and been a good father to Kiddo. And – dude, totally awesome that he has helped financially from the very start! I was wondering about that part! But, that does lead to a question… do you guys have a court order or legal agreement for child support?

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    • You are so right! We def have created our own unconventional style of family that REALLY works for us. He is an AMAZING dad to Kiddo, without a doubt. I’d love to know more about your story actually. Is it on your blog somewhere?

      No we don’t have a court order at all or any legal agreement for child support. We did start to get one worked up at one point but haven’t. He is the type of person who provides more the less pressure that is put on him and he is currently very generous with us. Situations can change of course but I feel comfortable with how things are. Aside from the great amount of child support he pays for 1 day of the day care, gives me a slush fund for incidentals AND pays for Kiddo’s private health. And if I’m ever stuck I can ask and he will pay for something without hesitation. It’s a good deal. He is quite unique in that he sees that in order for K to have a good life, mummy needs to also have a good life and he has openly said he has no intention for his child to live in squallor. So I think we are good. And also very lucky. I do work from home as I need to be independent as well and have options but we are lucky for sure.

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    • I know!!! I was angry about that for the longest time. She was REALLY out of line in the way she handled it too. It wasn’t just a “I don’t like that”. I’ll write about it one day when I’m moaning about my MIL. I’m getting better at not letting her tick me off though. I just don’t buy into it!! I can’t or she sends me absolutely bonkers.

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      • That’s the ticket. Sometimes I just sit and mull over the things that my MIL has said and it just makes me feel horrible all over and really effects my mood. Its so hard to let it go though! I am excited to read more 🙂

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